I think I have BPD

Hi, I've posted on here before about various things to do with my mental health. I have anxiety and suffer from depression due to my anxiety and I take sertraline and have done for over a year now. Unfortunately this hasn't done much for me in terms of making me feel 'better'. I'm a student at university and I live away from home, which is when most of the issues came to head and presented themselves to me, even though I've suffered for as long as I can remember.

Long story short, I think I may have BPD and I know it isn't good to self diagnose so I am going to get to a doctor as soon as I can pluck up the courage as I always find they aren't much help for me. I have been in a relationship ship for a while now and my boyfriend and I have both realised that I am not ok. I rely heavily on him and by heavily I mean I would rather die than not be with him, seriously. And it's taking its tole, I'm possessive and controlling even though I have no idea I'm doing it. I have the shortest temper ever, I can explode and say the most hateful things and regret it afterwards. I'm in a constant state of worry that all my friends, family and bf are going to suddenly abandon me to the point where I'll stay up the entire night worrying about it, sometimes this leads to be literally vomiting because my anxiety is so high. My self worth is evidently very low, I feel annoying and a burden to those around to the point where isolate myself from everyone but then get upset that I'm lonely. I've started to self harm again and I often drink a lot and smoke a lot when I get the chance to the point where it's unhealthy.

I can't admit to myself how bad it's gotten and I live in this fucked up world inside my head where I'm jeopardising all my relationships because I'm scared of losing the people I'm closest to (?). It doesn't make any sense and I'm extremely confused.

If anyone has BPD, it would be nice to have your opinion and maybe how your own BPD manifests. I am at a loss of what to do for myself because nothing seems to be helping me and the sertraline I'm on right now seems to be making things worse.

Thanks for the help

[Lx91]

I feel like you are describing myself. I have some other symptoms as I'm sure you do to. I would say the biggest factor for me is having the most heightened irrational emotions yet still feeling a deep emptiness inside. I have recently been diagnosed with BPD and as much as you probably don't want to hear this...it makes difference, there is no magic pill and no magic therapy it's all about us learning to deal with our emotions (something I am struggling with as you may have seen from my earlier post). Do go to the doctors and get the help, you can have therapy if they do believe you have BPD, speak to them about your medication and that you don't think it is helping (this is another sign that your selfdiagnosis could be right) and see what they say

You could be right or wrong but without getting a specialist diagnosis you will never know!

L x

Ps...try not to push your boyfriend away as hard as it is and as much as I know you don't mean to, if he's stuck by you through this he could be a lifer!! My husband is a diamond but there's only so much they can deal with, make sure he is well supported to cos if you are anything like me you will be hard to cope with at times and he will need people around him!

[sindylulu]

Having been diagnosed with BPD (although I have the manic end) 11 years ago can I just urge you to get professional help. I was fortunate enough to get brilliant assistance when I was first diagnosed although to be honest the help after that has been patchy. However, once the diagnosis is out there friends (real ones) and family know what they are dealing with and can offer real support. My friends have been my greatest source of comfort but prescription drugs will help you deal with the truly horrible feelings this condition brings. You can live with this! You are not alone, there are a lot of us out there. My son (who is in his third year at Uni) recently had to come home because he too has now been diagnosed with the depressive end. Eating really healthy food, taking lots and I do mean, lots of exercise will really, really help. If you can cut right down on the alcohol and cigarettes will also be a huge help, although I have struggled with these crutches all my life. You recognise you need help and there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for help. Please take that first step you are clearly a very special person xxx

[sindylulu]

I replied to you recently, but I just wanted to let you know I can't stop thinking about the things you said as it sounds so much like my son. You are not alone, you are a sparkling lovely person, please, please get some help as your words break my heart. Keep strong and just know that although we will never ever meet I am thinking of you

[Lx91 in reply to sindylulu]

I know this isn't my post but can I please ask what medications you have found helpful? I recently posted a similar post on here myself...I am being told there is no medication to help only therapy but am struggling so much right now that I can't see a way out without a bit of a boost first...

Thanks

L x

[sindylulu in reply to Lx91]

Hi, I have type 1 bipolar which basically means I have mania so I can only tell you what helped me with that. The BIGGEST help was depakote (I take 1500 mg per day) it helps with the manic thoughts, the voices and most recently the hallucinations (horribly scary stuff). I have struggled with alcohol dependency since my teens (I am now 55) but I manage much better when I don't drink alcohol at all. I know I have mentioned this before on this site but exercise has been a huge help to me, just as long as I don't take it to ridiculous levels. I have a couple of PTs and have joined a local boot camp and found the camaraderie from that has really helped too My son nicknamed me psycho Sindy when I first got diagnosed but my real name is Lesley - I do think of them as separate parts of the same person - Sindy just comes out when I'm not well. When I can shove her back in the box I can get on with my life! Bi-polar isn't who we are, just a facet of our personalities. Better times will come I promise xxx

[Lx91 in reply to sindylulu]

Thankyou for your reply. It's great that you find your mania can be managed (mostly) with medication. I'm just interested to hear as many peoples experiences as possible to help with my recovery. I need to get out and excersise as this is something I don't do and don't find the thought of it appealing but know it can really help. I am finding more and more that I am using alcohol as a crutch, I drank ALL the time as a teen and now see this was probably a coping mechanism and then completely stopped for a bout 6yrs but over the last 2 yrs it has been slowly creeping back into my life and is something my husband hates so is very difficult. I like that you take your sons nickname in the humour it is (hopefully!) intended, I notice you say he is suffering now also, you'll hafta warn him he'll get his own fitting nickname if he doesn't accept the help to get well again!!!

Thanks for your time

L x

[sindylulu in reply to Lx91]

He is my best friend and absolute rock and anytime you want to talk please don't hesitate to drop me a line and spend your wine money on a personal trainer LOL

[Hidden in reply to sindylulu]

Thank you, it's nice to hear that. I'm going to get help as soon as this uni term is over as I'd rather go when I'm home, so I can have support from my family and all that. I hope your son is doing well!!

[sindylulu]

That makes me very happy and yes, he is doing much better