Where do i start? Ive been trying on a couple of previous post and then i clam up trying to reply. Here I am again, fighting this demon inside my head, the little shit that i can't block out. He nips nips and nips until i scream leave me alone.
I joined college in January this year to study social sciences and to actually pull myself together, make new friends and go forward to a better and positive future. I even agreed to join the gym, and the swimming both thinking this is definitely a positive step in the right direction. Feeling positive for the first time, or was I? Am I really just running away from the real issue... Me? That demon? And my thoughts?
Since summer last year, I have fought with this shit in my head, you see he wants me to kill myself... Yes hes a suicidal bully. I've noticed i've been spending time with my close ones, the only ones i have left, but yet again feel like there is a sheet of glass between myself and them. I won't let them in, I don't want them to see how low and vulnerable i really am.
As far as they are concerned im getting there, but am not, and am not because i have this demon that feels like hes pulling a lever and reminding me i fucked my life up after losing mum, i hurt the person who i love, and i feel i can no longer keep battling with this emotion and him. I've pleaded with my psychiatrist and my psychologist about this and im hitting the brick wall.
Everyday, im writing a letter to a friend, or family member putting it in a folder and leaving this folder hidden. I know what its for its for if anything happens to me / if this demon torments me enough to take my life. Im not afraid of dying doesn't scare me in the slightest and thats always been a worry to some people, but i need them to know its not their fault, I just can't cope anymore thats all.
Yes it might be a cowardly way to leave, specially when i had my mum who fought to stay alive right up to her last dying breath and here i am, not scared to take my life.
You see i have already planned this, but im not ready just quite yet. I have to make sure everyone has their letter and it all has to be clear just in case.
Im fed up now feeling like this and it has to stop. Medication is just a fraction of help, it does help a wee bit. Im not ready for support groups. Im now wondering if I've forced myself too soon to go to college...
I no longer feel in control of me
David
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dnd149
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Dave Hun, if the drugs are not working the first question is "is the dose right?" And the second is "is it the right med?"
I suggest you go ask for a doctors review. As for support groups - they are not part of everyone's management plan - but one trustworthy person can be. Is there a lecturer or tutor at college who you could speak to?
I have added a reply at the bottom. I'm definitely not ready to go to a support group and be let out beside all the sharks... I know they aren't sharks but that's how i will feel. I'm back at the doctors tomorrow after what happened at the weekend.
I've been building up a support network of people i can trust, but right now i can't trust anyone, because i can't trust me. Maybe am too hard on myself but thats the truth.
Hey, I get the feeling about not trusting self. Had a bad attack of that a few weeks ago. Had to do some serious self talk to get back on track. I'm just bloody grateful my meds are working again (even if it means no alcohol, restricted caffiene and early nights!).
I was lucky, the friends who I expressed my distrust to stuck in there - they have seen me go through this loop before. When I am in that state I have to accept they perhaps know me better than I know myself.
I completely can relate to that, there is one person just now that i can say knows me from who i used to be and can still see the old me through this frightened and emotional person who i don't true. I'm going to speak to the doctors im going to be off the alcohol after this weekend. It was a weekend planned to go away from home be anonymous with myself and my brother and friend and just have a good time. Im putting a lot of trust n them to look after me. But they said they wouldnt have suggested it if they did not think i could do it.
Im really sorry to hear about your attack some vile and cruel people out there.
David
Cruse Bereavement might help you with your Mum - and it is a telephone service
Im going to speak to the psychologist she is doing something deeper at the moment so will see what she says. But i really do appreciate you helping me im going to speak to her about this...
I believe that you are reaching out on here because this is not something you want to do; you just cannot stand that unbearable pain. I have posted stuff below from getselfhelp. co.uk. There is more stuff on there too.
I can see your photo and dare I say it this may seem very superficial but you are nice looking for one thing!
Things pile up inside our heads; you haven't said whether you've been to doctors, but obviously that is a first thing for you to try and get the right meds.
Secondly we are here to support; you have done the right thing by reaching out.
I do believe that you can get over this and this will pass with the right help. I have been at that point when I've written letters and so forth and have managed to progress from that place and am so glad I didn't do it.
Please feel free to PM me. I may not respond immediately as I am out during the days but please feel free either to post up on here or PM. I am really pleased you have asked for help. Gemmalouise x
COPING WITH SUICIDAL THOUGHTS
There are times in life when we might feel totally, hopeless, helpless,
overwhelmed with emotional pain. It can seem like there is no other
way out of our problems, we've run out of ideas, possible solutions.
Our problems seem unfixable. The pain feels like it will never end. We
believe we've run out of options, and suicide is the only answer left.
Maybe the suicidal thoughts come to mind, and you might have mixed
feelings about them. They can be frightening and confusing.
For some people, suicide may be a way of getting back at others, or showing them how
much pain you're in. But after suicide, you won't be there to see that they feel guilty,
or finally understand your pain.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Feelings will pass. Depression feels permanent, but it's transient. Things will change.
Depression comes, and it goes.
Depression and pain distort our thinking. It can seem like we're
wearing very dark tinted 'gloomy specs'. Everything looks different
to how it really is. Thoughts are thoughts - not necessarily how
things are, although it certainly feels like the thoughts are true.
Thoughts affect the way we feel, and thoughts and feelings affect the
way we react, what we do
Suicidal thoughts can result when we experience too much pain, without having enough
resources to cope.
We therefore have two ways to get us through this
horrible time:
Reduce the pain
Increase coping resource
.
IMMEDIATE STEPS
Take one step at a time
Take things a little at a time. Set out to get through the next day, the next week
or month, perhaps the next hour or even less. Tell yourself: "I've got through
so far, I can get through the next hour".
Distraction
Do something else, and focus your attention fully on what you're doing, e.g.
Gardening
Household chores
Physical exercise - walk, run, cycle, dance
Tapping (Emotional Freedom Technique)
Reading - magazine, self help book
Television
Seek out a supportive discussion forum on the internet
Learn something new on the internet
Imagery
Help someone else
Go to the park, the beach - pay attention to nature
Visit someone
Music
Stroke a pet
DIY
Feed the birds
Talk to someone - now!
A friend or family member
A telephone helpline (E.g. Samaritans 08457 90 90 90)
A health professional
Go somewhere you'll feel safe - be with other people
Go to the local Accident & Emergency department
Call the local emergency number (E.g. 999, 112, 911)
Sorry I can see now having read your other posts what meds you are on and what your situation has been. Please try and hang on as getting the meds right could make a big difference. Agree completely that contacting the CRUSE bereavement line would seem like a good move.
thank you for taking the time out for you reply. Im touched by how many people actually care and offer support on here. I expected backlash and abuse. I feel semi safe on here. Obviously i wouldnt open myself to be expose totally vulnerable.
I speak to the health professional when i get into this state of panic or as my GP refers to its a manic episode. I immediately get in the car and get away from where and how am feeling and go to my sisters or my grandparents. They know something is wrong but they wont ask and i wont tell them.
The less they know the better because they are so judgmental.
I'm still here, like yourself still trying, and after the support on here i will be sticking to this website on a regular basis.
David, really sorry to hear that you are struggling so much.
Some people find that having a suicide plan in place actually helps them because they know they have an out when it gets really unbearable.
Your post has details of your suicide plan - I have reported this and would ask that you edit your post to delete that section, as I believe it is in contravention of some of the forum rules, probably because of the danger that it might 'inspire' a copy cat ... I'm not expressing myself very well.
There have been times when I've trawled the internet for ideas on ways of doing the final dead and just found it really frustrating that I couldn't really find anything - though it does mean that I'm still here and whilst that doesn't always feel like a good thing to me I'm sure it feels like a good thing to my family and friends.
Have you talked to anyone at college about how you are feeling? They may be able to slow some of the course work down so you can cope better. I think I've told you that my problems with suicidal thoughts come from being a bit stressed and it's just my brain's rather ham-fisted way of telling me I'm feeling a bit stressed. I used to get into anxiety loops about it where the thoughts would come almost constantly but it is possible to get over that - and once I'd figured out how it wasn't nearly as difficult as I thought.
I still miss my dad after more than 10 years and all she will have wanted is for you to feel happy. Don't compare your anxiety imp with her brave struggle against cancer. They are totally different things. Your anxiety imp is your cancer and actually you are doing a good job of fighting him off at the moment.
My brother says that it takes at least two people to cause an accident - one to make a mistake and one not to notice ... and I think it is a bit like that with relationships. Relationships do have troubled times and people do get hurt - that's just life - but there is usually a way to repair them ... except that sometimes we don't notice what is going on. What I'm trying to say is that whatever happened with the person you hurt, they will have played some part in what happened - it wasn't just you.
Im absolutely gutted. I had written a reply to everyone but i went in the shower before your reply and everyone elses below and its not saved
I didnt speak to the college as im fine with the course work am on an level keel with it. Im actually one of the higher pupils in the class and not having so much trouble thankfully.
thank you for the words about the relationship that opened my eyes, and i re read that today in a different frame of mind. thank you for that its true and i've copied that into work i have to do for college. Hope you don't mind me doing this.
I understand the pain i feel for my mum i will never lose, i will just find a way to deal with it better. I actually have a tattoo dedicated to her
when i first hit the lowest, the self harming and overdosing, the doctors release me saying i was just an emotional human being. MY argument with them was aren't all humans emotional ?
I pleaded with the doctors to book me into the Royal Edinburgh (mental institution) but they refused because i could have a normal conversation. In a way I wish i was admitted because i wonder if i would be much further on than getting passed from pillar to post left right and centre.
I have decided and I think college is going to be my therapy. I've looked at it in a different light to when i first wrote this blog. I see now i have the chance to pull out this feeling Ive hidden under the skeleton closet and project it out to others how i am really feeling I feel I have the chance to eject this out.
If it fails i need to remember not to be too hard on myself.
Third time writing this now my computer is playing up another thing to add on to the list of problems eh... But hey its replaceable im not.
I will keep trying and i will keep writing on here. I got an amazing strength from no where apart from reading the replies back from people who understood what was going on. It was overwhelming.
I can write and write and write until my hearts content or it can be the completely opposite. There is no middle level with me. This is where the imbalance is and its something im going to be addressing with the GP tomorrow. I was speaking to and old friend of mine who works in the pharmacy and hes noticed my mood going boom high wallop low and no happy medium. He wanted to check my prescription and like many people on here he has urged me to go back to the GP as the med at counteracting he thinks but can not say for definite and has advise i seek a second opinion..
The Gym and swimming both i love doing and feel better after fighting mr demon inside. He makes me feel like a loser having to go to the gym to tone up, feel better about myself to the point am almost crying or on the verge of crying. But once its done i can not tell you the uplift i get from doing it. I just need to persevere. Something that im not the best at at the moment.
Im sticking in well at college even though last week i was on the verge of a breakdown i passed everything and one of the top person in the majority of my classes. This was a massive boost from last week. But baby steps is the key.
Good on ye David, shows you've got a lot of inner strength by pushing yourself to keep going to the gym, instead of taking the easy way out and lock yourself away from anything and everything like so many of us do... I'm one of them!
And you reap the rewards coz it's a fact that exercise makes you feel better coz of the endorphins it releases etc., so give yourself a pat on the back for those things!!
I know, this site is great, we all understand what we go through, and even just writing down how you feel can make you feel just that bit better, just getting it out..
A problem shared is a problem halved, as the saying goes!
This site has been an amazing support for me too, and I've made s few really good
friends through it!
Keep doing what you're doing, and hope you feel a bit better every day.. And don't
worry if you feel you go back the way for a few days, that's just the way it goes sometimes
isn't it, one (baby)step forward, two steps back..
But I think it's amazing how you persevere and keep going to college feeling the way you did,
you really are a strong individual..
Keep yer chin up, hope today has been a good day for you,
Im still a member of the gym, not been using it tho but i will in time. I think this site is brilliant. Sorry been away a couple of days. Was seeing the MHCT trying to find out whats going on. I find out next week as apparently my psychiatrist has the diagnoses ready... (not how they say it but you get my drift). MHCT have advised that its BPD, and my medication will most likely change to stabilisers instead of depression meds, and also keep taking the anti psychotics.
But weary and anxious, i know its another long journey for myself. But Im away to newcastle for the weekend to have one last blow out and enjoy myself after what happened last weekend. Two my best and closest mates are taking me away to get out of this "bubble".
I was in a similar situation last year, I had just joined college again after suffering from a breakdown and sadly a suicide attempt. There will be up days and down days, but you need to remember to do what is best for you!
I know it is really, reallly hard to think about YOU properly when you feel so low, but you should try and give it a go sometime.
Also it is great that you have taken on such a task to further your education, however I always think that when I am in a good mood I feel like I can do anything and relish in it but taking on too much can have the opposite effect, as when you don't feel up to going to swimming club or something it makes you feel like a failure and you can't understand why you can't just be 'normal'.
I am very sorry to hear about your mum too, my mum died ten years ago and sadly for me I am still grieving and I never really received the proper support, I understand that you are going through a truly difficult time and that your environment has been completely turned upside down. It is great that you are seeing specialists though who can offer you medical support!
With regard to your suicidal thoughts please don't act upon them, I am very sure that your mother wouldn't want you to do that. I attempted my first suicide when I was 10 years old and my most recent was when I was 18. I am however so glad that I didn't succeed. In order to get better I think the first step is acceptance, accepting that you have an illness which is mental health related, and perhaps accepting that you are grieving for someone. It is ok to grieve, you are no less of a person because you are feeling the way you are. This may not help for you, but it has helped me a lot. I am in no way saying the pain will ever go away, and sadly (well for me anyway) the demon never goes away but he can be hushed for a while or controlled.
I found that once I was able to be more open emotionally to others, including staff members at college they were able to understand my behaviour more, they realised I wasn't sleeping in because I was lazy but it was because I was depressed. Perhaps you could consider speaking to the counsellor at your college or your personal tutor? or any member of staff that you feel you can reach out too?
Sorry I understand that if you are feeling very low this may be a task to read but I truly hope that you seek the help you deserve. You may not think it but there are most certainly people out there who love and care for you. I hope this offers you some form of help!
Thank you for your reply. Its great to have someone understand the same as how i feel about college. Im using the college as a key part of recovery for making the friends and trying to engage with my personal problems as well as learning. Im taking it as an invaluable lesson.
Im not feeling as suicidal as i was when i first reached out on here. I do accept that i have a mental health disability and a severe on thats completely imbalanced and this will take a while to rebalance itself with the right professional help and medication and its going to take time.
Hi David! I think that I understand the pain that you feel..& am sorry for the passing of your Mom.I too used to be suicidal ..having been depressed for so long..I think depression is a natural reaction to a world gone mad!Is there anything..like writing/drawing..music.that you would like to pursue?Please hang in David..I'm still haunted by a loved one's suicide.You never know what's around the next corner.I think that many of us accept this depression as normal,because we don't know any other way.All the best....from Cindy
Thank you for you words of encourage, am still here. The thing that really got me through the weekend is my youngest Oscar. I heard him saying to my sister, "Wheres Uncle David? Why can't I see him?" this scared the shit out of me. I can't leave my nephews because am suffering. What would this do to them. I have started to do writing and inspiration quotes again these helped me before and i put them all away when i felt "normal" again which was for 2 years might i add.
Please remember suicide is a permanent solution to a temporay problem. This will pass I've been there. Is your medication the right dose or the right kind? You need to give this post you have written to your Doctor or someone who is trained who can help you. You can and deserved to be help please be strong xx
Im going to show this all to my GP as there is a massive clash to how i was feeling last weekend to this one to what im feeling now. I dont think the medication is at the right dosage at the moment and need to speak to them tomorrow / today.
Like Holly, just wanted to say that I hope you are as okay as you can be - and having the safety net of the plan means that you manage to keep going ... rather than being a continual source of worry
am overwhelmed by your responses. Unfortunately at the weekend, the demon got the better of me and i resulted in self harming, at least this time i did not use any sharp objects other than my nails. I pretty much damaged my face and have nasty bruising down my arms.
I got detained also as i broke out into a raging temper, really did not like this. Feel sickened that i could have a temper like this and could flip out and not be in control. Felt so alone and so scared and treated like a wild animal. But I'm out now, feel totally disorientated and out of sync. If i was not detained i don't think i would be here for what was going through my mind.
I have accepted that I am broken over the weekend once again, and have been broken for a long time. Instead of taking the time out i have papered over the cracks and the cracks have unfortunately go bigger and the problems have got deeper. I realize now that i have lots of grieve, anger, resentment, unhappy and lost. I need to get these feeling dealt with and free the real inner me.
Right now, Ive decided that College course work is going to be my therapy. Now I think a lot of you will maybe disagree but if i explain you will see.
I can open up via writing, always been able to type and write until my heart is content. Two important part of my course work is 1) Reflective Memory. I'm going to use this as opportunity to dig deep into the core of the heart, the day i sat and watch my mum pass away. I am the only one that can relive these moments and free what ive really been hiding inside this fragile and broken heart of mine. The next is a Tanka, which for those who don't know is a poem and i'll use one for when mum was alive, for one when mum was ill, one for the passing and one for letting go.
I'll speak to my psychologist on Friday before i dedicate my time on doing this, and she is dead against it.
Once again i just want to say thank you for all the support you have been given me once again and i really appreciate it.
Ooh Bless you David. It sounds so terrible for you. If you feel the writing idea will help then go for it; you are the best judge of yourself in that respect and any method that may help is worth trying. I am sure that all this raging temper is not really "you"; it is just something inside you and maybe there is a chemical imbalance as well for which the meds if/when they get them right after a period of time should help ease things. I really appreciate you letting us know how you have been and what has been going on for you. It does sound like you are hanging on and we are always here for you. xx PS It really touched me when you wrote "not lost, just not found yet". I know exactly what you mean. I believe in you David. xx
It has been terrible for me, I was even frightened of myself and scared. Ive decided as i have been honest with myself am going to let my GP see everything i have written on here. I hope no one will mind there responses being shown. At the end of the day, you lot have helped. You've showed that you care, and that i feel i can reach out on here and not been judged. I told one of my college friend about this and she is looking into using this tool as well, because that what i refer to it as a tool. Coping tool. Thank you for believing in me, Im going to the doctors tomorrow to see about the medication.
really sorry to hear you had to go through that.. I just wrote a reply to an earlier post above
and just mentioned taking one step forward and two steps back,and I hadn't even read this yet...
Glad you're out, I'm a self-harmer myself so I know what it's like and how exhausted it leaves ye..
Keep writing David, I enjoy reading your posts and can identify with a lot of what you're going through.. You know we're always here, you take care of yourself and speak soon!
Sorry for being superficial again, but having seen your latest photo, I do wish I was younger and in Scotland!!!
That is NOT the reason why I replied in the first place though you can tell your doctor!!! I am genuinely concerned about people who are suffering and have been through a lot myself and try to offer help where I can as I would want for myself. x
Great idea to show Dr this post. Hope all goes well there.
There is help and it does get easier the more we learn about ourselves and our illness on this journey....I wish you well and look forward to hearing how you are
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I am genuinely concerned about people who are suffering and have been through a lot myself and try to offer help where I can as I would want for myself. x
maybe im supposed to be this way forever?
I'm a teenager and i have been feeling very low and depressed lately and want to know if i seriously have depression?
Just want to get off this rollercoaster....
