How do I stay safe?

[Rontgen]

I am feeling so desperately low at the moment that I am finding it increasingly difficult to not self harm, severely or take a huge overdose.  I can't cope with what I am going through and what attacks i am getting.  I want to die but what about my elderly mother, son, dogs  and other family members  who just say I am useless and a waste of space to put it mildly? 

[Hidden]

Hi I am sorry your family obviously don't understand and I think it's awful of them to call you names like this.  It sounds like they can't cope with how you are but they should be more supportive.

Are you on any meds and/or doing any counselling?   Is it helping?    You must make an appointment with your doctor asap.  If you are feeling awful and need to take action now there should be an out of hours service you can ring,  or how about the samaritans? 

If this is urgent you need to take yourself to a place of safety ie A and E.   I know that's not nice but your safety is paramount.   Keep talking to us all here and we will do our best to help.   Bev x

[Photogeek]

Sorry your feeling so bad, who in your family is saying those nasty things to

You? Ignore them, you are ill and should not feel guilty at all. Thus Forum is

Full of people like this, Would you think of going to A& E ? 

What would you like to happen? What do you think would help you?

I also agree with everything Bev has said and I didn't want to reinvent the wheel.

Hannah

[Rontgen in reply to Photogeek]

Mum was making the comments when she already knows how suicidal i feel.  She says she is tired of me being so selfish !!!    I had her and a fraud case of £5,000 being taken from my account by several betting sites !!! I have never gambled in my life !  I have self harmed before and attempted suicide many times.  Once i nearly made it.  Hospital said i was the closest to death than any other patient that they had to keep resuscitating and intubating and then closely watching whilst in a coma in intensive care. I was not grateful  ! My son was called back from university as they thought i was dying.  He had to repeat the year cos of me.  Mum started on at me at about 10am and fraud case until she went to bed at 7pm.   I had made a plan to drink and take overdose but have just over-medicated, drunk and comfort ate and stroked dogs.  Calmer for now but will all start again with my son on the phone telling me what to do about fraud as well as mum  !!!

[Hidden in reply to Rontgen]

Hi do you live with your mum then?  And your son?  Is there any way you can move away from your mother?    I don't think it is helping you to be around your family when they are treating you like this.  x

[Rontgen in reply to Hidden]

I have always lived with my mother, even as a single parent after rape.  My son has left home last November and is living with my sister in London to be near his 2 jobs.  He may move nearer to me and his friends though cos wants them and his own shared flat with them, like being at university again.  Mum treats me like her baby some of the time then her carer the rest of the time.  i don't know if i am coming or going.  Mental health should make her my carer but she says that would make me feel like a victim.  I can't cope alone, too scared and not prepared after being home all my life.  Miss my son but he is hard work too as he has ADHD, dyspraxia, Aspergers and dyslexia.  We were both bullied as kids.  He was suicidal at 8yrs old cos kids and staff bullied him.  Last time i tried to drive over to a friend's house to get away from them but so upset i hit a big pot hole and went under a large van, writing my beautiful, old car off, now share mum's, also with son, when he is home.  No confidence to eave.

[Photogeek in reply to Rontgen]

Why are you being so influenced by your Mother, you need to get

Away from her. The fraud , Police would be best. Suicide is not

The answer.

[Rontgen in reply to Photogeek]

Lived with her all my life. I am scared of coping alone, anxiety, like being institutionalised, i know no different and couldn't care for myself.  I don't know how to use washing machine, iron, microwave, everything scares me, especially phone and stress like this fraud case. Might b tipping point for me.

[Hidden]

Yes I would also say to distance yourself from your mum for a bit. If she knows how fragile you are why is she putting you down more, she is the one being selfish. That isn't normal behaviour considering you are so low.

[Rontgen]

She kept taking over handling fraud case cos i am useless, mentally ill, got to face up to it, i just take so much then want to escape anyway i can, even suicide seems better when she pressurises me so much.  She says she loves me but tough love.  Counsellor in the past lol when i said she loved me.    Thanks all i will go to bed with my 2 dogs and try to sleep but keep having terrible nightmares and wetting myself and get PTSD  in day too.

[Hidden]

Hi maybe one reason you are so ill is because of your mothers influence over the years?  She has far too much power over you and shouldn't have at your time of life.   Would you qualify for supported living?    Do you have a social worker or any help in perhaps moving on?   It doesn't mean you wouldn't see your mother but you could escape her when you needed to.   What are you going to do when she goes?   x

[Hidden]

Sounds to me like it's your Mum who has the problem, you need to move forward away from those that put you down, if they really loved you they would support you not belittle you! You say you couldn't cope on your own ? You will surprise yourself!When you are told a lie often enough even the strongest of us end up believing it, You are you No one else! You have to live your life not the life your mother seems to be forcing you to live! Even though she probably means well,be you stand up for yourself and really LIVE! You can do it . Tell yourself and mean it that will be the start to you becoming an individual a person in your own right ,honestly you do not need people putting you down when you already feel down you need support I really wish I could help you reach a point where you feel strong and able to cope on your own which I am sure you can! Good luck and please take no notice of them that belittle you it says more of their deficiencies than yours all the best Derek

[Rontgen]

As mum has cared for me all my life, she expects me to care for her until the grave, then i can inherit her house, much to my siblings anger and jealously.  I am totally reliant on her.  I have no confidence in moving out or even moving on.  I have a community psychiatric nurse but she wants to write me off cos i do not move on but stay stuck as a "sick" person.  So she says stay under your doctor then, they are for sick people.  Mental health is supposed to be about "recovery" now but how do you do that when you have a biological, chemical imbalance and have inherited a life long condition and lived with those who also have the same condition, which has affected all my family members from my dad's mum down?

I called out for help to my cousins today, one spoke to me, the other to mum.

I still want to die.

That may be selfish of me but that is all i can feel atm.

Nothing matters to me.  I don't care about anything.

I can't concentrate on anything but how and when?

My dogs stayed in bed with me and guarded me with growls at mum when she came near me.  She thought they would bite to protect me.  They nearly did last time when paramedics asked her to remove the dogs.  They give unconditional love.

I wish people were more like them

Please don't worry about me.  I may just very heavily over medicate to sleep and get a good long rest oblivious to her and the noisy, stressful world that i uselessly can't cope with anymore

Night all  XXX

[AmeliaIvy]

Suicide isn't selfish in my opinion. Its upsetting that people believe this is the only way out of a black hole which they cant see the light at the end of it yet. Your mum sounds selfish. This is a situation you'll have to stand up for yourself and put her in her place. Have you had a look at hostels near where you live? It's not ideal but that way, you'll have you independence and be away from your mother and believe me, it'll help. It'll be scary at first but you'll get used to it and cope just as well and better over time. There is people who care about you and even though you feel like you're on your own, they'll be someone somewhere praying for you and hoping you'll get better even if they say nothing to you. Take care xx

[Hidden]

Hi well if you feel this way living at home and just want to die then it isn't the right environment for you.   What have you got to lose by moving away then?  It has got to be better than being in the situation you are in.  

You are not useless at all,  you have just spent a lifetime being told you are.   Learning to cope on your own at your age is harder than doing it when you are younger,  but why not try it?    There are pros and cons with everything and I think once you got over the shock of it you might start to enjoy your life more.   It would take time though.  Maybe you could go back to your counsellor and ask for their help in moving out and forward?  Do you think they would be willing to help you with this?  

Your counsellor obviously things that they can't do anything more for you whilst you are living in that toxic environment making excuses why you can't leave.  Because that's what they are - excuses.   You will learn to manage though I am not saying it will be easy,  but being independent isn't.   But your self esteem will benefit enormously once you realise you are not stupid or dependant and can learn to look after yourself. 

Something to think about?   x

[Stilltrying_]

Rontgen, I am concerned for you. It sounds like basically you are feeling overwhelmed by the situation you find yourself in and the feelings you have. I can certainly relate to feeling overwhelmed by things and being  vulnerable as you are. 

The situation you describe of having got pregnant after rape must have been devastating for you even though I know that was a long time ago.  I can understand as well what you are saying about feeling that this personality you have and the situation you have is almost like impossible to leave in a positive way; some of this you need to realise is because you are just feeling so overwhelmed. I often feel like this ; that I am intrinsically just "damaged" and it would be kinder to kill me off but I do think that this is an exaggerated feeling. You are someone who is suffering and needs help that is the truth of it.

No easy answers I'm afraid. I hope you feel able to keep posting; the fact that you are means that you are still looking for a more positive way of dealing with the situation. It's easy for me to say but please try not to give up hope. Maybe think of one thing which you feel could improve your situation. Write it down or tell someone. Is there anything at all which could make you feel better? If so then it's worth waiting for and working towards. If not then I know that is harder; just try and hold on. As for what "ThatLawren" said me neither  I don't believe that suicide is a selfish action either but it would be such a terrible shame for you to have reached that conclusion wherein there may be something or someone out there which could help or turn your world around. I'm praying for you and for all those who feel suicidal, including myself. I often feel like that but I haven't given up hope yet as I hope you will not either. 

Even though I don't know you sending hugs your way.

Gemma xxx

[lawlaw99]

I totally get you  feel the same  have come on here to find comfort n help trying so hard to not to die my poor kids been thru enough but feel so so bad  its so shitty feeling constant pain   hope u get help lovely 

[Rontgen]

Sorry but did OD in the end.  Mum found me and thought i was dead.  She called for an ambulance but sent a cousin with me and stayed with another cousin.  They got feedback.  I was in A & E for a day, then Critical Decisions Unit for a day, then sectioned for 4 days in a psychiatric ward.  My son and mother visited me there and she and a friend brought me home when i was released.  

I am still very low but the crisis team are happy that i am not actively suicidal atm so do not need to visit me at home again. Will see my community psychiatric nurse tomorrow.  

Fraud case still ongoing.  Mother asked for a letter to say that i am not fit to deal with this atm but crisis team think that this is unlikely but say I should have had discharge papers that prove that i was in hospital at least.  May say i am "better" now but not ready for more stress again.

Family been ringing, one supportive, one verbally attacking me for upsetting my mother, son, them and others!!!  I put phone in lap.  They rang again and i let mother answer but heard her try to defend me and say genetics, problems, deep depression and she feels to blame as being the last straw.

All family from my father's mother down have inherited mental health problems of mainly serious depression.  it is an illness not a coward's way out or an attention seeker !!!