Depressed fed up.

[Kestrel21]

Hi I'm 50 yrs old I have depression and GAD. Feel so unloved. Not had much of a loving upbringing no physical hugs or emotion. My marriage is again non physical or loving. I feel so unloved and I can't seem to do anything right. Feel so low. I cry at the slightest thing.

[jennyjolly]

Strange how we attract more of the same until it clicks we're married to our parents

Maybe in a strange way feels safe as what we've always known

Maybe to make our parents love us in the way they should have or resolve other childhood issues/change the outcome

Could you and your husband have counselling?

Could you have an amicable parting of the ways so you could meet someone more loving?

Not surprised you feel so low and upset

Send you love and best wishes for a happier future Xxx

[Kestrel21 in reply to jennyjolly]

Yes you are probably right about trying to fill a void in my life but I feel trapped. We don't talk anymore he sits there with his earplugs in listening to music. I can't approach the subject of counselling he gets annoyed or he gets embarrassed about other people knowing there's a problem.

[Hidden]

Talk to your GP if you have not done so about your feelings, you really need to talk things out by some CBT, as you need to come to terms with your past problems.

All I will say here is I went through bad times throughout my life and now I am past my mid sixties. Get the help you need before you get older as you really need to come to terms with all your base feelings, before you get any older and when you do that you will move on for your later years

B.

[Kestrel21 in reply to Hidden]

I have always been a positive person and find the best in situations but my husband is always negative e.g. Victor meldrew. Constantly brings me down I can't remember the last time i laughed.

[Lizbett in reply to Kestrel21]

Time to deal with things before they get worse. If your husband won't go to counselling, YOU MUST go alone then.

Set some new boundaries: sit and talk at the dinner table: NO TELLY, OR OTHER ELECTRONICS ALLOWED. Tell him how you're feeling. If he won't listen then write it down for him to read. Pour your heart out so that he know. Then make a list/contract of changes you'd both like to see. Sign it and date it.

Best wishes!

[Hidden in reply to Kestrel21]

You need to set down some rules and He need to treat you like anyone who He would normally meet.

It upsets me when people I know treat my condition as a weakness and treat accordingly. You need to garnish your condition and expect those who know you to treat with respect.

You also need to stop being the victim as you may be reinforcing their attitudes , that needs to stop.

To gain a laugh it may be you who will need to introduce this to any conversations you may have.

Look for ways that will change your life in a positive direction, When depressed we seem to cause most of the problems by our illnesses. Instead of that, blue sky thoughts can help and you need to follow your dream even if you remain married. Look for life interests and try and try and bring your husband into your ideas although if this is not possible make your own interests and chase them on your own

B.

[st95 in reply to Kestrel21]

I had a husband where I allowed him to do this to me. I did not realise. But now I am not with him I realise I am better off.

Someone who brings me down for me just makes me realise that this can take your confidence and your inspiration for life.

Ste95

[Kestrel21]

Thank you I will try that one writing it down.

[Lizbett in reply to Kestrel21]

You're most welcome. He needs to listen with his heart which translates to taking active action to facilitate positive change that will benefit the both of you. After all, you're a couple. Life is too short to be miserable day in and day out.

Best wishes x

[Amy-Grace]

Hello. I too had a similar upbringing with a bit of cruelty and insensitivity thrown in. It marked me. I'm now almost 60 and still long for Mother love. She died suddenly when I was 14 yrs old in an avoidable way. I saw her pass. My family were odd. By age ten I'd been emotionally shut out. Family secrets abound and being the youngest by over a decade I'll never know the truth. ALL THAT, just to show you I understand where you're at. Yes, as Lizbett said, write down everything. Give him bits to read at a time, otherwise he may read just a paragraph and quit. I suffer PTSD due to my upbringing plus repeated attempts to find love, sometimes in questionable places. This led to abuse and rape. Also being shunned by a strict religion in which I attracted further abuse. Just as you say, I was also a positive person.

My advice is : find a counsellor through your GO. If you don't click with the counsellor ask for another. Also, join a group of people where you can safely share your deepest fears. Then, join a group of people with a kindly objective (for me this is a group of authentic, loving Christians. For you it may be an humanitarian group). Watch upbuilding TV (I love stories about people living in communities in the frontier- and Amish & Mennonite communities). Read books that are about happy lives similar to the TV you find makes you feel centred. Also, start your own little routine habits that give you joy. It could be as simple as a chair in a sunny spot where you drink your favourite tea from a pretty China cup and watch the birds. Or a walk you enjoy, but do it daily. I can't stress how much prayer has brought the most unexpected beautiful people into my life. It's like a magnet for joyful happenings If you need more help, just contact. I'm totally in tune with your experiences just that now I'm in a place where I feel safe in my heart and soul. And it feels SO GOOD. But I still go through very dark, bleak and scary times. I just know how to find that secure place now, that's all. Hugs dear.

[Sky58]

I can so understand how you feel. Not sure I can offer much advice. I am 57 and lost my mum at 13. Ever since I have longed for some nurturing. I have very low self esteem and was very ill a few years ago which meant I lost my job. PhysicLly I am fine but am in mental anguish. I have 2 sons ,on every of whom is totally lacing in empathy and has a disabled equally "aspergers" girlfriend. So no Mother's Day flowers etc!

I can't sleep and everyday my husband quizes me whether I M ok if I am honest he gets angry and sYs he cannot deal with my depression . He says it has blighted our marriage . If I say fine he accuses me of lying

I feel I cannot go on but feel totally trapped as I have no income of my own.

I have had 3 sessions with a counsellor on the NHS . I am allowed 6 but the guy is young and I feel no connection. Tried to explain this to my husband who just gets angry as he wants mAgiic cure

I dread each day and have considered suicide but lack the courage

I have tried mindfulness joining clubs and voluntary work . I just feel so low. Christmas is coming and I am expected to entertain shop etc but M dreading it

Sorry to ramble but I just need to get this off my chest S there is no one to talk to

[Rick1on1]

Hi Kestrel and Sky,

I might be wrong here but in my experience it was the only way to move forward in a positive way.

Depression for me is like a dark-murky-dense lake that I can float in and not have to face anything. It's comforting in a way because it can be used as a shield to cover and hide me.

For several years I have tried to make a relationship work with me ex. I must admit that I had a big role in ruining it in the first place. After the divorce, we were apart for 3 years and this was my darkest period. As I healed I wanted the old relationship back but she never forgave me, even though she said she had.

It was only recently that I realised that what we had was over and cannot be resurrected. Everytime over the last couple of years when we tried to be together there was that initial surge in happiness but when we broke up, my healing went back to square 1. I had to realise and accept the fact that she and our relationship was a trigger for my depression.

Thus, the only way to go forward was to stop the relationship and although I am nowhere close to being well, I feel better every day. I can focus a bit better at work, exercise a bit more, get more chores done etc.

So, it may be time to make a clean sweep and get rid of everything that causes the pain.

Sorry if this may seem brutal and of course each person's situation is different but it may help some of us to move forward if we start with a clean slate.

[Hidden]

Hi kestrel

I feel the same kestre l and it's hard, I feel like whatever I do it it will hurt someone or something if I try to put something right it just makes it worse so I stop trying and I don't go out in fact the only time I will go out is to appointments only my daughter does all my shopping and pays my bills for me, I don't know if your at this stage yet but if your not then you need to stop this from happening it so easy to get set in your ways because we're always trying to find way to cope without putting ourselves in situations that make us feel like an outcast and don't belong. Depression is a killer if you let it be it will my your life as you see it dark instead of bright, you'll start to look at people in a different way where once they were friends now there just another reason not to open the door as for feeling low well I don't think I can remember ever being happy it's like i've never known anything else in my life.

I know that when my daughter's were born it was the best days of my life and i just have been filled with pride and joy and in my mind i can picture this and I see the happiness but i dont feel this its now just a picture in my mind of me smiling with my daughter in my arms at the time of the picture I must have felt the warmth and joy only a child could bring and I love my daughters more than life itself i dont feel anything please don't get me wrong if my daughter's hurt then I hurt to yet when they're happy and getting on with life i dont feel anything really.

I find it really hard to talk to people face to face i always feel like there better than me and deserve more out of life than I do because they put more into it but have they i dont really know weather they have or not its just how I feel when I'm around people.

You need to grab your husband and shake him tell him straight how you feel what you need and you want out of the right of your life it maybe he's just set in his ways and doesn't know how to change it he needs to follow your lead and you need to take it i dont now if any of this helps you but thank you cos I feel a little better just writing it down. P.S. I'm sorry it's so long its just hard to explain. Jane.

[Kestrel21]

Well off to the GP this morning, to ask for help. Just feel in a hole and underwater. If that make sense.