Don't know what to do anymore

[faceless65]

I've suffered from depression a very long time and I have moments when I can get through a day but then I have ones I can't. Today, I just feel that everything is just a waste of time. I'm on loads of meds due to chronic back pain which make me tired, lethargic and take every bit of energy out of me. This weekend I have ended up sleeping all the way through. My meds are just draining me. If I don't take them I'm a mess and if I do take them I'm a mess. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel that I'm a waste of space to my family. I really want to get out of this rut I find myself in. Every day I say to myself 'it's going to be different today, you're gonna try get up and do what you can' but then when it actually comes to it, I dunno what to do, as I really can't be bothered. I feel that I have no relationship with my husband at all anymore. We don't spend any time together and I feel it's because he doesn't want me near him as I'm in his way. My daughter who is 14 does her own thing now and doesn't want to be doing anything with us, so I just feel like I'm a spare part getting in their way. If I wasn't going to hurt my family, i would quite happily take a few too many of my meds, but I couldn't put them through that. I just wish I could shake myself out of this self pity crap as that's all I think it is. There are people out there I know who have worst problems on their hands and they don't moan and feel sorry for themselves, and it makes me mad that I am doing this. I know that it's me and only me that can put a stop to this, but I just don't know where to start. Sorry, I needed to just have a rant and maybe it will start making me think about what I should do. Thanks for listening x

[Hidden]

Well with your problems I think some self pity is very normal. The trick is to put a limit on the time you feel like this. I have a little pity party sometimes but I put a time limit on it. At the end of that time I deliberately turn my mind to something else.

Are you having any treatment for your depression? Or any counselling? This might help.

[faceless65 in reply to Hidden]

Hi Hidden

Thanks for your message. I like the sound of how you try to cope with your self pity times, it's something I ought to try although I know it won't be easy to begin with.

Unfortunately I'm not having any therapy for it at the moment but it's because my doctor that I spoke to regularly who has known me through all my problems has now retired and the ones that have taken over I haven't been able to build up the same rapport with. One of them I find is very condescending and patronising so I avoid wanting To go to ask for help. I think I've got to bite the bullet and get back in touch or even contact some helplines I used to have, if I can find them. I just so want to feel better and I keep thinking I will, but when it comes down to it, it's so much effort, does that make sense? I have a colouring book that's supposed to help (one of those "colour yourself calm" ones) but after I start a few bits I can't be bothered any more. I'm pathetic.

I will try to take to heed what you've said though, so thanks for your response. X

[Hidden in reply to faceless65]

Hi well in some areas you can self refer for NHS therapy so you can avoid the doctors altogether. If you can't just go back and say you want to be referred for NHS therapy. There are limited options though and it can be a long wait.

If you can afford it you would be better off paying for it.

[faceless65 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Hidden . I might look into it. X

[faceless65]

Hi Hidden

Thanks your message. You are right in so many ways regarding how it takes over your mind. It's like it's grabbed you into this depth of dispair and can't find s way of getting out. I definitely will look into new dietary habits and or supplements that may boost me up a little. I find the hardest thing is that my husband is one of these kind of guys who won't show much affection or ask about my wellbeing, but I have known he wasn't one for doing that right from the moment I met him. Don't get me wrong in saying that he doesn't care, but he has never been able to show outwardly his feelings, if that makes any sense. My problem is, I am one who sometimes feels abandoned when I don't get that Affection, which is daft I know. Anyway, thanks again and I will think about the things both you and Hidden have said. It helps just being able to talk to others and get some feedback xx