23 years old. Depression/Anxiety.

[Kainan]

Hi. I'm new to this site. I just want to get this off my chest.

I don't even know what to do anymore. I battled depression and anxiety on and off for the past 6 years and once again I managed to screw things up and drive my life straight down into the ground. Things were going well for some time this year and then suddenly the anxiety attacks came back and set the stage up for depression. For months now my mind feels like it's clouded under a thick mire. I have no energy or passion to do anything. When I get up from the poor sleep I'm lucky enough to have, I feel like the day is ruined. My mind just suddenly goes blank and I don't know what to do about anything anymore. At times my heart speeds up and then slows down for several seconds and I bet it's due to the months of living a sedentary lifestyle. I used to lift weights, run, and take classes at the gym, but I lost interest and stopped going. This year I took another medical leave from school (my 6th) and I left my job again. I can't even keep a job for more than a year. It just frustrates me to no end that I'm hitting the same stack of bricks year after year and not moving forward. I'm so far away from graduating that I feel like it's never going to happen.

I take 60mg Cymbalta daily. I tried the sleep pills; they just knock me out for 12 hours and make me feel drowsy. I tried CBT many times with different therapists. One therapist even took me out for months to do exposure therapy and force me to talk to strangers to help me rid my social anxiety and it worked! But (surprise) it's back again and I'm afraid to leave the house and I'm back to avoiding people. I just don't know anymore; I put in the time and work hard year after year but I feel so unsatisfied with life and without passion.

I live with the most wonderful, caring, loving parents in the world. They do everything for me, starting from raising me up as a child with a physical disability. They do so much for me, that sometimes I have to push them back a little. For the last few years, my goal has always been to become more independent and maybe find a place of my own. I don't know how much longer I can go on seeing my mom come home every day from work exhausted and seeing me in such a foul mood. I don't want them to lose any more sleep worrying about my troubles.

Thanks for reading.

[Hidden]

Hi you need to seek professional help, isn't there a counsellor at your school you can talk to? If not you need to see a doctor as you need a proper diagnosis. Meds and/or counselling should be able to help. Obviously CBT isn't helping you so ask for another type of counselling. x

[Kainan in reply to Hidden]

Hi. I was seeing a therapist outside of school. But we recently ended our relationship because she felt like she couldn't help me, so I need to find someone else. When I'm cleared to go back to school I'll check out what they have to offer in terms of therapy

[Hidden]

Talk to your GP, you need to find an outlook for your fears. He will arrange a further course of CBT or some other course of treatment

BOB

[Kainan in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Bob. I already made an appointment with a psychiatrist for this week and hopefully we'll figure something out

[Kainan in reply to Hidden]

Social anxiety is a big problem for me. When I have to talk to people, or even people I know, I never have anything to say. So at times I resort to asking them questions like,"what do you think?" or "what do you want to do?"...which is saying to them that I don't matter and my opinions don't matter. Why do I shove myself aside like this? Have I not done my homework and planned ahead of time? Or am I such a boring person that I don't have anything to say? I don't know these are just thoughts

And when that happens then I feel disconnected with everyone and I start to withdraw. And that reinforces my bad cycle of avoidance

I don't have a single friend around me right now. My previous buddies all left and I'm still here. Never had a girlfriend (big surprise huh?)

[Hidden]

When starting a conversation or being introduced to someone never make it like twenty questions, that can be too intense. If you are at a party discuss the why the party has been arranged and who the person is, tell them who you are and talk about the host. Keep the conversation light you do not need to know everything about the person straight away, allow the conversation to proceed naturally do not be in to much of a hurry

BOB

[Kainan in reply to Hidden]

hey thank you for the advice. I really appreciate it. You got my point right away. I try not to make it like 20 questions because I know it sort of takes on the structure of an interview and, you're right it's too much. For some reason I get the pressure to say something (usu. ask questions) to avoid that "awkward" silence. I should just take it easy and naturally let the conversation to flow from one thing to another. Thanks for the tips