4 day's clean,see how long this goes for.

[CJ2016]

Well it's been around 4 day's without cutting,(that's a new record for me),granted my arm's do have scar's now,but they are not OTT and depending how long i can go without cutting perhaps they will fade over time),my mood has not been "down" either,nor has it been as "up" as it has before,but i wouldn't say i am feeling content either,best way to descibe it is not "bothered" sort of feeling motivation is kind of 50/50.

Even when thing's don't go my way or someone say's something that would normally cause me to "trigger" and change my mood pretty rapidly,nothing has,strange,but i suppose it's a good thing to some degree.

Granted i still have that nagging urge to cut in the back of my head,it's like a constant loop of wanting to just pick that blade up and start cutting,but i have resisted the urge so far,problem now binge eating has sort of taken over from it.

So yeah,i have not taken any picture's in a day or two either,been really busy with work,so maybe that's another reason,i have been busy to the point of not having time to think,see how it is by the end of the weekend,i have to look after my father seeing as my mother has gone to visit her brother for the weekend.

Normally this situation would stress me out,but again so far so good. But anyway,hopefully the two pictures that i have shared won't "offend" anyone,it's just i have been hiding my arm's for so long,and this has been the "cleanest" they have been a long time also.

[CJ2016]

Lol thank's Fi3h,yeah once they all healed up properly,ill try some bio oil,worse case scenario,if the scars don't fade,ill eventually end up looking at getting a tattoo should do the trick in covering up the scars.

And last time i tried carving up a pumpkin,it looked more like sloth from the goonies rather then anything pumpkin related.

[CJ2016]

Yeah i think with getting a tat,it's more about what you want then how it looks when you get "older",personally i think your never to old to get one,especailly if it's something really meaningful to you.

I have also been toying with the idea for years,but it's pinpointing and making a final decision on what exactly it is that i want/wanted.

If and when i get over this speed bump(in regards to my nogging)and i know for sure,i will never cut again,if the scar's don't fade enough then i think it would just make it easier getting a tattoo/get both arms done,rather then having to explain to people the cuts on your arms.

[Photogeek]

Hi Cj I personally don't want to look at a graphic photo like this. I sympathise with your problem, ,but I can't see how Posting the photo will help,

I hope your getting help .

Hannah

[CJ2016 in reply to Photogeek]

You don't have to sympathise for me, i am my own worst enemy,and as i wrote at the end of the post i do apologise for anyone not wanting to see the image,although those images,are actually my arm's not having been cut in 4 day.

That is as non graphic as the picture's can get as the majority of that is scar,not cut.

As for getting help,i am not brave enough yet.

[Hidden in reply to Photogeek]

Yes I agree as I find pictures like this disturbing. I salute your courage in facing up it though. If it helps you not to cut then that's good. x

[CJ2016]

Old habbit's die hard,i am using to saying "if" all the time because i have always seen thing's as black & white,there is no inbetween,it's either all in or all out(it's not a good trait)

And yeah although i have always wanted to get a cross tatt,but i don't want some plain ol cross,would want a half sleeve,something detailed,but i know it will cost a pretty penny to have it done.

[CJ2016]

I am pant's at drawing,but i have a rough idea in my head,on how i would want it to look.

[Satsuma]

Hey CJ2016 you have just given me an idea .. I am an artist and I could branch out to be a tattoo design artist .. Thanks for that .. You have brought me some inspiration. Thankyou for this.

[CJ2016 in reply to Satsuma]

Sounds good sat 👍

[jennyjolly]

Had a colourful butterfly on my shoulder

for my 60th, last year

Go for it but check with studio.. fresh ink pot for each person

Last thing you need is Hep C/HIV

Always a possibility where needles involved

Good luck!

[CJ2016 in reply to jennyjolly]

That's cool, i know of a very good tattooist in the town he has been doing it foe years so would more then likely be him.

[jennyjolly in reply to CJ2016]

Best of luck with everything

You could do with finding ways that work for you of handling stress and emotional pain

You could look up EFT,free on U tube

Bach Flower Rescue remedy

Deep breathing techniques

work well

Watch some relaxation vids on U Tube

that have positive affirmations embedded..all for free

You Can Do It!!!

[CJ2016 in reply to jennyjolly]

Thanks for the tips, atm i am feeling ok, well for last 4 days, it can last a few days to a few weeks to a few months, then at a snap of a finger my mood will change, so it's like riding the wave while it lasts sort of thing at the moment

[jennyjolly in reply to CJ2016]

Titled:How to stop self-harming attp://wikihow.com/Stop-Self-Harming

[CJ2016 in reply to jennyjolly]

I think over the years i have had at least one addiction first being

Food, eat it when bored, eat it when stressed, and it is always crap, nothing healthy, then it makes you feel like crap for eating it.

Then it was sex, hey who does not like sex? Well in my case i was never satisfied and wanted it every day and was not far off getting it everyday. I craved it like a drug, it really was not healthy.

Then it became exercise, everyday was calculated doe calorie in take, time made to make sure i could get a work out in, it became pure obsession. And became edgy if i couldnt.

Then it went back to food again, and urge to self harm became stronger, until i actually started to cut, and it became an everyday thing.

I have always been all in or all out, no grey area only ever black or white, and i guess thats not really a good thing.

[jennyjolly in reply to CJ2016]

I know all about addictions,unfortunately

Food was biggie for me

Never put on any weight

Could eat whole loaf almost in one sitting

Greedy piggy

Sex,well.. I should have been so lucky

First husband addicted to drink

Second to heroin

everything else way down the list

addicted myself to seemingly tough blokes,in and out of jail

All with a fatal flaw

The black/white thing is quite a male trait

You seem to have a lot of insight

Get the feeling you'll overcome this

And be a greater person for i

[jennyjolly in reply to CJ2016]

at end meant 'greater person for it'

[CJ2016 in reply to jennyjolly]

Yeah i think the next step will actually be to go to the Drs, its just a matter of building up the confidence to actually go tuere

[jennyjolly in reply to CJ2016]

You Can Do It!

acknowledging/getting the advice you need makes you more of a person..not less

[LoriMS61]

Hi CJ,

I didn't know whether to comment or not, because I don't want you to be sick of my voice, but I'm glad you are doing well. I don't want you to beat yourself up though if you do hurt yourself.

Have you tried an eleastic band round your wrist, give it a hard tug whenever you think of hurting yourself? Brings you into the here and now.

Treat it like an addiction, and keep up the hard work.

Lori

P.s, for future reference, it might be worth placing a warning in your title, to prevent those who would benefit from one getting a shock. I'm happy to see them, and look forward to seeing them nice and clear.

[CJ2016 in reply to LoriMS61]

Hey Lori,good to hear from you,and of course i wouldn't be sick of your "voice/comments"

And yeah i heard of the eleastic band thing as well as the ice cube in the palm of your hand or something like that.

And yeah i was hoping there was a way of stopping the image appearing openly and only being able to see it once the thread is open,but yeah.

Trying really hard not to cut,my mood is ok at the moment,feeling a tiny bit stressed,but not enough to trigger yet.

Also i just noticed that the right and left are actually the other way around,ha im stupid.

[LoriMS61 in reply to CJ2016]

Keep it up. Maybe you should take a photo of your arms every day as a motivation to keep them whole.

[CJ2016 in reply to LoriMS61]

Yeah i thought about that actually lol

[Catrose21]

Hi CJ!

I am so glad you have been doing well, I think it is important for you to acknowledge how well you are doing with the picture if that's what makes you feel better. Stay strong you are doing awesome! Keep us posted on how it's going.

[CJ2016 in reply to Catrose21]

Hey cat, thanks, things are going ok at the moment, cutting aside i have been here a 1000 times before.

Although i am fine atm, in the back of my head i am expecting that mood swing to swing the other way again.

I know it will happen, i have been on an downer(with a few good days between for the last 8/9 months)

But this time it has been 4/5 ok days, not felt sad not felt angry not felt over speedy dont even know if i feel content.

But there is always that wait of not knowing when you wake up or throughout the day if you will be on another downer for s few days weeks or months.

At the moment i wouldnt say it feels like last year where i was just a speedball working oit everyday, waking up early etc, this atm feels different.

[Catrose21 in reply to CJ2016]

Well try and keep a positive mindset about it. You never know this could be the time that is different. You can get through it and it will get better, and you are never in it alone.

[CJ2016 in reply to Catrose21]

I just try and keep busy,keep my mind occupied.

[CJ2016]

Well,i am starting to feel the monkey clawing it's way back, the lingering and urge(to cut) is just swaying back and forth ,and i feel the mood slowly dropping,i was hoping having a busy week of work this week would keep my mind occupied,but don't think it's going to happen. And can just feel the "slow down" creeping.

Don't feel as low as i have over the last couple of months,and was hoping this week(almost a week) of feeling ok,would last,but don't think it will,the familiar feel's are coming back as per usual.

I swear at times these mood swing's make me feel like a frigging teenager,would be much better if it was one or the other,at least then i would know where i stand.