About two weeks ago I posted my first post - a rather long-winded description of what has and is happening in my life.
I have had some lovely sentiments from you on here and I am genuinely grateful.
But... (there's always a but) I am worse. I don't know where to go or what to do, I am approaching breaking point and I can't see anyway forward. To bring you up to date, I have found out that not only does my wife want a divorce, but she has been having an affair. Since I found out she is openly brazen about it and tries to rub my nose in it at every opportunity. My marriage is over after 23 years together and I really did not see it coming.
So now I am feeling stupid, worthless - I have given everything for the person I loved just to have it thrown back in my face as life is more "exciting" for her now (her words).
Add this to the despair I was already feeling and then add the anxiety for what the future holds and I think this is me done.
I know people deal with this stuff day in, day out, but I can't cope. I keep asking myself "Am I having some sort off breakdown?". I don't want to risk my job by taking time off work - the future is already bleak without adding unemployment to the list.
I am trying to be patient, my doctor has prescribed sertraline and I'm approaching two weeks in, but you guys suggest it can take four-six weeks to have an effect. In the meantime suicidal thoughts are crowding my mind at every point I am not distracted. I have several detailed ideations and each passing day seems to throw up multiple times where all I do is fantisize about my demise. These times are so hard that were it not for the UK gun laws being so strict, I am 95% sure that I would not be here now. I would act impulsively, it is only the fact that my ideations would take time to carry out that I have enough time to "come to my senses" - don't get me wrong, by that I mean the damage I would do mentally to my 13 year old son. Again, if he did not exist I am sure that I would have enacted out one of the scenarios.
I do not fear others "missing" me or being affected by my death. I have one friend and some work colleagues and that's it, no family. I am terrified that one day soon this feeling of darkness will fully overtake me and I will end up screwing my son's life up forever.
If I think of my wife it only brings home the missing of human contact. Looking back I can see how unhealthy it was that she was my only source of such, but I find it hard to maintain friendships - I don't know why, I think I just baulk at being close to anyone. Perhaps, if this were not the case, I would be pouring my emotions out to them instead of you. As it is I have to try and face the future in this vacuum.
I don't know, I read this back and I start to berate myself, there are people in the world, some of you reading this no doubt, that would make my "problems" look like a joyride. I am sorry that I am weak. That I can't cope. That I don't even know what I am doing typing this. But like the title says....
I feel the same as u .. I want to end it and then I don't then I do and I find like you the ideation whizzing through my head abs on repeat .. I am up and down and so very tired. I cannot see a way forward through my situation and I dread waking up everyday and pray I won't .. Something or somebody somewhere doesn't want me to die as I have tried a few times and failed.. Theoretically I should be technically dead but I am not. My life is zilch and I dislike this existence as it is too painful
Well firstly I am glad that you have typed all of this out and reached out again on here. You may in the future look upon this time as a "turning point" in your life but at the moment i can understand it feels like 100% full blown pain and distress.
Sometimes we have been doing things for a while in our lives and then a crisis hits us (the situation with your wife is probably preceded by the depression you were already feeling but it has added another layer or maybe 100 to your distress).
What I mean is that maybe you have always had some characteristics which make you prone to depression but your relationship was sufficient of a cushion in the past. Now that is over and you realise that maybe you depended too much on that relationship but don't beat yourself up I think many people do that.
Except that you do need to rethink now as something fundamental has changed. This is bound to be devastating to you so do give yourself time to come to terms with all of this and eventually rethink how you are going to be now.
You say you are on setraline. Yes you are right that two weeks is a slightly short time for them to be kicking in. I would give it another couple of weeks and in the meantime you have it distraction is the key and if it keeps you alive then it is absolutely worth it.
Please talk as much as you want/ need on here . It won't be endless; it just feels so terrible for you at the moment I know and I wish there was more I could do but hopefully this helps a little .
I can sort of self analyze and you are exactly right with me being prone to depression all my life and my wife being a cushion. My relationship with her distracted me from my own unhappiness by trying my hardest to please her and make her happy. I think that the only time I felt truly happy was seeing her pleased.
It got me nowhere though, and actually sounds a bit creepy written down. I just meant that I tried my hardest to be a good husband but it just wasn't enough - it just reinforces the failure feelings.
Now is the time when like it or not that depression is still saying to you "But I'm still here; please attend to me". It will keep showing itself until you deal with it but at the end of all this believe me you will feel more whole as a person and less vulnerable.
Once the initial shock is over and you have stabilised a bit you may find counselling useful as you clearly have maturity and insight which all help.
Nathan, sometimes being a perfect wife or perfect husband is not enough. There is such a thing as a malcontent for whom there can never be enough.
If you tried your hardest you did all you could. I personally don't feel a failure when this happens to me even if the result is not a success and therefore could be seen as a failure.
To put it another way, I worked in sales . To keep sane in this one needs to think "Well,if I did n't win the order for my company no one could have done" Sometimes it was even true, but I believed it all the time.
Hi Nath please do t be so hard on yourself. Just because your wife cheated on you is no reason to give up. People split up all the time especially these days, when people treat spouses as disposable and fidelity is not important to some types of people
It will be hard for a while but you will get over it, as I did when I split up with my ex husband, so you are not a failure. Your marriage failed doesn't mean you failed so get those negative feelings out right now.
You will get back into life and you can be happy, I was much happier after my marriage ended so dont assume the worst.
I know you feel in pain right now but that will pass.
This is a time to start afresh so stick around and we will hold your hand.
Hannah
Hi you are not weak so please get that idea out of your head now. Depression is an illness and strikes at random and it is no fault of yours. It's nothing to be ashamed of though I am aware than many people especially men think it is.
The main thing is you are getting treatment now. Please don't do anything rash and wait for the meds to fully kick in. Is your doctor arranging counselling for you too? x
Hi Nath, I'm so sorry about what you've been through, I can tell you time is a great healer! I went through exactly the same about 2 years ago, except it was my husband cheating on me and was totally unexpected too. We have two children and I wanted to make a go of things for their sake but he just continued to lie until I was at breaking point, I still think to this day he dragged me through hell to get financial gain. (I'm the bread winner which didn't help his ego). You need to care for yourself and love yourself it really will get better. Try doing things you have put on the back burner (I'm pole dancing and I love it!) it will get you out of the house and give you something else to concentrate on. Just keep going back to the doctors if it doesn't work, I also saw a cousellor and tried CBT. I'm still on citalopram but hopefully will be coming off it shortly. It's been a tough journey but I realise now just how strong I am and you can be like that too, you've made the first step to recovery just let the meds do their work and keep messaging on this forum! Xx
FIrst and foremost, my sincere apologies to the life changing events that have recently occured in your life, I would be exactly where you re at right now. but luckily for you, you have this forum here to ease the pain as much as you let it. Today is my first day on here and after reading your stor I can only say I feel likeI'm in th right place because not only o I sympathize for you I also empathize for you as well... I don't have a dr as of right now and I told my mom that i stumbled upon this site and she said"You dont have any medical illnesses" and the look on her face was so... Idk but I just wanted to just lose my mind in front of her but that would probably end up badly, but anyway back to you... I recently decided to take up a hoby of starting a clothing line to take my mind off of whas trying to kill me and that would be the silence and solidarity that I unfortunately can't get out of until I find job... Ask your son even to do whatever the hobby is you choose to pick up, that way you don't lose him and most importantly he doesn't lose you either.. I know sounds simple but its not, you really have to dig deep and find something that peaks both of your guys' interests. Hope this helps. KEEP YOUR HEAD<3(;
Everyone else has said it all, but can I please add you need to think of your son as you are, it's THE MOST IMPORTANT time in his life, You being strong even though it will be sooooo hard. Teenage years are a struggle as it is and you will set a pattern for him. Please just keep on keeping on, see a psychologist as a sounding board and some coping methods and at this stage tell yourself YOU CAN DO IT if only for him at this stage, he will be eternally grateful for your love support through these turbulent times, I know my daughter is going thru it and wanted to end it all but has two teenage daughters to consider. Wishing you well keep in touch
The outstanding folks here have given you some wonderful advice so please do take heed of it okay?
Through the break-up of your marriage and ensuing depression, LIFE IS GIVING YOU A SECOND CHANCE! Look at your situation from the glass half full perspective and NOT half empty.
You most certainly are NOT "weak ... worthless ... stupid". Please read that last sentence again ... and again. You are an intelligent, articulate, caring human being who is having trouble dealing with what millions of folks deal with every second of every minute of every hour of every day right across the globle. A relationship breakup is way up there on the stress scale.
Grieve the loss, because it is like a death in many ways, but NEVER take your eye off the future because you DO have one. Certainly, there will be lots of adjusting to do, but once you've adapted to the idea and grieved over the loss, your life should start to look rosier. IF you let it.
I also think you should look at counselling to address issues relating to your self-concept. That concerns me more than your divorce. Meds alone will not fix this particular problem.
As I said a life is giving you a second chance. Professionally address the issues that you need to. Deal with the divorce pain - a pain that will eventually pass - and then little by little start to embrace your future.
In terms of your wife, if her life is currently more "exciting" with someone else, then please be aware that that type of "excitement" eventually wanes. And that Nath is a FACT so take NO notice of her or her cruel words because she is in for a jolly big surprise at some point.
Focus on healing AND your son.
Please continue to post here as often as you need to or want to.
Best wishes ... and chin up. Things will get better, bit by bit.
Nathan, no one deals with this stuff day in and day out without experiencing very severe mental stress and your problems would not look like a joyride to anyone. I don't expect I'll convince you but you have already shown more strength than most people could have done. now you have to show even more as your circumstances have significantly worsened. Don't worry, although its natural to doubt you'll have the resources to cope, you will have ,and I'd be prepared to put money on it.
Your assets are considerable compared with many depressives . You still have human contact in your son and work colleagues ,and your friend and even in your wife although that is obviously not all pleasant. That is sufficient human contact but nurture it all as its approaching minimal. You have a job. You have the strength to have survived many years of depression with no medical help and without disclosing it. You have n't disclosed your depression. I spend a lot of time trying to help people on the site and reading posts and that is already a considerable list of assets compared with many. You have a job and career, have experienced marriage and fatherhood. A lot of the young people with problems on this forum must wonder whether they will have those experiences. Whatever you think It seems to me you are one of the strongest people posting, although I accept its natural you should doubt that.
In addition you now have the beginnings of medical help,and reading your two posts it is obvious you have all the right attitudes to survive and come through this. Don't expect the medical help you are now getting to make things immediately easy and hitting the right treatment may take a while if you are unlucky,but at least the process has started.
Your wife's affair and her wish for divorce might seem like the final blows to you but to me they look like they could ,I say could ,eventually turn out to be a good turning point in your life. As an outside observer with only your posts to go on I believe you could be well rid, if you'll excuse my bluntness. I can easily understand how, as a shy not overly social person you gave all your love to the woman you lost your virginity to. Judging by her recent actions and attitudes you could have done a lot better had you had the pick of a herd.
After years of spells of serious depression I had a similar series of personal blows about 8 years ago, which surprisingly turned out not to be blows at all, but quite lucky. I obviously can't say that things will turn out as well for you but give it time and you might get a pleasant surprise.
In the mean time hang in there. Its going to be tough but use this forum as a source of support. It might get tougher ,it might get easier, but whichever resolve that whatever is thrown at you,you will survive for your son. Once you've done that you can start thinking about surviving for yourself.
Olderal
Thank you all again - your kind words and sage advice have once again, lifted my spirits, however briefly. There are parts from everyone's post that have made me feel that little bit more understood and accepted, and dare I say it, on some occasion smile, although it may be a wry smile!
For my son's sake I do not want to do anything rash, it's just that when I hit the bottom of my mood cycle then I scare myself with how close things may get.
If you don't mind, I will continue venting on occasion, even responding on this forum eases the pain for a moment, perhaps one day I can give back what you have done for me.
Hi , I understand how you feel in a similar situation heartbreak is such a painful emotion it consumes you and so does loneliness. Im not gonna give you a magic cure. All I can say is hang on in their it will get easier day by day, your son will make you stronger, You are not alone. Keep taking your medication its so important and try and exercise even a walk will help trust me, if it wasn't for my dog!!!!!!. Im gonna send you a hug cause I feel you need one.
Thanks Kizzy, I'll take all the hugs I can! On a more serious note, I know it's a bit of a cop out but by overnight becoming a single parent, having to juggle work and a teenager, who by the way is of course having to deal with his emotions regarding his mother's departure means that I have little time for structured exercise. Maybe as time progresses I can explore it, but it reminds me of one of Stilltrying_ 's post about the catch-22 of depression, i.e. depression causes lethargy, then lack of exercise feeds the depression. To be honest by the end of the evening, I am shattered both mentally and physically.
Finally, I hope you are right (and I'm sure you are) that things will get easier day by day. It's just hard to envisage that when however hard I try, thoughts of my (ex)wife with another man (and not just in sexual way) makes me feel physically sick to the point that it has made me retch. I did/do love her that much even after 23 years.
I hope that you are feeling better, sometimes just writing things down can help, I have always kept a diary because I have had private thoughts and fears I could not share with people close to me. I am sorry you are going through a bad time but I believe that time heals and that this is meant to be and that it is time for you to move on to another phase of your life. It will be hard to move on and you will think there is no point but I can see you have a lovely son who you love and he loves you too and that you are trying to be strong for his sake, you are right to do this. It is just a temporary stage and you will come out the other side. There is another you waiting to evolve, life happens in stages and this is just another one, you might fear it because you do not know what is going to happen or if in fact anything will at all, but wait...... your life is precious and so are you . Leave behind the past and the people who are not relevant anymore and move on. Do not look out of the rear mirror all that has passed and you cannot change it, look forward, You are beginning a new journey. Good luck and hugs.
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I don't know 
Don't know what to do anymore
I just don't know where to turn.
I don't think I can do this anymore.. 
I don't know what to do! Please help..
