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PARTNER WITH DEPRESSION IN MAKING ME LOSE THR WILL TO LIVE HELP!!

Hi guys, I'm new here. I've been doing a lot of research and I've ended up here so here I am asking for advice as a last resort as I know a lot of you are suffering with mental illnesses.

My partner and I have been together for coming up to two years. We got together not long after my boyfriend had a motorbike accident and broke both of his legs. We went on to have a beautiful daughter who is now 8 months old. I'm and 20 and sinking slowly with being a new first time mum and having a partner who is suffering.

Anyway, my partner has been diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety and ptsd after his accident but is now sinking further and further into his demons. He was prescribed antidepressants about a year and a half ago for moderate depression. He took them for a month and decided to stop taking them. Three months ago his diagnoses had gone from moderate to severe along with being diagnosed with anxiety and ptsd. He was once again given antidepressants which he took for a month and on his second month decided to take them when he felt like it because 'he didn't feel any different' (obviously because he wasn't taking them every day)

He is short tempered, gets angry at me over the silliest things and gets aggressive I.e throwing things around, threats to smash the house up and worst of all says I am the reason for his depression.

He really has pushed me away in the past few months. I'm upset he has been given a way out of his depression with therapy and antidepressants and he doesn't want to do anything about it not just for me but for our beautiful girl who doesn't deserve to be around the loud shouting and negative moods!

He suffers from paranoia about me cheating on him and accuses me every day calling me names such as a 'dirty little w*o*e'. If I don't text him back within ten minutes or I don't answer his call because I'm putting our daughter down for a nap he starts by saying I must be up to something. This confuses me as I really hoped he didn't think I was the kind of person who would be cheating on him when I have my baby with me at all times. I'm really starting to come to my wits end.

He blames me for everything saying he wouldn't shout so much if I didn't go on and on and on but how can I not say something when as soon as he gets up in the morning he has a go at me for something as silly as not being able to find a pair of socks. Not only is he moody about it in general but he actually starts shouting at me because I've not put his clean clothes back into his drawer!

He goes to work for 16 hours a week and whenever we have a disagreement about something he starts shouting the odds because he apparently does everything.

He sleeps until midday for 5/7 days of the week gets up and sees his daughter for 3 hours before he starts work and then doesn't see her because she is in bed by the time he gets home. He misjudged everything in his mind. I ask him to get up two mornings of the week with our daughter so he can spend some time with her and to give me a little break. (Instead of getting up at 5am I get up at 8am) but to him he seems to think he is the one who gets up all week. He sleeps all day and stays awake all night saying it's insomnia but he doesn't even try to go to sleep he just sits up playing on his Xbox or PS4.

I'm only 20 and I'm sinking fast. I love him with all my heart but I am struggling being a new mum with no support from him at all. I am tired gettin up at 5 o'clock every morning to then upkeep the house, look after our child and to make sure he has his meals on the table as well as looking after him like he's a little boy throwing tantrums worrying about him taking his meds, our bills, our shopping.

I basically feel like a single mum with a lodger. I have known people with depression my whole life but have never had to face it like I have now. Everybody else I met wanted to sort their depression out but not him. It's breaking my heart that he won't even sort this for out beautiful girl she deserves more than what she is being faced with every day. I want to be with him but the real him. Not the one who calls me names threatens to ruin our home and Truly believes he does everything for our home.

He isn't one for talking so shows his emotions through anger and aggression I have told him it is starting to become emotional and verbal abuse from him and we need to get this sorted if we want to sort ourselves out but no still nothing.

We are on a low income so money is a worry every single day but I can't approach my boyfriend to tell him about my worries.

My maternity allowance ended this week so our income in more than £500 less than what it was last month. I was in hysterics worrying about how we will pay our rent looking for him to tell me it will be okay and we will sort it but instead we got into a fight because I was crying infront of him.

I have always been a happy person and still am when I am not around him however when he's in my presence I can feel myself sinking lower and lower. I am wondering wether I will soon me diagnosed with depression and I am worried that will cause some alarm bells to ring with the GP. I will not have anybody question my parenting towards my daughter because we have an amazing bond together and I only want the best for her so am beginning to wonder wether I have to do the right thing and leave my boyfriend.

But on the other hand I do not want to leave him as I love him and think this will cause him to do something silly. Which sounds stupid as he clearly isn't happy with me either. I just don't want to add any wood to the fire!

Please help!! Does anybody know of any free counselling In The UK?

Does anybody think I would be eligible to be referred for counselling through the NHS?

And do any of you guys suffering from depression anxiety or ptsd have anybody advice on how I can deal with this?

Would any of you act like this to the person you love? Who has supported you through everything??

Ps WELL DONE IF YOU READ THIS FAR

I'm really greatful for any help and advice

Kayleigh

24 Replies
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Ok - things are really really tough. You are carrying such a burden with being a new mum and your partner being ill.

Depression is an illness. It is treatable.

First, don't think what's best for your man. Your duty is to yourself first, then your daughter and then him.

His behavior whilst recognizable as a symptom of depression is not excusable.

He needs professional help. He hasn't taken his medication in a way that will let it work. At the very least that needs to happen.

But that is not your problem. Your problem is what to do about being with an abusive partner. Do you think it will be a good example for your daughter to see? Do you think he is treating her right?

You can speak to your GP -just even to note what your partner is like can be important.

If you become depressed you must get medical help. Being depressed doesn't make you a bad or incapable mum. Not getting help that would put everything at risk.

Have you got family to turn to. Even a short stay away from partner might give you a break, allow you some distance to reflect and shows partner that you won't tolerate his behavior.

If your partner as here asking for advice I'd give him that. I don't blame him for being depressed but illness doesn't allow you to abuse another person. If he accepts he needs help it's here for him.

But as I said, don't think of him, think of you and your child first. Always. Love doesn't demand you risk yourself. No matter what he was like in the past you have tried to help him. If he can't help himself then nothing you do will change that. It will just hurt you. So don't feel guilty. If things change and he gets help then you can begin again.

Your GP can help with counseling. Relate help any relationship so if you want you can contact them too.

I hope this helps. Just say if not.

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Oh my I wrote my post not really expecting anybody to take the time to reply but I am so glad that you did so thankyou. I guess I just needed a little reassurance to let me know I'm not going mad and that these things really are unacceptable even with his illness. Don't get me wrong I understand his deprsssion doesn't help the situation but you're right it doesn't make the way he acts acceptable. I keep asking him for a little more respect because if he cared about me and our daughter he should want to help himself

I think it's true to say you can't help somebody until they help themselves. I can only advise him he takes it as nagging when really all I do is care.

I think you're right about some space I've been thinking it for a long time he is judy in that frame of depression right now that I feel if I was to leave he would say 'oh well' instead of changing his attitude to win me back. He's very much a quitter but I think maybe if I actually go he will know I'm serious about not being treated this way,

Thank you soooo much xx

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I agrees with DMM, you need to start looking after yourself. He has been to the GP for help and in not taking his medication properly has refused that help. I think he probably needs some therapy to help him come to terms with his accident and learn to control his anger.

You need to be able to keep up your strength, if you have somewhere you could stay for a while where you can get some support I think some space would do you both some good, it will allow you to recharge and show him that you are not going to continue putting up with his behaviour. Tell him you are not leaving for good but until he accepts the help he is being offered it is not the right environment for you or your little girl to be in and that until he starts to try to get better you cannot live with him but will still support him. I left my husband for 3 months last year, it was awful but honestly the best thing we could have done for our relationship... I got the help I needed for my depression (still fighting it but at least I am trying) and he learnt he couldn't keep treating me the way he had and now we are stronger than ever.

It must be so hard trying to look after him, your daughter and yourself... seeing your doctor to discuss how you are feeling and inform them of his situation could help and maybe you could get some counselling together.

I really hope you get the support you desperately need and that he chooses to get some help.

L x

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I so hope you are right, I'm glad you have proven to me I still have my sanity (just!) I am worth more than the way he is treating me right now and the way he acts infront of our daughter, I think it is definitely coming to the point that I will need some space.

He went to his GP today to get a prescription again but wouldn't let me go with him. He came out saying his doctor won't give him anymore because the last lot didn't work ( because he didn't take them I am assuming) why else would they not have Just tried him with a different prescription? There is no way a GP would tell somebody who is suffering severely who talks about wanting to kill himself that they aren't going to help him. They apparently just told him to look online at some self help tecqnuiques! I've told him I would like us both to go together that way I know he won't be able to talk down his depression like I know he does!

Thanks for your kind advice. I am feeling just that little bit better knowing there are people out there who know I'm not going mad (even if it is online) I never really tried speaking online until today so thank you! Xx

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Unless he had an absolutely awful GP I find that hard to believe, there are so many different medications out there that even if he told them those tablets didn't work they would try him with something else. I can understand your partners frustration with thinking tablets aren't working as we all want a quick fix but he really needs to persevere with them more.

Could you try to give him an ultimatum that he either lets you go with him to try to get some help or you are going to have to leave until he sorts it out himself? Maybe he needs the shock factor to make changes.

I think sometimes speaking to strangers is the best way as you don't need to worry about what you are saying!!!

L x

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Thanks L,

The problem I believe I am facing is I have given him many ultimatums but am too weak to act on them I tell him I cannot deal with this if he doesn't get help soon and we need to fix it if not for ourselves then for the bond between him and baby. (She's been saying mummy a lot the last few days and I feel that instead of being happy he is jealous of the fact she hasn't said dada! I can't blame her for not saying it as even though he is good with her he just doesn't make enough effort)

I have approached him asking him to call up the doctors to see his own GP as he will feel more comfortable speaking with him instead of the doctor who he has been seeing. Low and behold he gave the 'I'll do it tomorrow' excuse but will give him the benefit of the doubt for today and hope he does as he says tomorrow.

If not I think it's safe to say I am beyond helping him until he decides he wants to help himself!

Again, thanks for all the advice

K x

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Bless you it's so hard! I threatened to leave repeatedly for a couple of months, even left and returned the same day/next day before realising enough was enough and that for both our sakes I had to leave properly. It taught us both a lot, mainly that we really loved each other and needed each other more than I ever knew!!

Whatever you decide I wish you luck, stay strong. I hope he does phone tomorrow, have you tried making the appointment for him otherwise. Maybe he is scared about finally having to admit defeat, men are funny creatures!!!

L x

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I would love to make his appointments but unfortunately that would mean him being angry at me for getting involved in something he maybe Was eventually going to do himself!

Going back a couple of months ago I handed his prescription in for him and collected it and it was hell on earth telling me I was wrong for doing that!

He just thinks I am the opposite to who I am, I'm very caring and sensitive and feel like he misreads my background. I was born and brought up in a small village cottage and he was born and moved from city house to city house through his childhood! His single mum is a lot tougher than mine and feel our backgrounds are a huge influence in the way we both deal with our situations.

Fingers crossed this gets sorted soon!

I am sorry to have burdened you with my problems today but will be forever greatful for your numerous replies.

Take care and by the way I am glad that you and your husband worked through your differences. And am glad you have managed to seek help with your depression as well as learning in yourself what you can tolerate before enough is enough! You sound like a superb woman who has had many challenges to face but has overcome a lot of them!

Thanks again xx

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You have not burdened me one bit! The end of that message made me smile and think about things differently so thank you :)

Take care of yourself and if you ever need to chat you know you can post on here again or message me.

Good luck

L x

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I'm glad to hear that, I'm happy that I could make a difference to some bodies day no matter how small it was,

Take care :)

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Kayleigh

Your Partner is basically suffering PTSD, and associated depression caused by the road traffic accident. He will also be feeling low because He broke both legs and will be fearful and resentful in live in general. Also I would imagine His confidence has really taken a knock

He needs to talk out His PTSD and the breaking of His legs, He will possibly be feeling His life will only get worse and His condition has made him a cripple and cannot see any way out. The damage to the legs and the car accident must be causing a great deal of anger and will flustrate His mood to you and life in general. I would imagine this will be effecting His Sex life and that will affect His mood in the evening before bed. This will also cause problems as He rises in the morning as you say He sits up at night and sleeps over an extended period in the morning. The accident and His fears will make Him take it out on you and that is not a good place to be in.

I am unable to see what treatments He has had from His legs and how He is getting on moving about.

PTSD is a nasty negative condition that needs someone who can relate to his concerns and fears. Your Partner needs to talk out the accident with those horrific injuries. When this is addressed and He comes to terms with any treatments they can offer. and also accepts what He will need to tolerate for the rest of His Life.

Remember the actual looking after you and your little girl must be dragging Him down and will not be helping gaining a positive outlook to life in general.

You will need to be firm and kind and persuade Him to go back and see His GP, go with Him if possible. Explain what is happening and explain about His accident. Treatment, possibly CBT would possibly be beneficial. He will also need to come to terms with his broken legs and move on

It is difficult here to understand the damage and work done on His legs, although you need to not only protect yourself also your Child. If the relationship is becoming violent it may be you would be better leaving, this may make Him understand what has happened because of His attitude and may force him to get treatment

Drag Him down to see His GP.

BOB

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Yes bob it's safe to say his confidence has taken a knock, he's never really had much self esteem but recently he has gone downhill, he doesn't shave, he might have a bath once a week which definitely doesn't help as he sweats severely all night.

Fortunately his legs are almost back to normal, he had to have a few operations to place metal rods and screws into both his legs and then another operation to remove the metalwork from one of them. He is walking fine the only symptoms left are that they ache him after a few hours of being on his feet as well as not quite being able to run again yet. So overall I would expect him to be happier that he isn't incapacitated any more he is almost 100% back to normal apart from his mental illnesses and his lack of self esteem.

He wears a woolly hat as part of his lack of self esteem and refuses to take it off all day until he is in bed at night. There is nothing I say that will make him take it off, he doesn't want a hair cut and has said even if he gets one he will still wear his hat which is ridiculous with the heat we have been blessed with this summer in the UK!

The relationship is not currently violent towards me however he does tell me that he would like to knock me around which I believe is part of the emotional abuse he is putting me through.

I have never been a violent person, as far as I remember I have never raised a hand to anybody on my life which is something to be proud of but I do know for a fact that I would protect myself if it had to come to it. That is something that I would not tolerate.

I hope he rebooks in with his GP tomorrow after he went today and they apparently told him there was no point giving him more medication if it isn't working. Which is highly disbelieve and want him to go back with me so we can explain together what his life is like at the moment.

Thanks for being so understanding I am really pleased with my outcome from this post today I never would have imagined gaining this sort of support from posting something online

Thankyou!

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If you need to chat I am always around

BOB

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Kayleigh lets us know how things are tomorrow. Often people post at a crisis and get through it but it's a temporary retreat. Keeping in touch helps us know you are safe and keeps you getting lots of ideas.

Your partner is getting worse with his mental illness. So bear that in mind and don't stay in a dangerous situation. If you ever feel things aren't right but can't think why, just take your baby and leave for a bit. Instinct is great at times.

Different backgrounds give people different coping mechanisms. It's sounds as if your partner doesn't have the right tools to help himself at the moment. But, it may have to hit rock bottom for him to realize that.

You can't mother an adult. He needs to do his own nurturing.

As you leaving etc. you will know when that becomes inevitable. You will make the right decision at the right time. So don't overthink it.

If your partner isn't good with emotions maybe ask him what his thinks instead.

You could sit down and talk - you could say to him that the talk is only going to be about what's going on in his head. If you do that, no matter what he says, listen and don't say anything about how his behavior affects you. Keep it entirely about him. Doing this allows him space to open up. If he knows that he will not be criticized in any way he may talk honestly. It may surprise you how he feels. The purpose of the talk is simply to get him to realize he needs professional help. He needs to speak with GP and get medication. Nothing else. The talk about how it's all effected you can happen later when he's safe. By simply listening you aren't agreeing with him or anything else - you are simply allowing him to have his say so he can get to the point where he sees he needs help. If you can do that it's a f@@@ing miracle and you are extraordinary.

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Thanks DMM218 that was a great bit of advice.

I do have to admit I have tried this before but I have the trait of not being able to keep quiet. I can't help but feel what goes on in his head is the total opposite of how our lives actually are. As though he forgets what actually happened and makes it all about him blaming me for every all of his depression.

I will definitely give this advice a go when he is in a better mood to talk, he has had a terrible day today but to be honest most of his days are terrible at the moment. I will see if we can sit down for a proper talk where I do nothing except listen.

It's a shame he doesn't seek help through the internet like I do As he would be speaking to a lot of lovely people like yourself to help guide him through.

I am safe, I will never put my daughter at risk of being in danger I am just feeling sorry for her being around such a moody and irate dad at the monent, she is at that age where she is taking everything around her in and I am mainly worried about the detrimental effects of his attitude. If there is one thing I hate about this whole thing is just her being around the shouting. There is not a lot of talking that comes from him.

Thank you for your concern I will keep you all posted and will write tomorrow to let you know wether he seeks the help from his own GP!

K x

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Do. The talk and listen thing - whatever he says just remind yourself that he isn't well and depression does alter perception. So it's a reflection of that. Most of it ignore, what you want to do is try to get him talking about his feelings. So if he's like - I do all the work and nobody cares etc. say - ok that doesn't sound good, how does that make you feel. Etc. he might say something like - angry. Ok feeling angry is hard. Do you think you can cope with your anger etc. so it's about accepting what he is saying without actually agreeing - and moving it on. If it working you will be able to ask him what's going to help him. And then that becomes how he can help himself etc

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When having the talk don't face each other - he won't want eye contact. I find when I do this I literally cover my mouth with my hand so as not to say wrong thing.

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Hi dmm218

All okay here so far this morning probably because my parent is still asleep. It was his turn to get up this morning with out little girl, the first day since Friday and he didn't sleep all night and miraculously started to fall asleep when our daughter woke up so I am up and have been since 5.30 this morning.

My partner starts work at two o'clock again so will likely be another day he goes without spending time with DD.

I will ask him again about calling his GP when I know what mood he is in when he wakes up in a few hours.

I feel like I have given in a bit this morning with getting up and am feeling a bit defeated I am getting very tired doing everything all the time for my partner to go to work for only 3 hours.

I totally get that that is a huge achievement for him while having this illness however feel very undervalued for all the work I am doing unnoticed. I hope this afternoon will be a much better one than yesterday

Thanks for caring

K x

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It's not about giving in etc it's you behaving reasonably when someone else isn't/can't.

It's really hard on you and getting just a few hours extra sleep is a Godsend with a little one.

Try not to get wound up - easier said than done.

Can you get out of the house for a few hours with the little one just to get you fresh air. It can help sometimes.

Feeling unnoticed and unappreciated is tough. Been there. People on this site know the efforts you go through. We might not be the person you want noticing. Hopefully, if you get through this as long as you do right for your daughter she will appreciate you in time.

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I agree, I did feel bad for him not being able to sleep to tell you the truth which was why I got up and didn't moan however felt really annoyed that I got out of bed to see him watching me and I still didn't get a thanks!

He has before outright refused to do things for our dd and well I can't argue because if I didn't do it she wouldn't get what she needs.

I would never not do something my for child but it makes me irate because he believes I am the only one who is responsible for taking care of her, feeding her, changing her, bathing her ect.

He seems to just like to sit and give her a cuddle 😐

I know I sound selfish but I feel like it would be different if I knew he was at least trying to sort his depression out. Sometimes I feel like he uses it to his advantage, instead of treating it he feels like if he carries on feeling so rubbish I will take on all of his responsibilities almost like I'm being guilt tripped into doing it all.

I can't help but be mad at myself for feeling so selfish knowing he is ill but I am glad I am outing it on here instead of to him. As you mentioned yesterday when I speak to him in need to try not to make it about myself

Thanks again

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Don't beat yourself up - it's a really hard situation and your feelings are natural - just try not to hold on to them or bottle them as that's not good for you. X

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Hi Kayleigh, really sorry to hear about the issues you and your partner are facing. Anxiety and depression is horrendous. My husband has had severe mental health issues for a number of years. This escalated recently and he has made several attempts to take his life so I can empathise with your situation. The way you describe your partner's behaviour towards you concerns me. His aggression and name calling would be classed as domestic violence (emotional & psychological abuse). I hope me pointing this out doesn't cause you additional distress but I feel that I have to mention it to you as it isn't always obvious to those in abusive relationships. Speak to your GP to ask for support - you may be able to access counselling or a short course of CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and consider getting in touch with your local Women's Aid. Your partner needs professional help. Try and focus the energy you have on looking after yourself and your daughter. Take care xx

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Hi jo, I'm sorry to hear about your husband, I apologise if I seem selfish talking about my own problems when your husband is in that frame of mind. I feel pretty hard done by at the moment but I can't imagine how you're feeling taking care of your husband. Suicide is one of those topics you never think you will be face to face with but in reality it could happen to any one of us. I really hope you manage to work through this it seems as though you are a very strong woman, it's good to know you are still standing by your husband through his difficult time. It's a shame we can't get inside our loved ones heads to make them see rationally.

I agree that the way my partner has been acting recently is turning into borderline psychological abuse. I have recently been telling him this and think it's time he began to change if not for himself then his beautiful daughter.

Don't get me wrong he has a lovely bond with our baby I just feel like with all of the shouting at me infront of her it will start having a negative affect.

I have always been quite a strong woman however I do let things get to me and can be very sensitive at times however do feel I am building up a bit more of a barrier with my emotions as he seems to say the same things all the time to begin with I was very open about being hurt by his words and actions but now feel as though what is the point because he isn't making a change.

I am definitely considering talking to my GP, it's just one of those things that I'm quite nervous about as I do not want anybody to question my parenting to my little girl who is coming on in leaps and bounds and am worried about being diagnosed myself incase they think I am incapable of being a good mum. Although on the plus side I do have a family nurse who visits once every two weeks and comments on the progress my daughter is making towards her milestones. My bond with my girl is amazing it's just a shame it can't be a more happy environment for her with a happy dad.

How would you suggest I approach my gp about the subject?

Thank you for your help and advice x

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I suffer from depression, multiple anxiety disorders and PTSD, and I can say that it is totally not fair on you that he is treating you and your family like this. No matter if you suffer from a mental or physical illness, it does NOT allow a person to be excused for their negative behaviour. If he is not getting help or does not care about his relationships, he is not worth it. People with health issues have to realise it does not excuse them from getting away with abusing their loved ones. It's understandable that what he is going through has a huge impact on his behaviours but no one should let you feel this low. I strongly recommend you go to counselling, (even though the NHS is pretty shit when it comes to mental health), at least you'll have someone to talk to who may help and then maybe your partner will see how hard your trying for him and yourself. If he does not then you know that you need to make a decision. Try and find family or friends to help out with your kid, I truly hope this all gets better for you and your family. I can't imagine how hard it must be having your first child and having to deal with all of this. Although I have dealt with my dad acting in similar ways to your partner, so I know how that feels and I know that everything is his decision and you are not responsible for what he does with his life. Peace and Love ❤️

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