Should I send my ex a birthday card?

[Lush__x]

Just wondering what people think about me sending a birthday card to my recent ex.

As everyone will know i split up with my ex about a month ago, and this time last week i went to get my things from his. I gave him a few things back he give me as it was too painful to see them or throw them away and he was so annoyed and gutted and said he took back everything he said to me that night and he has not messaged me back when i replied to him to explain that it was too painful etc.

His birthday is coming up at the start of May so another month will have passed by then.

I dont feel like I should ignore his birthday really. You know, i dont want to be petty and immature and it doesnt feel quite right not to do anything.

Just before we split up he said "least you wont have to get anything for my birthday"...he was very into things being fair like same amount of money being spent etc so am sure the thought of me not buying him anything was tough for him because hes a bit tight like that - i wouldnt of even of thought of that!!

My mum said "why should you get him one?!" because she doesnt think i should bother and he doesnt deserve one. But that just doesnt sit right with me.

It might get his back up if he thinks im not bothered even though hes not spoke to me since last week. and really i dont no if hes still angry or what. Im not doing it to get a responce, im not bothered if i dont and i dont expect to actually but i feel like maybe im being the bigger person by acknowledging his birthday?

anyway im just thinking out loud trying to sort it out in my own head because i cant exactly put my finger on why i actually want too! - sorry its so long!!

So what do people think the best thing to do is? what would you do?

[downandout]

NO leave it be, its opening it back up and allowing you to stay involved there is a reason why he is an ex and I know you feel bad but its better to leave it alone as he may have moved on by then, if you had been together for 20 years then maybe, but i never sent my ex any and the ones that the children made for him got thrown back through my door.

Its time to leave it be, delete his number from your phone and keep moving forward

Helen

xx

[Lush__x in reply to downandout]

Hi Helen thanks for your reply!

I wanted to delete each other from facebook etc but he begged me not to cut him out of my life as he said its like im running away from things.

It didnt end because we didnt have feelings anymore, we just argued to much and didnt want to end up hating each other.

But since he did say he took everything back maybe i should just delete him off facebook, scared he will message me going mad. But maybe he doesnt care anymore....dont no which is worse =/

x

[downandout]

well just leave it for now and just see if he contacts you in the next week and if you dont then just delete him and block him on facebook, one thing i learnt is that staying in contact with a person you argue with only leaves you going back and forwards, and he begs you not to cut him out but then insults you by saying that your running away from things, hmm i sense a wee bit of control there, did he admit at any time that he could have handled things differently or is it always your fault and your the one doing everything wrong etc, have a really good think about that one, as I had to undergo a lot of therapy via domestic violence and mental health due to it all being my fault and never his, and also lost my children to adoption as a result, if he did admit he was wrong at times then just sit and wait but if he didnt and its always your fault walk away as fast as you can

xxx

[Lush__x in reply to downandout]

Ive deleted him off facebook. He is always there at the back of my mind when i go on and i worry what he might see on my profile. So i just did it, he said he took everything back so why should i think any differently.

Well there was a period of time the arguing made me that depressed i couldnt cope and argue back so yeah i said sorry alot for things i thought wasnt my fault. Then he said last week it was basically my fault why we split up as i pushed him away for bringing up things he had done in the past. So i said do you not think you shouldnt have done those things? and he said well it didnt feel like a real relationship and he thought i shouldnt be staying with him because of how he was being towards me so he didnt bother putting any effort in. which is confusing, why not be nice to me and put the effort in? He said i made him feel worthless and spending time with his mates since we split up made him feel like a good person again.

But yeah he was very controlling....he could never see my point of view....but blamed me for being like that =S it was all so very confusing, i felt like my brain had melted and i was arguing with a wall! (there was always something he told me not to do but he actually was the one doing it, i changed everything he didnt like eg being stubborn etc) he said he would take my point of view if it made sense....but it never did to him, even stupid things! eg once i put a bowl on a plate after washing it and put it in the cupboard, later i pulled the plate out and the bowl fell off and broke. he was pretty annoyed and brought it up regularly.

then one day....again after me washing up (at his flat i might add) i put 2 small round plates on top of 2 slightly larger square plates. He opened the cupboard and went mad!....said i shouldnt stack plates (he wanted the 2 different type of plates seperatly next to each other, not on top) and it had annoyed him everytime i had washed up (which was most of the time but he had never mentioned it before) and he shouted at me that i should of learnt my lession last time (when the bowl broke) and to do as i was told!!

I was speechless!!! I said everyone stacks plates in a cupboard to save space! =S but he would have none of it. i didnt dare do it again!

He did admit he was wrong sometimes and wouldnt leave me alone until i had forgiven him but most of the time he wasnt wrong, and it was usually something daft like the plate example. i could write a book on the other things like that.

xxx

[Suzie40]

I would send x

[downandout]

Well there you go you have your answer, sounds like you got away in time and that i can say it would only get worse, look after yourself and if a person can not accept you for you and always has to find fault they are not worth it, and I say that knowing how lonely it is to be alone but what i have found out now at 42 is that its far better to be alone and know what i am doing and do it when ever and how ever i like rather than be abused all the time

take care

xxx

[Lush__x in reply to downandout]

sorry i have just seen this. not been on fo a while. but what you said about "its far better to be alone and know what i am doing and do it when ever and how ever i like rather than be abused all the time" is a good way of looking at things.

Thank you for replying to me

xxx