Finding another day hard

[Satsuma]

Each day I find it harder and harder to want to stay alive .. Am on a downward spiral and I have no desire to get back up. I have got back up many times only to be faced with more adversity. It is wearing me out now.

[Hidden]

Hello Satsuma

How can we help, I have read your other posts.

BOB

[Satsuma in reply to Hidden]

I am bombarded Hidden with nothing but negativity and I cannot see a way out . I am I amnafraid at the end of my tether now. Of course I do not want to die but I do want this pain to end .. I doubt it will and I know I cannot exist all my life like this. I will personally message u if I could.

[Hidden in reply to Satsuma]

Hello Satsuma

If you need to chat private, fair enough

BOB

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

To know the reason for your problems, depression anxiety is half the problem you are a good way to understand what you need to do to put it right.

If you are in any danger call 111 and they will triage and arrange for you to be takn to a place of safety.

If you are near a hospital A and E get yourself down there and they can help. If there is a Police Station the same applies.

If you need to chat with your GP, an out of hours one can be contacted and they will help

Monday mak that appointment with your GP and explain your worries and concerns.

If you need to talk w are always around for you

BOB

[Stilltrying_]

Satsuma it always feels like the worst ever when you are in it, but when you start to come out of it you will remember that you have also had some good times and that things can get better. To quote Bob one of the most longstanding community members on here, he always says to me to "keep a hold" and this helps, so I will say it to you too. Do keep a hold as there are better times ahead for you although you may not be able to see it this way at the moment. Gemma XX

[Satsuma in reply to Stilltrying_]

Stilltrying_ I have suffered year after year and it is getting worse and I have pulled myself up many times only to be shot back down. I simply cannot cope anymore

[Stilltrying_]

Satsuma please contact your mental health team as soon as you have a chance. If you feel in immediate danger please phone the Samaritans or go to your A and E department. I am so sorry you are like this and i understand the "endless slog" feeling as I can feel like that myself. I know you don't want to die and i understand you just want the pain to end. I understand this because I get like that myself but am not in that state at the moment.

Have you tried the phrase that "it will pass". I know it does go on and on and you feel there is no end but believe me suicide is not what you desire and even attempting it .The thing is you could do so much damage to yourself that in later moments you may regret. I have met people with long term disabilities , wheelchair bound and needing constant care because of suicide attempts. They have brain damage and so on. Please try and cope just until Monday when you know there will be more help around. Just give yourself a pledge; I will try for another 24 hours. I know how desperately hard it is and I wish i could make it better though I know I can't. All I can say is to hold on and ask and demand for all the help that you need with this.

Has anything happened of late to trigger this? Has anything upset you or have you had a recent loss or rejection at all? Is it worse for you because it's the weekend?

Gemma x

[Satsuma in reply to Stilltrying_]

Stilltrying_ I do not have a mental health team. I was discharged from the psychotherapist as my problems are out of his league. I am aware of a and e but I feel unable to go there alone, I have noone I can go with. I have just rang the Samaritans and spoke to a woman who all she said was oh this is a shame .. I angry is what I am and I do not know how to vent it. I am in the deepest depression ever known to man .. Been a decade now and I am no better. I have had a recent trigger to make things worse and believe me it is a bad trigger. I am OK once I am asleep but then I wake up I do have ideas of how to end it and I have tried before but failed and I am aware of the consequences of the failure. It is a pisser when u come to and realise one is not dead. Sorry to go on Gemma .. I am heartbroken and i cannot seem to fix myself and noone else can either. Doomed.

[Hidden in reply to Satsuma]

Satsuma call the emergency call line and explain your concerns, You can also call your out of hours GP, they can visit and make you safe if needed

BOB

[Satsuma in reply to Hidden]

Thankyou Hidden I hear you and will send u a pm tomoro .. I am trying to sleep just now. I feel sleepy then I keep waking back up and when I do eventually nod off it is for just two hours at a time

[Stilltrying_]

Oh Satsuma I am so sorry to hear all of this.

I honestly believe that no-one is beyond all help and I do think you can get help with this; talk out your anger over what has happened and things will ease a little bit. It's ridiculous that the psychotherapist said you were out of his league; they should not leave you with nothing.

If the woman at the Samaritans wasn't very helpful try phoning again and you will get someone else; they do vary. Just keep phoning them as many times as you need to.

I do understand what you are saying about being asleep. You are ok when you are unconscious but as soon as you come to you have to face the bad feelings again.

I'm sorry you are so heartbroken. People do care and want to help ;me for one. Perhaps talk out your recent trigger even on here as sometimes writing it out can help. You can always delete later but maybe telling someone will make it feel less of your own burden. x

[Satsuma]

Thank you Stilltrying_ I do not know where to start as there is so much

[Satsuma in reply to Satsuma]

Stilltrying_ can I message u at all please ?

[Stilltrying_ in reply to Satsuma]

Yes that's ok; you can PM me.

[Satsuma in reply to Stilltrying_]

Thank you Gemma x

[Hidden]

Satsuma, I am really sorry you are going through this. It's hard when you don't know what's happening. I found myself just picking up a pen and I didn't know what to write as my problems so I could fix them, so I just started writing what came into my head. Just doing that helped a little to get the jumbled thoughts out of my head. After a few times doing this and with the help of a good friend I started being able to write down my worries and fears and to face them.

Please remember there are people who want to help you and I hope Stilltrying_ has been able to help you. Sometimes just talking to someone who is going through something similar helps.

My friend and I found we were both having difficulties at the same time and we helped each other through our darker days.

Take care and please seek help when you feel really bad.

X

[Satsuma in reply to Hidden]

Thankyou Hidden I have spoken to Stilltrying_ and she has been very helpful My head is such a muddle and at times when I get the suicide attacks they are very strong and very frightening. Today I feel I have gained strength but then later on today I could feel different. Bipolar has one up the wall .. I have severe depression and anxiety aswell. Plus a few other ailments to contend with. It is a long hard battle alone without the constraints of life which I am too battling in varying degrees. Overwhelmed by it all in a negative way I am sorry to say. I feel sometimes I can offload in the way of poetry

[Hidden in reply to Satsuma]

That is really good that you recognise that you can off load by writing poems. I was never very good at that, but I did write one a few years ago when I was feeling frustrated.

Remember you are not alone , you have us on the forum and even if it's going back and re-reading advise that has been given to you or others in the past it may help you stay focused.

Try and reach out before it gets too bad. I learned that with my depression and anxiety and found that it works and that it was better to do it earlier rather than later.

Take care.

[Satsuma in reply to Hidden]

Hidden yes I hear you and thank you for your kind words. The bad moments as u know can be brutal and very overpowering. I am.made up I found this forum. It has helped me to vent and read of others experiences with mental illness. There is a lot of it about

[Hidden in reply to Satsuma]

I am so glad I found this forum as well. I've not only got a lot of useful advise, but I have made new friends as well.

[Satsuma]

That is great. Everyone here knows what it is like to suffer. We are all in the same boat and kind of makes it easier as we know we are not alone

[Doneanddusted]

I understand completely x