I feel like I don't even know myself. Lost and pathetic

[Whitepetal]

Where do I start? I'm new to this and it's definitely way out of my comfort zone but I have seen a lot of posts that I can completely relate too.

I'm 22, I've had a difficult up bringing I was in a children's home at the age of 6 and have been in and out of care pretty much all my life. I hate talking about this as it's quite pathetic but I'm sure it's a contributing factor to how I have been feeling for as long as I can remember.

I have always known I'm not like everyone else I am not 'normal' but it's been my normal, it's just me. I have mood swings out of my control and it affects the ones closest to me. I cry A LOT which is something my now boyfriend can't deal with and he doesn't understand that sometimes I cry for no reason. And I understand that it must make him feel bad but I just can't help it. I feel pathetic, a nobody and have suicidal thoughts on a regular basis.

I have been on citalipram for just shy of a year now and I have been in touch with an organisation who have arranged a telephone interview to discuss my options of therapy.

I almost feel as though it's too late for me I feel like I'm about to loose it all I have told one person how I feel and I'm too embarrassed to tell my boyfriend as I just know he won't understand and I couldn't think of anything worse than to loose him although I drive him to the point of insanity.

I don't know what normal is anymore I don't know how I feel which makes it all the more difficult to explain.

Sorry it's such a long post I could go on forever I know I'm not alone in feeling like this but it feels like it sometimes.

[Marinaruiz]

I know exactly how you feel, I don't want to tell anyone because I feel like they'll think I'm crazy. Some weeks I'm so happy and positive and then some I'm feeling suicidal. Keep your head up and stay happy☺️ And if your boyfriend loves you he will understand

[Whitepetal in reply to Marinaruiz]

'crazy' or 'phsyco' is a couple of names I've been called without the person even knowing what's going on inside my head so god knows what they'd think if they did know, that's how I feel. But I think your right if the person cares then they should understand even though it must be difficult.

Thank you for reading my post and replying x

[ladeda]

Hi petal, no your not like anyone else, but then nor is anyone else but its kinda nice being unique when you think about it. But you won't do yourself any favours but trying to conform to an idea of what you think you should be like.

I recently read a lovely book by Paul Vincent, he has several web sites that also have some good ideas on them. I like his down to earth approach saying there is NO one solution to combat depression, but there is so much that can help even by one percent, so do enough of them and happiness is so close at hand. This is the same for just about anything we have wrong with us, so depression is no different. At the moment I have an abscess under my tooth, and I am taking as many pills as I can to fight the infection and loads more to combat the pain, but I am also treating myself to every distraction I can think of, so what I should normally be doing, like turning up for work can wait! I'm even looking forward to seeing my dentists tomorrow, and I can't say I have ever done that before, I guess it's just a little more faith that he is going to help along side all the other meds until I can return to wanting and enjoying being awake instead of constantly fixation on my swollen face.

I have to constantly remind myself only I am responsible for making me happy, some times it can be harder than others and sometimes I have no idea what suddenly caused me to feel so down praying for life to soon be over and all i can say is what helps me is just accepting feelings like this happen and as long as I don't give all my attention to them I find I can move away and focus on what or how I would like to be instead.

My heart goes out to you begin much younger than I, as there seems to be so many more stressors about putting pressure on how we are supposed to live, what is the ideal upbringing what we are supposed to have to be happy, so our external world can be very confusing and anything but welcoming.

But inside you there are so many great achievements that are sometimes all too often disregarded as if everyone could have done better? No they couldn't, all the things you have done are wonderful and they make you an exceptional unique person that has the potential to live a very happy and contented life. Don't ever be afraid to take help from lots of different people, it may only help that one percent, but those little bits will truly help you find your way as long as you keep trying.

Lots of cyber hugs to you hun, you can do this so one day you can look back and smile at yet another challenge you have battled to overcome. Xxx

[Whitepetal in reply to ladeda]

Yes even posting on here which isn't something I've done before has helped me in a strange way.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply. It's nice to be heard X

[Atlas]

I invite you to 'go on forever' because I understand you, I really do, we could chat for all eternity about the real us.

I'm 21 and I have spent many years feeling alien to society, I don't drink and I don't smoke, of which I am constantly reminded that I am 'boring' for not endulging in this disgusting diseased obsession of drinking so much you vomit and pass out. I have long hair as a male, children often stare at me and say to their parents "that boy looks like a girl", whenever I enter social converstation my face goes bright red. I see instantly that people wonder why my face is going red 'Is he embarrassed? Is he uncomfortable?', all of this just makes me feel worse...

I feel there is this gentle soul inside my body, a person who just wants to make people feel happy, a person who willingly compliments and just gives someone a hug when they need it but instead they are held captive by my cold robotic exterior... I give off the impression of someone who does not care about anyone other than himself, which is completely untrue... I fantasize about being there for people when they need it the most.

In the harsh reality I am a person who even thinks about expressing their true self I start crying, it is like my body has a defence mechanism to stop me from expressing affection. My girlfriend does not understand why I get so stressed out or upset all of the time, she does not understand my mind I do not blame her because I cannot put my feelings into words, my mind becomes spaghetti, thousands of thoughts or feelings in a mess...

I have self diagnosed myself as depressed since the age of 13 when I decided it would be best to end my life at the age of 23 and the thought of the release from the shell I am confined to made me happy. I have gotten into a relationship, 6 years now, I do not expect me to go along with my original plan because I cannot bear to think of the affect it would have on my loved one.

I have never been to the doctors about this because like I mentioned earlier, whenever I even think of mentioning my feelings I cry and my mind turns into spaghetti...

Please do not think it is too late, I understand you, we share the same misfortune. What gets me through the day is the thought of working to give someone else a better life (in my case it would be my girlfriend)

[Olderal]

Hello Whitepetal, you sound young. Just keep hanging in there. It takes time for the medics to find the right or best treatment for you and time usually works magic and you'll get better and better at coping with depression.

Try and read more about depression as for most people it helps to understand it more although even the medics don't understand quite a a lot about it. Therapy will help too.

Try not to think too much about how you feel. There is no real normal for anyone when they have depression. Just regard how you feel as normal for you ,with depression and hang in there. The depression will end I assure you and if it eventually returns ,as it does for many, each time you'll be better at dealing with it. Sometimes you'll get fed up with dealing with it but thats true of any illness.

It will pay to go back to your GP and tell them the Citalopram has n't worked that well and they' ll probably find something that works better for you.

I hope the person you've told is some support to you and don't worry about it being too late. You won't lose it all and even at 70+ they are still improving my treatment so its never too late.

The thought of suicide crosses most people's minds when things go wrong, and there's no one who lives life without things going wrong sometimes.

Try not to bet everything on one thing, like a boyfriend ,or a job. You can bet a lot but not everything. People and circumstances change sometimes, causing a lot of pain, but always time is magic and good times come again.

Olderal