I sit here. Here is nowhere. Depressed? I don't even know what that word means. Empty, with no place to go, no love, lost, futureless, angry, hurt, scared, alone, isolated, misunderstood, mistrusting, frustrated, confused, vague, deeply empty, yes, now those are real. I detest that word depression, because it is a label, not me. I am all those other descriptive words, all wrapped up in one man.
I fought for 55 years to rise above my circumstances of birth. And I succeeded, outwardly. I grew up in hell, and I fought a war to correct the damage. I educated myself, earned a good living, kept myself fit and healthy, did not become an alcoholic or drug addict. I paid my bills, learned manners, respect, humility, traveled the world, showed interest in others, was friendly, sincere, and followed the "golden rule".
All to no avail.
The one thing I desired, someone who understood me and accept me, eluded me. Now I am getting old.
I am afraid. Because I am losing my strength. I am falling. My energy is giving way. I am losing faith.
I don't need a pep talk. I don't need trite words. I don't need sympathy. I need a future.
I need love. I would try my very best to love back. And I am humble enough to even be taught what love is, in case I don't know what it is.
What is most disturbing is I am becoming less scared now.
I apologize if my spelling or grammar is poor, I write this without the energy to review or correct.
To you, with failing hands I throw......................
Hi I hope you read this. I notice that your post was only 1 hour later than this one. The site can be quiet at times but if you hadn't deleted your account then you would have been replied to I am sure,
I am not sure what you wanted from us though? I for one don't know what to make of your statement
I don't need a pep talk. I don't need trite words. I don't need sympathy. I need a future'
No one can give you a future except yourself. No one on here would give you a pep talk, trite words or sympathy. Did you just want someone to emphasise with you? To share what depression means to each of us? To share? Advice? Support?
It would be great if you could come back in and let us know what you would like from us please... x
You are the one to make and change your future.no one will just walk up and say hi I love you.55 is not old you can still travel meet it is lonley somtimes travelling I did Asia for nearly 3 years maybe searching or just looking I did not find any one. I met people I've women that I connected with when I got home.then I bumped into someone and have been with her for ten years and have a 5 year old girl.all on the back of what I used to say I'm never having kids I'm never settling down.this is a future that I thought I would never have but I'm living it now.what are your social circles like are you with any groups.what I found is it is hard to love and be loved if you put up walls and that's what I did for so many years.even if it's just companionship that you get.love somtimes is over-rated and just been is ok.keep looking maybe define a little out of what your after.a friend of my partner is v v v picky what it comes to me guess what she is on her own.good luck and enjoy looking.
You say that you outwardly seem ok. l too hide my real feelings , l only trust the ones who l am sure will love and support me. ln doing this though, maybe people who do not really know me, view me as aloof and self centred. Really, l am scared of rejection.
Maybe we all feel like that - to a degree.
Maybe you could ask for help ? lt takes great bravery to admit we are not ok.
As for your writing skill, l thought you explained yourself brilliantly.
Maybe you becoming less scared is due to wisdom ,which only comes with age, not that you are old. l am a similar age and feel that l have gained wisdom over the years with situations which are out of our control but we still have to deal with.
Maybe if you don't look for love - it will find you.
Your successes have made you the person you are today. Even though you are in emotional pain, no one can take those away from you. They may very well be the thing that brings love your way. I was very alone in my late 30s and decided to do on-line dating. I met my husband of 12 years, and it is who we are as individuals that makes us a great couple.
I'm no doctor, but if you were my friend, I'd tell you I think you have depression and to please go to a doctor. The diagnosis of depression is no more a label than the diagnosis of heart disease, and if you can get help, you're life will be so much better.
"ALL to no avail"?? You are showing black-and-white thinking; catastrophising. Try to moderate your thoughts i.e. if you feel you have failed, try also to seek and think about something in your life where you *have* succeeded, to moderate your well-being. If you sit and beat yourself up over 'ifs' 'wants' 'what-ifs' 'Im 55' then this will surely send anyone (of any age) crazy and losing faith in themselves and life!
Paying bills doesn't qualify anyone for a good life, or make you a good person, or bring you happiness. It is what you do within and without that gives you that feeling. I wouldn't rely on the HMRC to give you a pat on the back and to tell you what a nice chap you are! (you will have a long wait)....
It seems possible to me that you are in a low mood for some reason and are talking yourself into the ground over it. Life is like that sometimes for all of us - rich, poor, good, bad. Sometimes another person's words or advice or company will help; other times they might feel crass or trite. But ultimately we have to seek and find what works for us as individuals, whatever that might be. Giving-up or sabotaging your own happiness is not an option I'd recommend.
If you are looking for advise or help (which I assume you are as you have written in this forum) then I would suggest discussing your concerns with a GP, and/or therapist of counsellor. If you DO still enjoy some things on your life, find time to do more of them.
Try to be honest about any environmental influences that may be adding-to or causing your low feelings. Discuss these with someone you can trust. Try to let people help you.
Dont accuse anyone of being trite if they are only trying to help you as you will just isolate yourself even more for no good reason. Noone is perfect; people aren't perfect; including those who might wish to try to help you.
The 'anger' you speak of is possibly the most destructive emotion that will damage you further. Best to try to talk about that and resolve it or moderate it in some way. The other emotions are normal and not so harmful (even thought they are unpleasant, they don't mutate like internal anger does).
Others will judge you in the matter of love from how you behave to them. If you are as humble and open as you say you are.... it will come. If not, then it will be almost impossible to find.
None is judging you. Noone has the right to judge you. But it sounds like you are judging yourself extremely harshly, and this is not helping you move forward to the future you say you want.
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Don't know where I'm going, who I am or what my purpose is
I am broken and don’t know what to do. 
I am living in a very stressful house...
Am I wrong?
Why am I such a bitch?
