Not been feeling too good the past few days, wonder if I will ever be the same again...
Don't want to take the citalopram prescribed, got some tabs from Holland and Barrett called 5 HTP..and some B100, only been taking them a couple of days...I know a lot of people would say take the anti depressants I just really don't want to...
I have been thinking I would be better in hospital I guess that's because I think they can make me better,
Feel light headed and headachy, my concentration isn't great....sometimes the realisation of it all makes me emotional....never had so many headaches as I've had in the past few days.....
I am so sad that I can't be my old self ....I have snippets of my old self come through , for a couple of hours maybe a day, sometimes a few days but I seem to always go back to this place, getting a little fed up with it is an understatement...
To be honest, if I could ,I would stay in my bedroom now forever I can't be bothered, it's only to keep up appearances or out of necessity I venture out .......
Not sure how I can go from 3 months ago working full time in a stressful job role to being exhausted even thinking about what to wear...........
Seriously though - I'm sure Messrs Holland and Baratt are perfectly lovely people who mean well.
I'm sure their herbal remedies are absolutely wonderful for easing period pain and stimulating interesting conversations with bearded men wearing open toe sandals and organic cheesecloth underwear.
However.
The pills you have been prescribed have been carefully formulated, rigorously tested, been subject to all manner of controls and regulations and have been prescribed for you by a qualified medical professional.
Hmmm.
Up to you of course, me lil' ol' dahlin', but thems me thoughts on it.
XXX
Stop it I nearly choked on my glass of water then haha....
There is an element of truth in what you say and I don't mean about the bearded men in open toed sandals and cheesecloth underwear hahaha....
I have my reasons for not wanting to take the meds, in the end I may have to take themI understand that..my stubbornness is not good for an illness such as this.....and I am fighting it so hard I'm knackard !!
I hear and respect what you say......it will be a consideration as and when necessary...
Hello Sleepless, I love this thread and am reluctant to leap in but ooooh what you describe was me! And trigger words are leaping out at me like stubborn and trying those particular supplements probably after endless research and confused thinking because somewhere deep down although some of the symptoms and feelings and vortex-like thoughts seem to be less obvious on AD's there is something still wrong that you can't quite put your finger on and haven't a clue how to describe to the doctor. After all most of the things you may have been brought up to believe is just your nature or part of personality and all people wear masks and act a part to fit in society. But until recently I didn't realise that there are degrees of affect that although we all experience the same concentration problems feelings etc for some it is super-intensified and because it is something adjusted to over a lifetime it is impossible to identify the level of intensity of say focus or auditory senses. Having read a few of your posts recently you are so extremely intuitive and sensitive and while agree with unidentified bones entirely I can totally identify with the feelings you express around not wanting to take them although we may easily be feeling and thinking totally different reasons to have same desire! I was on AD's for over twenty years after a recent diagnosis and addition of appropriate meds the specialist laughed at my AD's saying the dose I was taking was probably just being used to help with my appalling sleep patterns and sleeplessness so although they were AD's my doctor was using them a little as sleeping tablets for me which is why there was a minor improvement when I started taking them. I stopped them on specialists advice overnight and six weeks into new meds I'm a different person I am even becoming self-accepting might even start liking myself for first time in well over 40 years so feeling rather hopeful which is another sensation I can honestly say I rarely felt over the last fifteen years. I am still in the learning and re-training stage but I am at the point where I so hope this continues. The mood swings are lessened and best of all I am able to identify when I am in an 'almost childlike' hyper focus where I can't make myself stop an activity to eat or drink or go to the loo until it is absolutely painful to ignore the body saying I need to. Even if that hyper focus is only being caught up in a continuous thought loop like a frozen computer trying to prioritise and organise the endless list of essential jobs or tasks I must do! Now that I can identify it as it happens rather than with hindsight I am managing daily routines of self-care that I genuinely could not do before like regular meals even being able to plan meals a little which means less blood sugar swings and more continuous energy less frequent manic surges which is making it easier to control cravings remember my meds and communicate. Sound obvious to others but identifying these patterns has never been a problem but acting on them was impossible! It feels nothing short of miraculous and leaves me full of hope!
I'm rambling and you'll probably find my experience irrelevant but I really hope you can find the right support whether that is social chemical nutritional or diagnostic or a combination because you are so intuitive and extremely supportive!
Thank you so much for taking the time to write this...it never ceases to move me, when people take the time to do this..
Your experience is not irrelevant to me...and it certainly helps to know thatyou have hope and have done so well, in that alone it is very very relevant to me......
You are correct about me by the way
My concentration is not too good at the moment and that frustrates me very much....it's a bloody hard slog !!! ....I take my hat off to you for the obvious strength you have, it inspires me and I need that right now..
I had planned to reply to your kindness in acknowledging my response but seeing Gambit's expansion on the idea of masks set me off so into depths of reflection which was great for me but has just taken up lots of room.....I really am sorry! I would love to discuss concepts and feelings from perspectives of others perhaps I'll get the nerve to set my own post soon though unlikely. I've risked it on an ADHD and Autism site the ADHD one to confirm my diagnosis really (for my own peace of mind lol) by comparing with those who have known through official diagnosis since childhood and the other because I have found someone who has known of her ASD being diagnosed at a very early age and although seeing the similarities and commonalities between us is comforting it is more the shared camaraderie and ability to compare the differences in reaching adulthood one with no idea and no support the other early diagnosis and overwhelming restriction experienced from well meaning but mis-placed assumptions and guidance.
I had a bit of a cardiac event a couple of days ago and waited for my regular doc appointment to ask about it yesterday but she made me come back and have an ECG even though I feel fine again now so of course the anxiety etc all feels a bit overwhelming and I should be pleased at factnthat there is no apparent damage but I'm just exhausted and over reflective feel bruised all over and bit emotional and sensing that feeling which for me arises from the fact that I am totally alone
My own fault, own choice and in some ways it is what normally keeps me alive forcing me to stay in my rational brain and try to overcome my stupid overwhelming and irrational emotions but at times like this it just feels naff lol
Thank heavens I am in groups like this and can try to support and be with people who understand and forgive the "self-pity". Which I despise in myself!
You take care and I hope you are feeling a bit better!!! Perhaps plans with the family over the holiday weekend or with friends. If it wasn't so busy I think toady would be the perfect time for me to go for a walk on the moor with the dog but now it is too busy and when it isn't I'm not up to leaving safety of my home. Hopeless utterly hopeless LOL. If only a kick up the bottom really worked as a treatment for this illness!!!
Aurora, just wanted to pick up on and possibly expand on your comment about people wearing masks. Number of years ago I came across a thing called the 'enneagram'. The key to that is, yes, we all wear marks (greek persona - which is where the word 'person' comes from), but the reason we do that is to (jealously) protect our inner gifts. So, the mask presents a distorted image of the inner gift. I found it very helpful at the time because a) it helped me realise what my inner gift(s) was/were and how I was distorting them and how that was causing me problems interacting with other people and b) it made me realise that different people do the same things as me but for very different reasons.
Yes that is very good way of seeing it! Actually I love looking at the origins of words and the development of their present day meanings it often lends amazing personal insight. One of My childhood loves was to read and memorise the dictionary and couldn't get enough of encyclopaedia's even studying the psychology of the horse in furthering the path of understanding in my hobby gave insight and personal slant to the way people behave and society works.
It is odd and at the same time astounding how well we can learn from observing or recognising things and patterns in apparently totally irrelevant or seemingly Unassociated events or subject areas. That's if we are in the frame of mind to really observe and interpret!
I know with depression for many including myself that it is easy to withdraw in such a way that we are not open enough to look out and really observe. Though I am probably not expressing that well! I couldn't 'see' my beloved dog following me constantly stretching and yawning seeming uncertain almost more clingy as he noticed my detachment when people didn't or couldn't. Same with horses I was working with one that had always been easy to catch always waiting at the gate became a cheeky little monster teasing me into wanting to chase him round the field I laugh now but at the time .... Not so funny lol! I couldn't see colour in anything, couldn't see anything that radiated life and vibrant energy of any kind because my energy was so depleted I didn't feel a part of that life force.
One of the horses I worked with became so super sensitive to my underlying energy (energy I was totally switched off from) that it would react to the merest lift of an eyebrow and acted as if it was permanently on the look out for a lion behind the dock leaves. Yet the young colt just sort of switched off too became numb to most around him. Maybe there is something in that and we could use prey animals like rabbits for diagnostics and as advocates train doctors to see the mirrored depression response in them to locate areas to investigate more thoroughly in us ..... Ooh I'm off into realms of fantasy again! LOL
People are such complicated fascinating beings. Because of the way my brain works I often need a prompt to then expand on and personalise if I hear or see someone do something successfully or see a failure that I then can see is something that would actually work really well for me is the ONLY way I seem to be able to learn once I see and do then adapt I can learn and experiment and develop but when I just have information in fact form I can only seem to focus in on the thing that 'should' work because it has been proved to with others and I feel I shouldn't be different....... I'm sure this is all sounding very crazy but I seem to be on a thread which is fascinating me at the moment. I read in the psychiatric times and the additude magazine; articles on the "interest based Nervous System" and it has been triggering related thoughts ever since.
I love your comment that wearing masks is to 'jealously' guard our inner gifts and talents it resonates in so many ways although for me the perception differs but the insight is great!
My experience of jealously guarding talents is actually what I do but it doesn't feel like its driven by jealousy and certainly isn't guarding it is purely hiding because my inability to control my impulses especially to talk the consequences of exposing my talents tends to create a rather unpleasant response and sort of general disdain probably much as many of the people reading my comments and responses but at least I can't see it lol. I was forced to give up teaching once and had to keep working (which I prefer for the distraction if nothing else) I started work in a supermarket which I actually loved especially when I got on th night shift when supermarkets didn't open overnight. I still did not look after myself but while on days it got to the stage where if I saw an ex-student shopping, I would hide behind a counter and ask a colleague to serve, because they would try to persuade me back into teaching talking about talent and ability to make things understood so I suppose they felt I was jealously guarding something that could help them and others in our iindustry, even though it made me turn on Bon Jovi volume on full and swallow every pill in the house I could find together with bottle of Gordon's and a rather old Glenfidich neither of which were my usual tipples. I didn't feel lucky at the time but I woke up in a pool of vomit and many half dissolved pills. It wasn't the only time but I know I am it alone in that here! I developed a fool proof plan and set up my life in a way that would ensure that I couldn't be stopped or saved but now that has almost become my saviour. Knowing that it truly is my decision and can not be interfered with in any way means that I can focus more on what I want to do to and how much I want to do it rather than continuing to be held to things by others needs alone. So maybe that is a side of selfishness that I don't like to admit I have or even jealously guarding the hope to develop independence and a sense of identity again it is an area I want to understand and compare with other caring souls like the ones here.
It helps getting things out even as reflective rumblings and by getting them out they seem to finally be things I can sometimes then understand a little better but I have got to learn to respect other people's posts and I am sorry I have gone on and on I have to say this a lot but I really mean it! Xxxx
My belief is that our illness is just that... an illness. If you had any other serious health issues e.g. heart, liver, kidney , broken anything you would take something to help you with that illness. You may not have to take meds for a long but while you are feeling so low it may be an idea to take them to help you through. All the best. xx
I guess I've found it hard accepting I have an illness for quite some time.....not sure I truly accept it now...sounds silly I know....I'm kind of in denial...although aware...
Thank you so much for your comments it truly does help....
All the best to you....I hope you are having a better day
Not keen on meds myself so understand that side of things - though my reasons are a bit more complicated ... still fighting against the little blue tablets my mother got the doctor to perscribe me when I was 10 ... which felt like it was a way of shutting me up ... and most of them ended up being spat out of the window when my mother wasn't looking ... and that was over 40 years ago!
I did manage to take prozac for a while and found that that gave me space to think and realise that I wasn't my thoughts ... and as a lasting side effect (10 years on) ... I still don't get worked up about other people's bad driving the way I used to.
Is it particularly citalopram that you object to or anti-depressants in general? There are lots of other meds out there - all have their side effects ... and coming off them too fast can also result in side-effects so I can't help wondering - if you stopped overnight - if the headaches couldn't be a side-effect. I didn't get on with citalopram at all - gave me such vivid dreams (quite pleasant ones) but left me spooked and feeling I couldn't separate reality from fantasy and stopped after a couple of days and have refused to take any antidepressants since then. Tend to use other things like exercise, meditation (mindfulness) and talking to try and keep things in perspective. Have some really good friends that I can talk to ... and some crap ones - when it comes to this type of thing - that I'd stick clear of mentioning things to because they just don't get it.
At the end of the day it really is up to you whether you take meds or look for something else that works ... and you are a strong person so I'm sure that you will manage to get out of bed at some point and continue to look for things that help you get through the days and get to a point where you feel like your old self more than the depressed and anxious self you are living with at the moment ... and even to a point where, emotionally, the depressed and anxious self seems like a distant shadow ... I just want to say that sometimes they can actually help.
Thank you for the response...I have never taken the meds so as far as coming off them there isn't any to come off...
It's helpful to hear your account of things too...
It's not just Citalopram I'm trying not to take ADs full stop...lots of reasons but I will take if I really have to would just rather try without for now see how it goes..no doubt it's a bigger struggle but one I prefer to take right now...
I thank you so much for your support
With all good wishes to youse xxxx
Hi Sue
I'm sorry you are feeling rough again, it does tend to come and go I know.
Some people would think you should take the meds but I think that if you are not happy taking them then don't because there are other ways of dealing with depression, side effects can be awful and it can be hard to wean off them. Do what feels right to you.
You say you have been taking things from the chemist, are you sure first that they are not giving you worse symptoms? It depends what they are but if they are meant to lift mood then they might also be making you lightheaded as that can be a side effect of mood enhancers. Just because they are available off prescription does not mean they have no side effects in symptom terms and also it can be dangerous to exceed the does which is a temptation. If you are having headaches that have only started since you began taking them I would definitely stop and see whether the headaches go within a few days. If youhave the money then an alternative to meds or chemist meds would be to see a homeopath. They would be able to prescribe tablets that will not give you awful side effects and are fine-tuned to your particular issues and personality. Homeopathy can be good for mood problems and you could google to find a local practitioner.
What makes you think you would be better off in hospital? Is it that you are wanting someone to make you feel better and think that may happen in hospital? It may, but hospital mental health wards are not usually pleasant places to spend time as many people who have been admitted will tell you, also need exceeds the number of beds and it would be hard to get admitted anyway - but the worse thing is that staff in hospital would almost definitely put you straight onto medication and most probably it would be stronger and harder to wean off than the meds you already have! I imagine it is more about feeling a need to be looked after and perhaps comforted or soothed in some way, or perhaps helped with things you are struggling with? If that's so is it possible for you to write about them here? As we both know the website is used by lots of people who are supportive and although you still have to cope at home you may well get more understanding and care here than nursing staff would have time to give you in hospital.
I know the feeling of dropping back to the same very low place. It can be hard to hold onto the things that keep you from doing that. I wonder whether you have asked your GP to refer you to a specialist psychotherapy unit as if you have been depressed for a long time it may be that MBT or some other CBT based mindfulness therapy would be helpful. I haven't experienced or used those therapies but understand they can be good for holding on mentally to positive states of mind and are used when people have good periods but drop back into low moods inbetween but do not have manic depression (which you do not from what I know of you!).
Hi again,
Sorry, I hit the send button by mistake, I don't know how that happened!
You say you don't know how you went from fullt-ime in a stressful job to feeling as you describe and I'm wondering what did happen to bring about that shift in mood. Did you have pressures at work or some trauma occur, a loss or relationship break-up. It's ok if you don't want to write about it, but I'm just wondering as something will have triggered the change. It may well have been a relatively innocuous thing that meant something more to you because of connections emotionally to other things that have happened in your life, or existing fears or anxieties. It may help to trace the mood shift back to see whether it started gradually or suddenly, whether it was just at work or outside too, whether it was when you were with friends or only when alone, etc. That way you can perhaps begin to understand and that's the basis for having more control over the symptoms.
I hope you begin to feel better, you've offered me a lot of support on the website.
I am feeling somewhat better. Last night I saw someone I have been attached to like a parent figure for over 20 years and although we didn't speak at all it was lovely to just see him again across a concert audience, I am reminded emotionally of how much he helped me and is still there for me to write to. That's keeping me more buoyant at the moment and enabling me to do some sorting out of things at home and remain more positive about things.
Take care Sue,
Love Suexxx
• in reply to
Thank you soooo much sue...I am going to digest and read properly what you say here and respond ...
I don't want to just write a load of waffle because my head isn't in the right place....
Thank you for all your support..
Love sue xxxxxx
• in reply to
So pleased your feeling better and you met with your friend that's so nice
Xxxxxxxx
• in reply to
You are welcome, you've given me enought support over the months! Get better soon, Suexx
• in reply to
Hi sue
Firstly I have to say I find your help on here to people really admirable..it is so lovely you are relentless in your help to many people here...I thank you for your in put to me
My worst problem at the moment is concentrating, so finding it difficult responding and helping , unless I keep it rather short, I then get a little worried people may think I'm being curt or not truly giving a damn, and that's not true I do care...I hate to think that the way I feel sometimes ,others feel the same, it's truly awful....
In respect of medication I am taking herbal remedy from holland and Barrett a well known herbal store...I am trying this out to avoid the anti ds because I really do not want to take ADs I have lots of different reasons for that and if I have to take them in the end I will...I guess we all have our own ideas on this and what is good for one is not good for another etc....
I'm not sure what triggered this off so badly this time but I reckon it's been creeping up on me for a while and I managed to fight it off for some time...like most people on here I have a past of things that don't help the mind....bullying being the main one throughout my life really...home , school, and workplace, not always and lots of happy times too but quite a lot of bullying,,they reckon happy caring people with a nice personality and good disposition can have a tendency to get bullied, bullies don't like happy people because they are unhappy themselves....
I have always thrived on love and have had a couple of good loving relationships ...I have been single now for 4 years, after never being single in my life...at first after a bad relationship it suited me..after a year I longed for a relationship again...I tried so hard meeting people, got let down many times, moved around, convinced new beginnings would bring me a nice new relationship..kept getting let down meting the wrong types..I think maybe I tried too hard...to find what I was looking for...I am mature and felt like time was running out for me and I so wanted that relationship to be a couple and do nice things together, over time I think I have felt total rejection...a long story
I came to a new area 2 yrs ago leaving a very good job .....to be honest I was feeling pressure then in the job so when the opportunity arose to move I took it..I guess I was running...I got a good job in the new area and felt all was ok...but soon I felt the anxiety again...I had to check things at work lots of times to be sure they were right, I was exhausted checking and double checking, fear of mistakes was taking over. I felt quite ill to the point I could see no way out other than to be here no more....
I gave notice at work no one new how ill I was I hid it well, by this time I truly was not myself, hardly speaking, never took any time off..I got a fabulous reference..I thought giving up the job may save my life and save people around me from feeling bad...I seem to have got worse and the checking things has gone to worrying about other things its hard to choose what to wear I don't leave my bedroom, to go from being an active working person to this is hard to bare...
Yes I guess I think being in hospital may help because at least then my daughter and her partner can't see me and I may get better, but hear what you say about meds etc, I guess I'm clutching at straws really desperate to get better, feeling I have no purpose is hard...I'm trying so hard...my therapist at CBTsays I'm trying too hard...
I can't believe I'm ill...the failure last week of trying to do a small voluntary job was hard to bare too..a couple of hours work and although I did it and they wouldn't have a clue....what should have been to me a simple task was mammoth.....I was exhausted when I got home...I guess in some ways I just don't get it.....I know people say you did really well to go out and do what you did...but I don't feel that, I guess im an all or nothing person and that is hampering my progress...
Concentration is so hard and frustration, I like quick results and it ain't happening...always been a. Fighter, and feel weak...I don't talk to anyone about it I feel embarrassed and also vulnerable, if they know I'm weak they may bully me...
I love this site it has saved me..and I love helping people I guess that's who I am really.....but I don't feel I have any purpose in life anymore.....I have given up on any kind of relationship now....
That may give an insight sue...I don't find it easy to write a lot. At the moment, a couple of paragraphs is usually my limit it makes me so tired....
I think I've waffled..and I have only brushed the surface..I'm not usually one to talk about me...prefer to help others really....
I must have some energy this morning to write all this waffle...
Thank you sue for your interest..some things I can't write
Love sue xxx
• in reply to
I should add that I've worked all my life, first time out of the workplace for me...that's hard..always had high pressure roles.
Left school with no qualifications went back to study in my 20s.....
I agree the meds will help but only with a combination including therapy and some time outside. i have done all this and am feeling a lot better than i was. there is more and more of me coming through and i have even started to get feelings of enjoyment xx Nikki
So pleased the meds are making a difference to you..thank you for your insight into this
Sue xxxxxx
Quick note about Citilopram.
They DO give it out like sweeties.
It CAN be very effective, if depression is the only issue.
I speak from bitter personal experience when I write the following;
Citilopram and Bi Polar do not mix.
Citilopram and BPD do not mix.
I'm basing this on the study of one, beautiful, wonderful woman of my very close acquaintance, so obviously this is not necessarily true for everybody.
Her elderly, well meaning GP considered her to be suffering from 'life experience' induced depression.
He prescribed Citilopram.
She is, in fact Bi Polar, with other complications.
The Citilopram set in motion the most devastatingly manic episode, which had far reaching and highly negative results on her life, her childrens' lives and many of the people who were closest to her.
Agree...it's whatever suits the person and we are all very different in this....the main aim is to feel better...for us all...so glad it works for you,
Sue xxx
Hi Sue
How are things? I hope you're feeling reasonably ok.
I agree with you about concentration although now I'm at a different point to you in that I'm on my way through and out of the depression and am able to think more of the time. There's nothing like emotional turmoil or depression to get in the way of thinking. I also think it's great the way you feel about meds is you are able to do without them - they can be very helpful but can simply postpone the problem, it depends very much upon teh reasons for the depession and also the point the person is at in feeling it. I personally think it's better to feel what is there and then be helped to understand why - but that is a matter of opinion and there are certainly faster ways of feeling better.
When I read your blog I am struck by how much you feel you have to be strong and how hard it is for you to let yourself accept you can't cope at this point. I identify with that so much, also with your comment about wanting to help people, you do help - I have always found your comments helpful.
I'm a qualified psychotherapist and finding myself collapsing into deep depression AFTER so many years of personal therapy (15 years) was the ultimate failure - like you I couldn't make sense of how I had been such a capable person but was unable to manage to use my abilities and qualifications once I got them. It was a knock to my self-esteem, perhaps your depression is for you?
Don't worry about not writing much, I'm a writer and find sitting at the computer typing is therapeutic for me although I'm also becoming aware how much it enables me to avoid actually having to get on and live in a fuller more satisfying way. I think wanting to help other people has partly been a way of avoiding my own need for help to know what else I might want to do - it isn't that helping people isn't good or important but that it enabled me to avoid the really deep depression that I was carrying with me from childhood and needed to resolve.
The past few years that has caught up with me and finally I've had to accept my inability to cope and all the feelings, especially anger, that went with that.
I've been lucky and had the support of the same mental health professional on and off for over 20 years - even though he's no longer in post he continues to respond with the same care and keeps boundaries. It's only now that I'm realising just how much difference that has made to my life - he's far from perfect as I frequently tell him in that he couldn't help me avoid the deeper depression but he does go on being there and caring no matter what I throw at him and that's invaluable.
I don't know much about your personal circumstances and history but I wonder whether there is anyone who has been there in your life whatever feelings you have needed to take to them? Most of us who become depressed have not been lucky enough to have that kind of experience in childhood and have had to struggle alone with feelings that have been just too difficult for the age we were when they occurred - it's hard to be resilient emotionally when there's that gap between need and someone meeting it - sometimes life throws too many difficulties up at once and then we fall back to where we weren't supported. We can be helped through that but it is hard to find the right help. Do you have anyone you can REALLY talk with about how you feel? I'm sorry if you've said before in your blogs, I'm useless at remember lots of detail unless working directly with the person!
Take care and keep writing, I find it helpful to be helped by you and to help you!
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Help, I don't know what to do. 
I don't know what to do.
Will it ever get easier?
Sometimes I just want to cry
I Don't Feel Like Me Sometimes 
