On-going depression / anxiety for several years

[Toneage]

Hello everyone,

I am very new to online side of speaking about my depression and anxiety so I am going to just give you my full story from start to now on my progression with the two and see if anyone has any advise or had similar issues as I don't have anyone I know who fully understands or who can relate in the way it affects me on a day to day basis.

I've had anxiety issues always and have found it hard to communicate with people from school, college, university and now at work. I've been a recluse most my life since being bullied when I was a young child and then I never went out the house unless it was for school so I didn't do too much interaction with others apart from my parents and siblings.

I began to get depressed around 5-6 years ago at the age of 18 when I first began going to university, from around 2-3 months into university I was having a lot of difficulty with time management, relationship issues and not having much self worth. I went out and looked for assistance from my GP & university, I got 4 sessions of counselling from the university and tablets from the GP but neither helped and I felt awkward talking about my problems as I am a very closed person and never speak about my problems to anyone.

After the first year of this I began to heavily drink each day and this lasted for 6 months until I forced myself to stop as it wasn't helping me but making it worse. Since then I left university in my third year due to severe depression, not wanting to get out of bed, no self worth, hating myself and overall a grey cloud over my head. When leaving I had more depression as I was being told I would be forced to pay several thousand pounds back due to leaving which was never the case but made it crippling at the time as the university didn't want people leaving.

After leaving I found a job in the field I love and all seemed great, my depression and anxiety was still present but I was able to put it on a shelf and put a fake smile on as I worked hard. I got a stronger dose of the tablets I was given but didn't seem to help me and began to put a little weight on and went from 10 stone to 16 which made me feel worse.

I've since started a new job after nearly two years at my old one and no progression to where I wish to be and began to go to the gym each week and losing over 25KG's since starting in January but I haven't had any luck with how I feel.

At work and at home I am a bit of a loner, I talk to people if they interaction first and keep it minimum as I find it hard, I don't make much eye contact, I just look around the room as I feel very awkward and not comfy in talking to people face to face, I feel my manager is supporting me as much as she can in terms of asking how I am doing and interacting with me but I am unsure on where to go from here. I've booked an appointment to see my GP again regarding starting full counselling and look into the tablets I was taking as I came off them after a while due to not helping me.

I've also noticed I have really bad panic attacks / worries most days, I had odd and bad thoughts ever since I can remember of people hating me, worries of my parents dying as they're very old and feeling I haven't done as much in life as I feel I should of and that makes me feel as if I am a let down to myself and others.

I have some friends I talk to at work when we see one another but I am a recluse most times outside of work & rarely talk to anyone. I also don't keep in contact with friends due to how I feel and they generally drift away as we go months to years with no communication as I can't make the effort to do so.

Sorry for all the random information about me and my issues. Just not sure what else to note, does anyone have any similar issues / know the best course of action for them? I know each person and each persons depression is different.

[Lx91]

Hi.

I can relate to alot of what you are saying and feeling. I also find it hard to interact with people and make the effort to create strong friendships. All I can advise is to go back to your doctors, there are lots and lots of different tablets to take so just because those didn't help you doesn't mean something else won't. Also try to get some counselling but explain it needs to be for longer as you are not good at expressing yourself, I also have this problem...it has taken about 6 months to build up my relationship with my CPN to a level where I feel comfortable and trust her with my thoughts, perervere and be patient...they understand and will be there when you are ready. Do you have a reason to believe people hate you, has something happened in your past to make you feel this way, any abandonment issues? I know you said you were bullied...

L x

[Toneage in reply to Lx91]

Hello Lx91, really appreciate the reply.

Well I am adopted since I was 6 months old, two siblings who are by birth also adopted and found out when I was 7-8 years old by a random lady at my school which wasn't ideal.

I will surely speak to my doctor regarding this and you are right, I believe longer is better as It's hard to open to people for myself.

Bullying wasn't too bad but made me not want to go outside so I always stayed in and just played video games which I preferred as I wasn't much for socialization unless it was in the school yard or something initiated it first as I never know what to say / feel very awkward regarding any conversation.

[Lx91 in reply to Toneage]

Oh wow. That is not a nice way to find out and I'm sure your adoptive parents would rather have told you themselves in their own way. I just wonder if your problems lead back to all those years ago, it must have been hard then to go through bullying aswell. Sounds like you had alot going on when you were young. Being able to speak about all this through counselling will probably be a much better way to help with your feelings than medication but medicatioj could help in the mean time...

L x

[nessie71]

Hi Tonage so sorry to hear that you are not feeling yourself. Like Lx91 said it was not a nice way to find out that you were adopted. I agree that maybe your problems lead back to your childhood. I myself was bullied badly at school and I kept this to myself as I thought nobody would listen to me. Having counselling would help you a lot I think and maybe some different medication these in combination maybe of great help to you. With depression anxiety etc is a lot of trial and error to find the right combination to suit you personally. Do please see your GP and try to be open and honest about whats going on and how you are feeling as if you don't you may not be getting the right treatment for you. It is often said the first step is always the hardest but with the right help you can accomplish what you want and desire. I hope this is of some help to you. Take care and everyone on here would be more than happy to have a chat and share experiences.

[poppet36]

Hi....you could almost of wrote that for me. Ive recently stopped my meds as they was not working for me and im trying herbal. I wish i could give you the answer i really do but if i new how to get rid of it i wouldnt be on here. Xx