Scared..I think

[Saram8]

I'm a 39 year old woman on the verge of divorce. I've changed in the past several years and I hate who I've become. I'm about to sabotage the only marriage I never knew I wanted and I don't know how to salvage it. I don't even know if I still love him or just afraid of being without him. I used to be so happy about everything, used to love everyone and everything and now I hate his kids and probably him. It's a mental issue and I can't describe my problem, and I know I have one. I know I need help and quick. I've been alone before and I loved it, so I'm not afraid to be alone. I've self medicated with Adderall and it helps for about an hour, wears off and I'm back to the same old hateful self. Someone help, if it's possible.

[Saram8]

My husband just nailed it on the head. I'm so insecure that I hate anyone or anything that takes time or attention away from me. I'll be the sweetest person ever when I think I'm getting what I want and the minute I don't, I turn into a humongous bitch and hurt you uncontrollably so that you can't hurt me. The problem is ruining my marriage.

[Suzie40]

Aaw I'm sure you're not a bad person and whatever is going on for you at the moment, I am sure it can be resolved. I'm the same age as you and some of your difficulties resonate with me, so happy to chat anytime x

[Patient0]

I am 38 and have been through quite a turbulent time in my marriage too. I don't think my issue is the same as yours but I have had a lot of counselling about this and other things, so I have some techniques which worked for me. It sounds like something you are holding onto from your childhood?:

1. Write it out of you - start writing letters (that you will never send) to whoever it is that's upsetting you. Write them to get the emotion out. Keep going over them to refine them and add notes. Then read them to look for common themes - it's easier if you do it with a counselor because they will pick up on things that you won't.

2. Meditate - there are loads of types of meditation and it's not all hippyish. The best types are Transcendental but you have to learn with an instructor. Try mindfulness or if you just want to be calmer, try this for free: meditainment.com/login

It just helps you to get a clearer picture of your own head and what you really want.

There are a few really good speakers on YouTube now: Mel Robbins how to stop screwing yourself over, Tony Robbins how to eliminate self-sabotage.

[Saram8 in reply to Patient0]

Thank you very much!!

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi Saram8 and welcome to this caring forum. I am sorry to hear things are so difficult for you at the moment. It may be a good idea to book an appointment to see your family doctor and explain how you are feeling, then some help and support can be arranged. You will then feel better and this should have a positive effect on your marriage. Your doctor will be able to arrange counselling / cognitive behavioral therapy for you, which should help. I hope you will soon be feeling better. Please stay on the forum to receive help and support from other members. Take care and best wishes.

[Saram8 in reply to MAS_Nurse]

Thank you. I am making an appointment with a psychiatrist very soon.