Just want to feel happy

[Lilywest]

I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. The few friends and family I have don't seem to understand how I'm feeling. I feel like they think I'm jus lazy and have a bad attitude. I spent most of my time on my own because I feel like everyone is bored of seeing me this way. I have no money and have lost two jobs due to my depression. I cry so much, cannot forcus on anything and constantly feel worried I'm going to mess everything up. I have tried cbt and one to one counselling but feel nothing works. I just want to feel like it will get better. Also I've been on so many different meds and after a while feel they don't help and I'm back to square one again. I feel like my life isn't worth living anymore.

[Hidden]

Hi Lilly I am sorry you are feeling so depressed. It's awful isn't it? I think a lot of people don't understand depression. I am sure those who love you want to help but don't know how to. Have you tried to have a one to one talk with a loved one and explaining how you are feeling and how they can help you? Can you print off some info about depression for them? Or get them to have a gander in this site?

I find from my experience that family and most friends don't really understand so I rarely talk to them any more about it. You have found us now so you are not alone any more coz we do know all about it on here.

You don't give much information about yourself - do you feel happy to tell us a bit more? No one on here will judge you and it is a safe environment. We will all support and help you in any way we can. Bev xx

[Photogeek]

Hi Lily and welcome. Going on the info you have given its hard to know what

I can say. Depression is a lonely illness but you can get better.

You really have to stick at either one thing or the other as in Medication

Or Therapy. These things take a while to work,

It's hard for family to understand as they might be too close to you to be objective.

You sound young and you haven't given a lot of information , so I'm wondering

Would you be able to retrain for other job. Being unemployed itself is Depressing,

And you will have to try and make a few changes to enable you to stay working.

Be hopeful as you have come on here, so it's a good sign, we are all well used

To the way Depression can make us feel, but there is lots you can do too.

Hope to get to know you a bit better later on, and take care of yourself

Hannah x

[Golfer15]

Hi Lilly,

You arent alone feeling this way. Im sorry you feel like this but there is plenty of us feeling the same way. You will get lots of empathy and support here.

Im feeling fed up today. I have just been for a walk with my wife and the dog but that hasnt improved my mood. Tried to talk to my wife about how Im feeling today but she doesnt really understand. She means well. I find if people dont feel like this they dont understand. I dont wish this on anybody but I wish more would understand why Im so miserable. I spend time alone too as Im doing so now and listening to music (maybe blues isnt the best type of music today).

Keep in touch and keep going.

David x

[Suzie40]

Hi Lily

I'm sorry that you're feeling as you are just now, but you're in the right place to find people who understand.

I've found myself quick to write off counselling and CBT in the past, but I've realised that sometimes it's the therapist who doesn't work for you, not the actual approach. I saw two different counsellors, neither of whom were able to tap in to my personality. I decided that I was beyond help and started looking at higher doses of antidepressants. It was when I tried CBT a instead that things started to improve for me.

I know it's horrid and there are times in the past where I've not been able see any point in my future. However these feelings don't last forever.

You're not fighting a losing battle Lily. A battle, admittedly, but one you can win with the right help x

[Lilywest]

Thank u everyone for your replies. A few of you wanted to know a bit more about me.

I am 23 years old and have been dealing with depression for as long as I can remember. I first went to a doctor for help at 18 and have been on meds since then. I have seen counsellors for about 3 years and find that I seem to get back on track for a few months and feel better. Then everything seems to crumble one thing at a time. Work, money, social life etc

I am unemployed at the moment and back and forth to the doctors trying to get a specialist to help with my meds. I'm taking 300mg of venlafaxine at the moment.

I had a miscarriage two years ago and I'm still feeling an overwhelming guilt. I know it wasn't my fault, there wasn't anything I did wrong and I'm still young there is penalty of time for children. I just can't seem to get past it. I feel sick when someone I know tells me they are expecting and seeing new borns. I'm always happy for them but at the same time feel sad that it isn't me.

[Hidden]

Hi Lily thank for telling us more about yourself. You say things go along fine for a few months then everything starts to crumble again. Can you pinpoint what starts the crumble? Something someone does or says? Or a combination of things? Do you feel your meds stop working? Is that when you have stopped counselling etc? Or is it just generally that things build up and up to a point where you feel you can no longer cope?

It does sound like you have no one to talk to to help relieve the pressure on you when things start going wrong and also that you have no defence strategies. If you can pinpoint when things start going wrong then maybe you can stop them. It is normal for things to fall apart a bit sometimes - you lose a job or a friend etc. but the secret is to lick your wounds for a while then pick yourself up and carry on one day at a time. The trouble is things become overwhelming and it is very easy to give up - I know and have been there myself many times. But the good news is it does pass as you know and you then start again. Depression makes it much worse doesn't it?

Have you had bereavement counselling for the miscarriage? That might help.

Anyway just some things for you to think about. Hope it has helped a bit.

Bev xx

[Lilywest]

Hi bev, thanks for your reply.

I think things tend to build up? I seem to get on track and manage things fine. Then it's literally one day I will wake and feel like someone has died. I will have panic attacks, feel like I can't leave the house or even talk to someone without turning into a crying mess. I will then feel like this for a while. I push myself not to let it take over my life. So many times I have made myself go out and try to be strong and put the fear to the back of my mind, the second I get to the office or on the bus I can't control my tears and end up turning back. There has been times when I would get to work and be fine, until someone spoke to me, I would just breakdown. I have lost two jobs because of this. Both said I was really wonderful at the job and a lovely person but I needed to get my health issues under control.

With regards to counselling, at the moment I'm not seeing anyone (waiting to see a specialist) but it's kind of a cycle. I see someone they help get back on track, I do well and they are happy with the progress I make then it will finish. After a while randomly The panic attacks, low mood etc starts again. I have no idea why.

I know I am pushing people away. I went a long time before admitting to people what was going on. I feel like people are sick of me cancelling plans or not being the happy fun life of the party they know I can be.

I feel like my meds are not doing me any good. My doctor has spoke about trying yet another different tablet but I'm a like worried about reducing the venlafaxine so I can start a new one. I have tried to reduce it in the past and the side effect had me in a really bad way.

I am glad I found this site, feels good to know people understand me.

Xxx

[Lo62]

Lily I can really empathise with you, try showing your family this U-tube post it helped my family understand or at least try to. Stanford's Sapolsky On Depression in U.S. (Full Lecture) I truly wish you all you wish yourself.