I Don't Feel Like Me Sometimes

[Sammm]

Earlier this year I was diagnosed with depression and I found it so hard to come to terms with it, I still don't want to believe it to be honest but I guess I've just got to deal with it. I guess I'm just on this website to lift a little weight off my shoulders and let my thoughts out (I'm one of those people who bottles everything up which isn't great). Last year I came out as gay to my family but not everyone in my life knows, my grandparents for example and some close friends. I want to tell people so bad but I'm so scared of negative reactions I guess.. That sounds pretty bad and I know I shouldn't care what others think but having depression and anxiety I literally over think every little situation. I'm not sure if some of my close friends not knowing I'm gay is having an effect on my depression, it certainly doesn't help when my work colleagues ask me if I have a boyfriend after being in uni all year and I feel I can't tell them I'm seeing a girl. Like every little thing stresses me out to the point where I take it out on my close friends and family. I feel like I can't speak to any of my friends about my depression as I feel they might look at me differently or something or judge me in some way. When I'm really low and sad it shows, most of the time I try my hardest not to show my emotions but sometimes it gets really tough keeping tears in. I feel a little ashamed saying this but a few weeks back was the last time I cut myself, I've stopped because this time the scars aren't going away and I'm really worried they're going to stay for life. I'll experience random moments of not feeling real and not even feeling like I'm me any more, my mind goes blank and I feel like I don't want to be alive any more but then I kind of snap out of it but it comes back eventually... No one knows I've ever cut so I'm a little hesitant to post this but yeah. I feel really lame writing this but I guess it's just nice and comforting knowing there's other people on this website who probably know what I'm going through.

[Hidden]

Yes there certainly are. You haven't got to tell anybody anything you know as it is not their business anyway. Have you thought of contacting a gay helpline as they should be able to help with these issues and will give you someone to talk to about it.

There are a couple of gay people on this site (not me - I have different issues) and I am sure they will be in soon to help. We don't judge anyone on here but if you want to make your posts community only click on the button that comes up under the post.

Do you think you are suffering from depression? If you are then your best bet is to go to your doctor for a diagnosis and meds and/or counselling might help you. Please don't cut any more and you are right, some of the scars will definitely stay for life. You need to get help.

Oh by the way nice to meet you and welcome to the site. Take care xx

[Sammm in reply to Hidden]

I'm seeing a counsellor next week for some cognitive behavioural therapy after years of putting off seeing someone about so I guess it can only get better from here. I just needed to get it off my chest and feel a bit silly for pospting! But yeah thank you & you too xx

[AfriendofJesus]

Hi, Samm ! Before I say much, I just want you to know that my beliefs on homosexuality are different from yours, but it doesn't stop me from see you beyond your sexual preferences. Why am I telling you this ? Because I am a sincere person and I believe you are on this site exposing your "pain" because you are hoping that sincere people will take their time to take a little bit of your burden off. I am far from being prejudice, just different beliefs , but this doesn't stop me from caring , do you understand?

Samm, by what I read, I noticed that you are afraid of being rejected. I may be wrong but that 's what I sensed. Like everything in life, Samm, everything that may bring judgement to our lives is scary. What you do with your personal life should not stop people ,who do love you, from loving you.

I don't know your age, but I think the younger you are , the hardest may be for you to deal with the possibilities of the reactions that your mind show you. When you say that you should not care about what people think, if you think more carefully , I don't think you do believe that, otherwise you wouldn't be feeling how you are over the subject. It is okay Samm to "worry" about what people we care think about us, but if they really care, they support us and carry on loving us whether they understand our choices or not. Love don't depend on things, circumstances, love depends on love itself. We love or we don't. And this goes for everything in life. People’s love for us should not change whether we are still married or chose to divorce, whether you earn a lot of money or not so much, it all depends if people’s love for us is for who we are or what we do, because if it is for what we do, the world will be a very unloving one.

So, I believe you need to stop and think the real reason why you are struggling to share with your close friends or whoever else. You may ask: And if some of my close friends don’t accept me ? So ,they are not the friends you thought they were. Acceptance goes beyond someone’s sexual choices. Acceptance is about character, integrity, sincerity, honesty, loyalty. Your friends or whoever need to decide whether what they don’t accept is your sexual orientation or you, because these are two different things.

As a Christian, what I believe is that God may reject your sexual preference, but He would never, ever reject you and love you any less. So if you feel rejected by anybody, remember there is someone that doesn’t matter what you do, you can’t make Him love you any less.

Sam , try harder to find out what it is that makes you want to harm yourself, sweetheart. Besides leaving you with physical scars, and becoming a reminder to you of these moments when you overcome this hard period in your life, is not going to add anything else. When you feel like harming yourself, write about it till it disappears. What you need is to get out what is suffocating you. I understand you may be fearful of the consequences of making the decision of letting others know, but suffocating it , it will just harm you more.

I am not writing to you as Christian or not, because what I really am is a child of GOD, and as such, I would like you to see in my words care and not judgement. He is a loving and caring God, and as His child, that is what I try to bring through to others ,regardless of their circumstances.

Take care, Samm. If you still want me to chat with you , let me know. If not that’s okay to.

Kind regards

AfreindofJesus

[Photogeek]

Hi Sam oh your going through a tough time. I think a Gay helpline or Group

Could really help you to come to terms with coming out . Depression can be tough

But no need to feel ashamed, once you accept it you can begin to find out

Ways of being that work for you. See what helps, try different things, as it can

Take a while. But Sam no need to be ashamed. It's not so bad , once you manage it.

The trouble is you are trying to cope with your sexuality on top of this, so check out

The web for A good lesbian support Group. Don't be pressured into feeling

That you have to tell everyone immediately. In time you will gauge those you

Can trust and those who may be judgemental or stuff. Sam get your Depression

Sorted out and you will be much stronger and able to be you.

Just be yourself because everyone else is taken. Lol.

Pop back and we will chat and support you , you sound like a bright girl.

Hannah xx

[hez64]

Hi Samm

I can relate to a lot of your feelings as my son came out a year or so ago.It hasn't been easy for him since he did sometimes but it far outways the stress he put on himself trying to hide it.

A lot of his close friends "knew" but didn't say as it didn't matter, he was the same person.

He lost some friends, yes, but realised they weren't really friends in the first place.

please see your doctor.Counselling helped my son.

Here if you need me xx