I don't know

I don't know whether writing this will help me. I used to be the happiest girl in the world, I never got upset, nothing used to faze me and I was a strong, successful individual.

The first time the words 'depression' crossed my mind was when I was rejected from my dream job, age 18, it sent me into a downward spiral and I ended up being prescribed anti-depressants and attended a few counselling sessions. Suddenly I had a new boyfriend, new job, new place to live and I felt a thousand times better, stopped the counselling and medication (even the counsellor told me he was happy to let me go as he was happy I was ok).

That was about 4 years ago now and in those 4 years Ive been backwards and forwards to the doctors, one minute sure I am depressed, the next absolutely sure I was 'fixed'.

A couple of months ago I attemped suicide, after a silly row with my partner at the time, this alerted him to my depression and a couple months later he finished with me. Now Ive taken this so badly it’s untrue, I’ve acted like a crazy person, I’ve caused a scene in my local pub, I’ve randomly fell to the ground screaming at the top of my voice, I’ve spent hours on the phone to the Samaritans, I didn’t go into work 4 days… the worst thing being that when I was doing these things they felt absolutely rational. Luckily at the present moment in time I am over that bout of deep depression but it doesn’t mean I feel any better. I get up in the morning, and cry on my walk to work, usually I will cry in the toilet at work and I will almost definitely cry myself to sleep at the end of the day. If I’m not crying though I am weighted with this horrible feeling of hating myself, of messing everything up, of being abandoned, that my life will never ever improve. I no longer feel strong and independent, I feel stupid, weak, pathetic, worthless.

I honestly think that there is no way out of my depression, the only thing to do is to die, but I cant do it, I cant do it to other people and I cant do it to myself. Imagine that feeling? Its like the worst form of torture there is, when there is nothing left to do but die and you cant even manage that.

I smoke marijuana and I am under no illusion that it doesnt help, but when I get so overworked it’s the only way of controlling myself and calming myself down. I want to quit it more than anything in the world but I cant even imagine getting through a day without it at the minute, let alone being strong enough to stop myself smoking it. When I was with my boyfriend I was happy and didn’t think of it as a problem. With constant support from someone as close to me as my partner I think I could do it. But not right now, I don’t feel strong enough to spend ten minutes alone without my anxieties taking over me.

I feel like I’m just plodding through the days hoping for something good or bad to trigger a different mood, I don’t enjoy life, I have nothing that makes me happy, I don’t make anyone else happy and I have nothing to look forward to. Only things to dread, like not being able to pay my rent on Friday, my doctors appointment in the morning, work etc.

I don’t know what to do


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5 Replies

  • I am sorry to see your post. I have similar feelings although our family circumstances are different. How are you feeling now?

  • I know exactly how you feel.....things are sometimes so bad that I don't see any point in continuing this life....I have no children (not because I didn't want them) and struggle to find a valid reason to go on. But I have two brothers and we are all really close, and an elderly aunt who is like a mother to me . I just couldn't put them through that and so I go on....one day at a time, some days good some days crap! I try to make a point of finding something in my day to cheer me up ( usually something funny on YouTube) or just talking to like minded people on the forum....

    When it comes to smoking marijuana..I've been using it for more years than I care to think about. I don't smoke cigarettes with nicotine, but a 'smoke' does relax me..(but does give me terrible munchies)!!!!! I don't see any real harm in it...they have it on prescription for some conditions these days, so don't beat yourself up about it.

    Tomorrow is another day......who knows what will happen....?

  • After posting this yesterday I had a particularly bad evening. I went to my second job and ended up getting sent home because I was in floods of tears. I guess its because I’d spent all day holding them back and then my ex boyfriend decided to call me to tell me I’m a pathetic silly little girl who will never be happy because I constantly cause problems. Then it set me off.

    Last night was really hard, but as usual a spliff helped calm me down and see things more rationally. But I cant keep living my life spliff by spliff every time something upsets me to the point where I cant control myself.

    I went to the doctors first thing this morning who has told me to stick with the prescription im on and that he will chase up the therapy sessions ive been promised. So not a lot has changed.

    I felt horrendous this morning after arguing with my ex, I don’t understand why he hates me so much that he constantly tries to make things worse for me. If he’s not actively trying to argue with me or tell my friends that im attention seeking, then he ignores me altogether which is just as bad and just as hurtful. He knows exactly how down I get and how bad I feel when people call me names like that yet he carries on doing it and its heartbreaking that im not good enough for even him to love or help. That’s what hurts the most is when people know how bad my situation is and they don’t want to help me, its horrible. Id do it for anybody, if I ever found out somebody was in a similar situation how could you not help them? How could you exaggerate the situation and then leave someone in such a state they want to commit suicide? It must be because I am as much of a shit person as he says I am

  • Book ur self for a meditation class if possible ur teacher may able to help u in letting go all the negativity around u ... It really helped me single most powerfull thing and now I laugh at my 2 months previous self so much wiser I have become

  • Jade

    Can we try in part and turn this around, plan for the future you and I?

    When you split from someone there is a bereavement period and stages you go through, you can look those up on the internet so at least you know what is happening to you, what you can expect.

    Well done on going to the Docs.

    You do need to make some changes in your life but maybe right now isnt the time , you need to feel what you feel, get over this n your own time. But it doesnt stop you and I planning for the future, having something to look forward too.

    Right now Jade you need to be your own best friend, be kind to yourself, if a friend came to you as you are now youd be kind, so be kind to Jade.

    As difficult as it is please try and hear this, you said yourself you have been happy, so here's the truth Jade YOU WILL be happy gain. Life doesnt just give you one chance it gives you many chances. So you didn't get your dream job but you got a better life. If can happen once it can happen twice , 3 times etc.

    The common denominator in all this is YOU, you still have you and while you do, you can be happy because you know HOW to be happy.

    So how would it be if with the help of the doc or even without, you gradually tried to reduce the weed you said yourself it doesnt help, try and wean yourself off in a few weeks time, with help from the docs.

    For now maybe try and avoid the ex, you need a break from all that, don't give him the chance to talk to you, go to other places, when you answer the phone say your off out and cant talk now.

    This isn't really about you and him, this is about you getting better so when you do have a relationship you can cope. Have a plan for you career, you used to have one. Think about what you love, what you love to do.

    Now this is a biggy, plan something you know you love, a spa day, a trip to the seaside, I dont know something you love and book it, have something to look forward too, a definite date.

    Try Jade, try to look to the future, the past is past over with, you can create something now though for yourself, try and reinstate those things in your life that made you happy. It wasnt only your BF who made you happy, you did other stuff, focus on that. Move forward slowly and things will get better.

    I really feel for you, we all do, but life isnt over, no one died and while you are still alive there is hope for change, good change.

    Keep a note book of what you love and anytime something makes you smile make a note and in your blue times, try and distract your mind with music, or films, anything so it can get a rest and when you feel a bit better check your note book to remind yourself of the good things that still exist.

    All this it's not easy Jade, but try, try really hard, you deserve to be happy and you are much stronger than you think, you can do this. I have faith in you.

    Stand up for yourself and say this isn't good enough for me! I want better in my life!

    You are worth it.

    Big Kiss and a Hug XX