Hi Everyone. My first post. Thought it might help putting my feelings down in writing on a community where people can relate. I've had depression on and off over the years but it's been creeping in the last few months and over the last couple of weeks I've been at my upmost worst. There is nothing specific or major going on to make me feel so sad and that's my worry. I'm 36, sociable, have lots of friends and a great family. I am single which I think affects me being down but I don't want to be in a relationship for the sake of it. At this stage, if i'm with someone, they have to be right.
I cry at least a few of hours a day , find it hard to breathe and feel like there's a dark cloud over me that i can't shake off. I've been at home with my parents over xmas and trying to hide it as they won't understand. It's hard as i literally have to fight back tears when I hang out with them so I've been in my room. I relate to you because party of my depression is also guilt. I feel so guilty for being so down with all the terrible things happening in the world but i can't stop myself. My biggest anxiety is fear that my parents are going to die. There have been so many public deaths and I know people who've lost family so I wake up with heart palpitations and worry every time my parents leave the house or don't answer the phone. I've seen my GP and I'm on a waiting list to see a therapist. I'm making sure I go out for a walk everyday and I'm being as sociable as I can as soon as I feel a bit better (even offering advice to my friends about their problems) Nothing is working. I want the pain to go away. I'd really prefer not to take anti-depressants, they didn't work for me the last time so I was wondering if anyone has any other suggestions while I wait to see a therapist? If I had the funds, I'd book one tomorrow. I had to call the Samaritans the other day to calm me down from a panic attack. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you