Just feel empty

[MaisyMay2]

I've said before on how my worst depressive episode was not a touch on this one, and how this time round it's so much more and that scares me. I feel like the longer this has gone on, the emptier i'm feeling. I just feel like i have a lack of emotions now, that the only emotion i really have left is just sadness. I don't feel joy in anything i do and i have very little in life to look forward to. The only thing keeping me going is my dog, who is my absolute baby to me and it breaks my heart and the thought of him wondering why his mummy never came home as he waits for me by the gate when i do - and of course my mum who id hate to inflict that sort of pain on, shes lost enough already.

I'm bored, however i never have the effort to do anything about it and then i get frustrated that i don't. I'm always happier once i get back from seeing friends but i don't have many. One of them is working whenever I've got a day off and another i'm just too nervous to do anything as they like to go out for meals which is WAY out of my comfort zone, too much.

Ive still got 3 weeks left at work and it's not any better. I thought once id hand my notice in it'd make it easier knowing I wouldn't be there for much longer but it's just as hard and i still desperately need a break from it. I wake up every morning dreading it, I spend the day there doing nothing so i'm bored out of my mind, and then i go home and dread the next day and repeat. Sometimes i hate how i sound when i type these things, i feel like i need to just get a grip as nothing particularly bad has happened to me to feel this way, i just do.

[Goldfish_]

Look for hope and things you enjoy.

My life is finished now though No way out

[chocolate2017 in reply to Goldfish_]

No ones life has finished! Go for your dreams you have the freedom to do what you want just think of the worst situation see I'm in no work ATM which badly need to fit around my sleep insomnia but I just think there are worse people out there than me xx keep positive

[Goldfish_ in reply to chocolate2017]

I used to be very positive, but so many things have gone wrong, money lost, relationships damaged, close relatives died, nearly killed my wife in a car accident (my fault) and now something even worse.

[chocolate2017 in reply to Goldfish_]

I'm all the same except nearly killing anyone but you got to think what do you want from life ? I've been inspired because I'm 21 and my relative died at such a young age and couldn't make choices and I think at least I get to make choices and still here to achieve something

[MaisyMay2 in reply to Goldfish_]

Oh goldfish, i may not know you but i know for sure your life is not finished - it never is!

You sound like you're experience a really, really tough time with many bad things on your mind. Have you thought of going through each one and rationalising it? My grandad had a crash with his wife before i was born, she was later discovered to have brain tumours and passed away. To this day he still blames himself for causing head trauma that may have triggered the tumours. It breaks my heart because yes he may have crashed but it was not his fault she passed away and no body should ever feel guilt for something like that.

Life is full of ups and downs, and yours is going through a down right now but you will gain control again and you will get better. Take care

[Olderal]

Hello again Maisy, fortunately humans forget pain and that includes the pain of depression. We remember we had pain but can't really recreate it when its passed. This means that every spell of pain or depression tends to feel the worst ever. It may be true this time but it may not because of this.

You are being very courageous in working your time out in this job and I think you will feel better about yourself if you carry on rather than giving in, if you can do it. This will help you after you leave work and to find another job. Do none of the other prisoners at work have any sense of humour at all, or do anything to lighten the mood. Who's running the place Scrooge or Hitler ? Promise yourself one day sick next week. I would n't normally advise this but you've earned one day.

As you're leaving take them all in a doughnut each one day. Even Hitler and Scrooge were anyone's for a doughnut. Ask a friend to meet you for lunch out if possible one day, thats cheap and less stressful than an evening meal out and you can bring them in and show them what being a slave on a rowing galley must have been like.

Remember work hard at keeping up your social contacts and tell your Mum that you are now all chained to your desks and will have to pay to go to work. You'll make her smile at least and sharing a joke is good for you.

I'm old and when your Mum and I were young conditions were terrible. We worked 7 days a week, 15 hours a day for sixpence a week , had no holidays, had to get up before we went to bed, and had only 1 minute for lunch, a dry biscuit. They played a hosepipe on us all the while and woe betide us if the ink ran in our books, but when I tell young people that today they don't believe me.

Webhug (()) Olderal

[MaisyMay2 in reply to Olderal]

Youre most probably right about how we don't remember the pain, i must have been pretty bad for the school to ring my mum up telling her she needs to make me an emergency appointment, where i then got fast tracked for therapy. It's just looking back it didn't seem as, emotionless as i am now.

I'm not considering cutting my notice short as there is no way of doing so! Though if my boss turned round and told me i could go now i wouldn't hesitate! All i want to do is run away from it all, im just afraid and i just want to hide but thats not a choice in the working world! It's not so much the people there, they're just running around like headless chickens all the time as they have so much work to do, no one really has the time to stop and chat. There is no one my age there either, though that is not a problem as i actually get on better with (i don't think they'll appreciate the term older) more mature adults 😂. Ive never took a sick day, and in all honesty i'm a bit frightened to! If it wasnt for the fact i'm job hunting i probably would but they all ask these days how many sick days have you had and i would like to keep the record clean for now.

As much as id love to see my friend the thought makes me feel sick, i just really, really don't feel ready for it. My other friend i have known since i was born since our parents were best friends and we lived next door, so i can easily see her without worrying but shes the one thats working when i'm not which is a shame.

Yes my mum often speaks about how hard it was when she was young! She would juggle 3 jobs and still barely had enough money. Workers rights are definitely better these days but i think it's more my damn mind! You could probably offer me a job in a luxury room doing whatever i please and i would probably still complain of hating it!

[Bert-75]

at least you have friends and a dog I don't have any and probably never will because I am socially awkward und uncomfortable at gatherings , just sitting alone making myself worse , have you tried taking your dog for strenuous walks you might find it could help as I wouldn't wish loneliness on anyone