Finding it hard to cope

[CNC1910]

Hi,

I'm new to this site and just really need to vent and hear from others that may be in a similar situation. I'll tell you a bit about myself and then what is happening right now. (Apologies for the length!!!)

I've been struggling to cope with everyday life on and off for the last 6 years. Most days I feel like shutting off and just lying in bed. I cry a lot, sometimes I'm not even sure why and I struggle to concentrate on just about anything. I struggle to sleep at night as I just cant seem to get rid of negative thoughts.

When I do try to engage with others or with my work I feel that I am being judged constantly and that everyone around me thinks I am incapable. I get anxious and am prone to panic attacks. I also have a horrible relationship with food, I feel like I use food as a comfort blanket and I know I overeat but cannot seem to find a way to stop even when I know that enough is enough. As a result, I've put on 40kg over the last few years and 20kg just in the last 6 months which has done nothing for my confidence and mood.

I come from a family where mental illness is seen as something that only weak people claim to have. My dad in particular sees those with mental illness as lazy or that they just need to snap out of it. As a result I have never openly discussed my feelings with family or my partner.

I used to think about suicide often, in the past I have attempted suicide but for the last year this seems to have gotten better. I no longer actively think about committing suicide but my attitude towards death is if it happens, it happens. Is this normal??

I have been to my GP several times over the years when I've hit crisis point. I've been prescribed two different SSRI's (citalopram and sertraline) both of which made my sleep even worse and didn't seem to help to improve my symptoms despite being on them for at least 6 months as I thought I would give them time to work. My GP kept increasing my dose but in the end I gave up and resorted to trying to cope myself. Over the time I've also had appointments with a psychiatric nurse to talk through my problems, I found these appointments upset me and made me reflect more on my situation which only worsened my symptoms.

At one point my GP also prescribed diazepam for my anxiety and I found that these helped to calm me down a lot but it obviously wasn't a permanent solution.

I started a new job as a HR generalist two months ago. It's a demanding role that constantly requires a quick response to urgent and unexpected tasks and I struggle to meet my deadlines. I feel like I cant talk to my supervisor because I will be judged and I often leave work crying. Despite being there only two months I have already had to have a week off sick. This week I have struggled to even get myself out of bed. As a result I just didn't turn up to work today. My manager tried to call me and I just shut my phone off, I just couldn't bring myself to speak to her. I feel really guilty and worried about what will happen when I go back. I know not showing up was a really stupid thing to do but I just cant cope anymore.

I have made an appointment with my GP for tomorrow and I have no idea what to even say to them. I feel like I am wasting everybody's time and I just don't know what I can do to pull myself out of this situation.

Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation and how have you managed to cope/ turn things around?

[Hidden]

Hi so sorry to hear what you are going through I have aniexty had it for over 16 months nobody seems to understand not even my husband I cry all the time and most of the time not sure what I am crying for, my husband works away and hate been on my own

[LoriMS61]

Hi CNC,

Welcome to the community. My best advice about how to handle the GP. Take your post with you. You have gotten across how you feel very well.

When you write something down you have the chance to compose your sentences and meaning in the most succinct but accurate way. You have the time. Show him/her your post.

Reading your post was in so many ways like looking in a mirror. I don't know how long I have had depression for. My Mum seems to think I've struggled with it since I was a teen. I haven't been depressed for all of that time. I seem to have episodes that are triggered.

I too comfort eat. I call it feeding my feelings. It's something I'm working on, but it's a tough battle. Maybe someone else can offer us both a suggestion? I joined a gym and see a fitness trainer, but as I too started a new job last week I have only been once. I'm trying to do Couch to 5k. So far I'm able to quickly walk 3k in 55 mins. I can run, but not for a consistent period of time.

Being outside can also be really beneficial. I ate my breakfast on a lounger in my back garden this morning because now that I'm working in an office I don't get to be outside as much.

I appreciate that you don't feel like you can tell your family how you feel, but you definitely need to tell your work and your partner. Your partner needs to be there for you through the good and the bad. And your work need to know what's going on so that they can help you.

What if, once you tell your manager that you are struggling with deadlines and the workload, they reduce the workload for you and slowly increase it when you feel more confident?

I'm not offering advice on medication, but I too have had both of those ADs in the past, and they didn't help me either. I'm on Venlafaxine now, and it has made such a difference! We don't all respond to medications the same way, and it sounds like they just hadn't found the right ones yet.

From what you've said, it sounds like your experience of talking therapy wasn't ideal. I would ask to see a counsellor. Mine was amazing (you can read my previous posts by clicking on my name).

1. Show your post to your Doctor. Get signed off. Try a new AD and ask for talking therapy.

2. Call work or email them. It'll only get worse the longer you leave it. Right down a script of what you want to say if this makes you feel more in control.

3. Do something that makes you happy. Watch a TV program, read a book, listen to happy music, sit outside. Be kind to yourself.

Lori

[Hidden]

You need to get people around you who understand mental illness. You are in a really isolated situation and have nobody to talk to which can make things worse. Getting better isn't just about taking pills, you have to be able to talk and talk also. So you think maybe a doctor could give you some info on local groups or anything?

Yes go back to your doctor and get signed off work. To be honest it sounds as if you are too ill to deal with it at the moment. Going through avoidance and denile only comes back to bite you harder in the long run anyhow.

[Hidden]

Hi

I am sos sorry to hear how you feel.

I am pleased that you're seeing your dr. I had to try lots of antidepressants before I found one that suited me and helped my mood.

Maybe your job is part of the problem, as its demanding and dealing with problems? If I were you I might try to look into changing my job.

Also, don't listen to your father either, this problem is world wide. Is he part of your problem.

I do understand that constantly talking about issues can bring you down.

I feel the same sometimes, as I was abused and sexually assaulted and don't want constantly to be reminded of it. We need to try to move forward and try to live and control our lives. Have you tried yoga and positive listening tapes. I try to think of good things in my life and see myself doing things I want to do and being happy. I then strive to do it.mi find trying to help myself makes me feel I'm trying and as I'm ill too it does help me.

Just take it one day at a time, maybe take a break from work and think of what you really would like to do with your life.

You don't say if your married,Mohave children etc.

If you don't then the worlds yours for the taking!

Good luck and all the best.

[chloe40]

Hello there, welcome to Action on Depression, our friendly forum members are sure to support and offer excellent information.

Chloe