One year on and I still have not moved on

[aj36]

It has been a year since I went through the painful separation and I still have not managed to move on. I think being cheated on is the most cruel thing a partner can do to abuse the trust between a couple. To be so loving to more than one person at the same time, how scheming can a person be?

Being cheated on has now make me question my judgement of people's characters, constantly second guessing their intentions, destroyed my self-esteem, and makes me wonder whatever interaction I have with people is real or not.

I feel unloved and can't think of a reason for anybody to love me anymore and I don't know what to do. It doesn't help that I've closed myself from the world, hiding in my room all the time. I lost my job and my parents don't know what to do about me except look at me with despair or, pretend I don't exist, as if the problem (me) would just go away if they ignore me.

I really don't see the point of living.

[Hidden]

Hello AJ

To be honest, if a person cheats, you are better of finding out know than waiting, getting married and finding your Partner is a real creep and is playing the field, especially if there are children and you become a single parent family.

When it comes to Work they say that young men and women will change or be fired from their work ten times up into their thirties so if that is so look on the principle another position may appear eventually that will pay a better rate for experience and age. They say there is now no job for life now so you will need to sell yourself and you are not alone when you are looking for that golden position that you will feel comfortable in.

No-one here knows how old you are. All I can say we all feel down in the dumps when we lose that supposed perfect partner, or the creep you went out with above.

We all eventually find that person who is near perfect for our needs, the waiting is all part of life and believe me when I say you are eventually bound to find that right person. Life is never fair we just have to remember life is generally moving on, we learn through life as we go.

If you are so low talk to your GP, especially if you are so slow to hurt yourself, believe me that pathway is not worth taking, Me I have tried to take that road. Thfank goodness I failed

BOB

[aj36 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for replying. I'll be 36 this year and it's been hard to accept that I'm in my 30s and haven't accomplished anything except being alive.

I do know and understand all that you have said, and I'm really trying to move on, be strong and be happy but it's really hard when I am unable to control my negative thoughts of self-worthlessness and not worthy to be loved and that's the reason why my ex stopped loving me, or if he ever loved me at all..sorry for unloading this on you and thanks for reading this far.

[Hidden in reply to aj36]

All I can suggest is that you now visit your GP as your condition seems to be related to depression. Life dictates that we all try and move on, this can be a hard thing to do and I feel for that loss you have suffered.

I suffered something very much the same when I was young and I stopped dating for an extended period

Some CBT may be something to benefit your condition, there are also medications you will be able to take.

I know nothing other than what you mentioned in your post. If you need to chat further I am generally knocking around here

Good Luck

BOB

[aj36 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks BOB, I'll see if there are some CBTs to try.

[Edg43]

Hi AJ.

I have been registered here for a number of months now but haven't posted anything until now. I think I just find a little comfort from reading other people's accounts. It makes me feel less lonely somehow.

I'm replying here as my own experience sounds the same in every way. I am nearly 2 years down the line now after my wife of 13 years had an extra-marital affair that went on for some time before I found out. I am over that stuff emotionally, and the divorce will be signed in the next few weeks I think.

I too am really struggling to find any purpose in anything. I live for nothing other than my two sons. When I'm not with them I want to stay in bed. The absence of any self worth is the real killer, as you describe.

I agree with borderriever. You have to find positivity in something to slowly take baby steps out of this depression, starting with a job. I haven't lost a job yet, but I'm not performing where a I am and a lot of the time I hope they sack me so I can be alone. I miss intimacy a lot, but feel too worthless to put myself out there again. Why would anyone want to expose themselves to my crap.

Although my reaction to what my wife did was of devastation, mental breakdown, then anger, and she knew she was wrong, the longer term affect on my health has been very damaging. I come across as a great bloke, I look after myself with diet and exercise, but my emotional baggage is not something I want to give anyone. And I have no energy to pretend and smile and just have fun.

The Doc has been great, but all he can do/has done is prescribe an increased dose of anti-depressants, and allow time to pass, and say to take time to help myself and do the things I always loved. Even riding my bike or going to the gym isn't fun any more. I am going through the motions like an emotionless robot. I hate it. Depression has a horrible way of stopping any surges of optimism in their tracks. This episode has really brought me a fear of failure now in life, but I have no urge to be productive. It's paralysing.

I think I know what you need to do AJ - look deep within. Go easy on yourself. This experience only happened a short time ago. No wonder you are suffering. It feels like the pain will never go away as it's happening right now. I look back at my self pre-depression as an optimist, and this sometimes comes to the fore for fleeting moments. It feels joyous. With deep lows comes a perspective, so even brief sparks of mental relief feel amazing. I don't know where they come from, other than to echo again what borderriever said - life as a human instinctively gives us a want to make things better. From my viewpoint, I had 42 good years, I've had two crap ones, and I've got 42 (ish!!) good years ahead. Doesn't sound too bad a life!

Take little steps forward starting with looking for a job that will slowly re-build some confidence. Even if the next job is not for you ultimately, just being around new people who know nothing about you might be the thing you need even though you feel the complete opposite. It's incredibly tough though. I'm writing this having just phoned in sick today as I couldn't face the day. Stupid.

Only you can sort this. Only I can sort me. There is no magic solution in a bottle. Maybe sharing stuff on here is a way to help each other. This community is a warm place of support. Take care.

[aj36 in reply to Edg43]

Hi Edg, I'm glad you shared your story with me. Definitely made me feel less alone.

You are coping much better than I am considering what you've been through. At least you're still holding down a job and is strong enough to put on a positive facade to others. That takes courage and a lot of willpower. I haven't been able to do that yet. I agree that getting a job would be a great way to give me some confidence if not for the fact that I'm struggling to even talk to recruiters let alone work...but you're right, only I can help myself. I know I must go out there and do the things I must do to get better. I just have to do it. I...have to wait for a big dose of courage to come along so I can take the plunge. Or be physically dragged. Whichever comes first.

P/s: Don't be too hard on yourself. Everyone takes a sickie esp when the day is too glorious to be cooped up in the office

[loggerslot]

Hi there,

Sorry to hear about your situation. you have to understand that there are good people and bad in this world. you can't escape them and no one else can. people are good in one way and crooked in another way but to them its ok, it's all about perspective/opinions, as we all live in our own world where everything is right. its sad but it's the way the world is and we can't do anything to change it to be good. popes and guru's and prophets have come and gone but world still hasn't changed.

What you need to do is be strong and take this as life's learning step, don't beat yourself up over it, its not worth it. life seems cruel when these things happen but keep your head strong and learn from it and move on. occupy your time with things to do to practice that step to move forward and try to forget what has happened and make efforts to get back into work, as being on your own is not good for your sanity. If your parents don't seem to care then don't hold that against you,

If your cheated partner has moved on then wish him well in whatever he hopes to achieve and don't you look back on him, let him go and look to the future. next time, you know from your life experience how to find a trustworthy partner and be trusted friends until it becomes something serious.

[aj36 in reply to loggerslot]

Hi loggerslot,

Thank you for your advice. The thing is, I do get everything you have said. They are much harder in practice though. However, I know I have to try because there is no other way.

[Hidden]

One of the things I did was include learning to dance and I also joined a Singles Club when I was ready to move on, the latter had nights out for their mixed members and it seemed to bring out and stifle the negativity. Most members would just go for the mixed company and it seemed to work for many even though they did not date from the group. I do not know if that still happens like that.

What it did for me was to make new friends and contacts. There are many girls and men who have suffered like minded problems and failed relationships.

All I can say, when ready it may be a way to get out of failed friendships after a break up when we lose those so called friends

BOB

[Firehalo]

Hi guys,

My post is mainly to aj and edg and what you say are your feelings of worthlessness.

I just wanted to give you an alternative persepective and I hope this helps. First off I don't buy into this myth that there are bad and good people full stop, I think our life is truelly an amazing gift no matter how you believe how we got here. I think we are all immensely intelligent and interesting human beings and actually going through some heartbreak in life can be very transformative in a positive way of you allow it to be but you need to also allow yourself to feel unhappy to really understand why you got to a certain point. I think as human beings we choose to be bad or good with each action we take and the only real way to know if what you're doing isn't hurtful to someone else it to try and be aware of yourself as much as possible.

As an example, cheating on a partner and betraying trust is hands down a selfish act, I dislike selfish people and would not consider myself to be a selfish person but because I didn't always take responsibility for my emotions and feelings and didn't understand how much impact I had on other people I have fallen prey to this myself. Cheating in essence is actually much more about the person who is doing the cheating feeling worthless, how ironic that by feeling worthless someone may cheat and then in turn make the other feel worthless, like with most actions done out of unawareness or emotional responses they often multiply the problem and make others feel bad in the process. 

In my case my partner and I have had a long relationship, we were separated by distance (I started a new job in a new country alone) and it was difficult, I naively thought our relationship could withstand all and ofcourse after being away for a year and with only two months until I returned home both of us ended up straying momentarily. I think we quite possibly shouldn't still be together but this is easier said than done I realised once I was in the situation and could see it from both angles. For me it snuck up on me and I wasn't even aware that feelings were developing for another person, but during that whole brief time it lasted I still felt loyal to my partner, strange as that may sound. It is possible to love more than one person at once. I never loved my partner any less, as I'm sure your partners never loved you any less but they were obviously unhappy about something in themselves and had not taken the time to look at it understand where and what it was coming from and how it was manifesting in their lives.

After this whole ordeal happened, I would say my partner and I are still not where we should be in terms of being honest with ourselves but for me atleast it really caused me to look long and hard at myself. I had to come to terms with something that I thought was never any part of my character yet here it was, I have always despised people that cheat on another person I never thought I was capable of it and I also never thought I'd be capable of staying with someone who did the same to me. It took me a long time to understand where I went wrong, how I allowed myself to be unhappy (infact we both must have been) to the point where I felt like this was somehow acceptable. I realised that I put my own happiness so low down on my agenda that I ended up betraying my own character and I think it was probably the same for my partner. I have always regarded myself as an honest, loving and caring person with integrity yet this did not manifest itself in those brief two weeks. 

The truth is relationships can often have many hidden issues at play, and often we tell ourselves we are happy and push things aside, for me it was a lack of commitment, I was ready to commit years before he was, but I waited and the fact that he wasn't played on my psyche, I viewed it as an attack on my self worth, yet I wish I had had the clarity to either fully leave the relationship at that time or accept it fully for what it was but I didn't and we both carried on. I told myself that I could handle it but obviously I couldn't. If I had been truelly honest with myself we would have parted before I left the country and neither one of us would have put the other through the pain we did. 

In hindsight it all seems so simple but in reality it never is. What my real point here in sharing this with you is that, I never cared any less about my partner, I know this for a fact, I actually wanted him to give me more than he was willing to (so this could have been at play in your instances). I hope that in understanding that the person who does the cheating has lost their self worth (or perhaps never had any to begin with) can help you gain some of yours back. Also though to uhderstand this is not your problem, the only person who can give you self worth is yourself obviously. Life is full of people who have not yet learnt how to take responsibility for their own actions (even if they appear to be fully functioning adults), their feelings and how much they may rely on another for their self worth. This is probably the most valuable thing we can learn in the first steps to truelly being happy. Once you are aware of yourself, your feelings, your internal monologue and how much you may rely on another for feelings of validation you can begin to change this thought pattern. It isn't easy, it requires total brutal honesty and often this can lead to this place of feeling like life is worthless. 

I would not say I am happy yet, and I too feel like life is worthless yet in my chore being I know this not to be true. Life is an adventure that sometimes means you get hurt, for me the most important thing to do in life is to be as aware of yourself as you can be, understand who you are as a person what you feel you need from others and then try be that person to yourself, this way you are less likely to hurt others and get hurt yourself. I also want to clarify that I don't believe life is worthless but I do believe the way our current life and society operates can really bring on depression and feelings of worthlessness if you allow it, I actually I think when you see what goes on around us that it is normal to feel depressed, and that if you didn't you wouldn't be human. I hope that as speaking as someone that has experienced both sides this can help you.

I also would not worry about giving someone what you class as "emotional baggage" we are all humans and have all been through things in life. I believe what you both have gone through will actually make you desirable to those who value life from the sheer fact that you know how it feels to be hurt and are not likely to want to put this pain on another being. It makes you careful adults and theoretically more able to participate in healthy relationships in the future. The only thing I would say is simply learn about yourself, take the time to nurture who you are and don't feel like you need to ascribe to anything society tells you, get out in nature, I find this is one of the most valuable assets we have. Our earth is beautiful, I often read things about the universe, I am a creative person so I enjoy photography, making music, listening to things that will soothe my being. I have come to realise the main point of my feelings of depression are only from other human beings, but that being said it is the way I allow them to effect me, so I try to understand this and take my mind elsewhere, it is a slow process and I am always learning and this is what I hope we all can do. 

Try something creative, even something as simple as an adult colouring book, I feel this form of expression is often lost as we grow up if you are not working in a creative field you probably haven't touched a crayon or some paint beyond high school. Whenever I feel worthless now, I look at the sky, look at some beautiful photography and remember how valuable it really is. I think once we know and accept that life is valuable regardless of how me may be feeling internally slowly but surely the perspective shifts. I would also say allow yourself time, understand your feelings and why you feel this way, be honest with yourself, identify the true feelings of your unhappiness and once you have done this start to change.

I think the other biggest thing to give yourself value is to treat others with value, or even try some charity volunteering work, maybe one hour a week. Sometimes I think the best way to help ourselves is to help others, maybe this is what a lot of us are missing in life. And finally as hard as it may seem be grateful for the various positive things you do have. We are not always meant to be these happy entities, it is okay to feel sad and to have ups and downs, this is normal. Personally myself I have always been a very caring and emotional person, I cry once a day atleast, this is normal for me, even when I am in a truelly happy state. I have always allowed myself the space to be sad, then after some time it slowly lifts. As cliche as it sounds, you do need to learn to love yourself before you are able to give love to others fully. Also allow yourself to fully be you, I for one would much rather be around a real, honest and aware human being even if that means they are not always happy. You can still be kind if you are depressed, and I would choose to spend time with that kind of person hands down, anyday! : )