1St post Mom fighting depression for so long.

[My3destiny]

Hi, I have never talked open ly about my depression but I'll try to shorten my long story and apologize for the length. 19 us ago I had my 1st child bad pregnancy and right after had effects of damage to my lumbar spine. Being so young we tend to let things go well, eventually a Dr did a huge surgery on me and that's when my life went down hill. pain over camey life and I was on depression medicine of every brand u name it I had it along with a few pain meds. I just walked through life for u yrs till my 2nd child ce along and the pain after escalated leaving me in an area my family noticed I was slipping on reality, I forced myself off of the meds and I knew they were making me lower and I was feeling numb and couldn't laugh anymore u that take those meds gotta get that?? Dr's were so off from saying pain was in my head to all in me a drug seeker when I'm the one forcingyself off them. So my 2nd son was about 2 yrs and I had to go checkyself into a place for 11 days I was depressed to the point I felt every e would be better without my crap and so after 11 days I left and decided to stop all antidepressants and Xanax and sleeping pills (with pain meds)ect... for my babys. A few yrs I just put on that smile and hid my thoughts and we all know our family don't deserve to see us that way so since I wasn't working sue to my back I slept all day my 2nd boy started kindergarten so I could hide my sleeping till only minutes before the bus was here I'd hide it all. 3 yrs later my 3rd son came and I still was dr doctorING my pain with many procedures and higher meds and yet I never allowed myself back on antidepressants because of what they almost made do . Some of u may feel depression meds are a must but I really feel theyade me worse. Yeah I slept all day but I also had those highs and lows they hurty family worse. Well I'll jump forward to what I do at home I have painted my entire life , crafts and diany shows in the last 19 yrs but took a 6 yr pd off due to high anxiety fearing to leave my home not allowing anyone to come by because I didn't clean and the embarrassment was so terrible and when I did go out I'd have anxiety attacks if I'd be around people this all started about 4yrs ago. Somehow I had a blessing and a miracle I found happiness and a resin to live and paint again why I didn't ask then one day I was standing on a 3ft ladder decorating for my nieces sweet 16 and I fell shattering my tibia plateau in one instance everyone watched Me ,mom,wife,daughter,sister, disappear. The set back took over 2 yrs fore to walk again at half potential I gained weight like never before with the lack of energy and movement. I gave up on physical the app from the embarrassment of being fat in a therapy pool. You have to remember i e been hiding publicly for over 5 yrs and To know me everyone still remembered An outgoing light up the room, funny,long haired snappy dresser,loved dancing ,loved people girl. Even tgrough 16 yrs of depression when i was in public thats what they saw , that person completely disapeared and getting up to date guys , I have been dealing the last 2 yrs with a recurring depression /anxiety/fear of failure/ laziness/ sleeping all the time life. And I've had enough, here's my senario I try to explain to people that don't get me. " I am hanging off a cliff and cant see bottom , I see so my hands reaching out to pull me up yelling grab me I'm here, but I look away and don't want to grab I don't want pulled off the cliff , yet at the same time I really don't wanna let go a fall. So what do u do when u have help all around but won't take it and you rather hang there bloody fingers and all. My kids are suffering the most they don't have an outgoing mom that smiles and plays, they only see mom's in bed again, mom won't go out, mom won't let us have friends over because she is embarrassed of our home ect ect.... I guess I reached out to a forum for the 1st tell because I have no one else to tell. I've watched time slip through my fingers, life wasted on sleeping and feelinghopeless. This past Xmas I started to paint again excited and had my MOJO back I sat for pds of 10 or more hrs painting everyday really I was myself again, 2 weeks before Xmas I woke up one morning and couldn't walk with the worst pain imaginable, yup it was my back I over worked and stressed myself out I sevwrely herniated my L5 disc meds and time took sweet g down after 3 weeks of no walking or sleep I decided against surgery to wait, the problem was that all my feeling of empowerment and painting and MOJO was all flushed away and I have lost myself again I have orders soany and now all I do is sleep and worry . This depression roller coaster I am on is slowly killing me I'm so lost and can't kick this I need a way to get back to my priorities. I told u the past 19 yrs have been complicated way more than I've told here but I just am asking if there is a way to get out on my own to stop the cycle I've been on and on top of all this I am a Christian and God is important yet I feel ashamed to talk to him directly anymore. I know depression for everyone e is so unique and how we handle it is unique but I'm at that stage again ,those crossroads . Thanks of anyone took time to read this. Writing it is easier than saying it.

[ladeda]

Hi Destiny, you have struggled so long and so hard and over those years have still managed to excel within yourself, being creative nurturing and someone who is very much loved because of who you became.

Pain management is your priority and I hope you can receive plenty of support from your GP, I had great results using a TENS machine when I damaged my back which at the time through me into a pit of depression just because of the immobility of it all.

I am not a religious person but as you are please don't be afraid to approach that community for support, prayer can be comforting in times of need, as long as you don't start to judge yourself if you feel they go unanswered. Compassion is a very strong emotion and at this time you need to direct it inwardly, be understanding and sympathetic to your own needs and slowly but surely realise you can again pick yourself up from this and let the strong and vibrant side of you return.

You have said that you have suffered for so long, but its been intermittent and the trouble is that when back in a bad spell it can seem that its more normal than being happy, it's just much harder to recall all those good periods when you need them most.

Try to sit with the family and ask them nicely for help to get the house straight again, sometimes long term planning is better than a blitz, but any little start on attacking the problem is better than trying to forget it exists until it gets overwhelming.

These days we are just left to cope with life anyway we can, compared to years ago when family helped each other much more, even in my parents time there used to be home helps and house calls for support, its little wonder that we now have such an increase in mental health issues, as we are not only left to get on with it but feel we are failures when things get so difficult we don't know how to cope.

Try to be strong hun, you can recover again just take things slow but sure, do what you can each day and what ever you have managed that day, tell yourself it was a good start and build on that. Best wishes and I hope your painting again soon xxx

[Hidden]

Very well said there ladeda, you are in my opinion very right in saying that you have to get your pain management sorted as your 1st priority, then only when you are comfortable with your pain management do you try the next step. Whether this be doing some painting (for a short while) or doing a little housework. Try and set yourself targets, (easily reachable) but don't criticise yourself if you fail, just think to yourself I will try a little bit more tomorrow. Remember one small step at a time.

You say you are a Christian and that God is important to you, do you or did you attend church? Could this be one of your targets? Don't feel ashamed to talk (pray) directly to him, he will understand what you have been going through but as ladeda said don't judge yourself if your prayers seem to be unanswered ( he is very busy and there are over 7 billion of us on this little old planet )

Do you get out of your house at all? Could this be one of your targets? Even if it's only for a drive in a car or a walk in the garden.

Take care of yourself and PLEASE post back on here how you are doing whether good or bad. We can try and be your "hidden" friends.

[lydia21]

Hey what have you been doing since you posted this?

Practical suggestions

1. Ring a cleaning company locally and ask for three hours of cleaning a week - it will probably cost you £30 but it will be fabulous to have a clean kitchen and lounge and just concentrate on the downstairs as no one should come upstairs.

2. Try to get some help to get moving out of bed and walk for ten minutes outside. Look at other people's front gardens to rest in between walking. Take one of your children out with you, make it a special ten minutes to talk to them about their feelings school or whatever group,programme etc they like.

3. Cuddle up On my way! the sofa or in bed with one of them and ask to see some of their school work. Something they are struggling with or something they are proud of. Then listen to some of their favourite music, programme etc.

Have a try and let me know how it goes , oh and try colouring as this can be done in bed!