Christmas time

[AmeliaIvy]

Hi guys. From as far back as I can remember I hated Christmas. Always have and probably always will. I used to get abused on Christmas by my brother but that's all been put to bed and last year was probably the only civil one I've ever had. I was seeing someone at the time, finished therapy, I felt cracking but the thoughts killed me and still do. Anyway, I've learnt to deal with that. Recently, and I mean about 3 hours ago, I found out that my partner has been messaging other women behind my back. I genuinely feel like my heart has been ripped out. We live together, saving for a mortgage, planning to get married and have children and then BOOM... I go to put his phone on charge and I see the dating app which we met on is downloaded. I click on it thinking he must've forgotten to delete it and well, he has been a busy boy. At the moment I feel like my world is caving in. I can feel myself slipping into that black hole like I was when I had a breakdown. I'm being bullied at work, I barely have any family from what's happened, I bloody HATE Christmas and now this... All oh OT because he had a moment of weakness... I have so much strength in my body and I know I can get through this but, I just can't right now. 😭

[Hidden]

Hi Laur, i admire your courage and self belief & hope you find the right one. i work with children with challenging behaviour and christmas is busy, but if you would like to chat i will find time for such a determined person as youself.

Tony

[AmeliaIvy in reply to Hidden]

Thank you Tony, that really does mean a lot. We're at a family meal today so we'll see how that pans out. I've barely slept.

[Mandy6513]

A moment of weakness !! thats a pathetic reason to give for what he has done and i hope you get to the bottom of it and work through it either with or without him but one thing that jumps from your post is your strength..it shows in your words.....Dont let anyone take that from you ...x

[AmeliaIvy in reply to Mandy6513]

Thank you Mandy. He told me this morning that if we break up that he knows I'll be okay and that hurts him more. It is pathetic. I've just been for a family meal and I can't look at him becausebi get this twinge in my stomach. I'll get over it, I know I will. It's just starting that process. Atm, I don't have the energy mentally, emotionally and physically to do so as you can imagine x

[Mandy6513 in reply to AmeliaIvy]

No i bet you cant honey and that response he gave you is as pathetic as the moment of weakness reply....

Ive been single for 9 years since my partner died and it amazes me that people who are meant to be adults are so awful at being honest.....It also amazes me the timing people seem to chose like you now with Christmas due....A few years ago i had a friend who tragically lost her son in a car accident, he was only a teenager and the day after the funeral her husband decided to tell her he was leaving her but it wasnt because there was someone else it was just a problem with him not her (( familiar line )))...and a lie as he did have someone else..

It may be something you can work through but ive already suggested this to someone else and think it may help you too,,,, get a pillow and punch it till your warn out x

[AmeliaIvy in reply to Mandy6513]

Yeah I know. After Everything I've been through. I went into the bathroom and cried my eyes out for 45 minutes because I was so sure someone's punishing me for something I don't deserve. All I've wanted is to feel that love from someone who isn't my family. I'm really sorry to hear about your loss... I can't imagine what you've been through. As for your friends partner... That's bloody cowardly! If he ended it for that reason and I found out the truth, my psycho level would've gone through the roof. I can deal with a lot because I know I'm stronger from what I've been through but this kind of betrayal is just the worst. I've told him I'm only around now is because nothing got physical and that if I find out he has been physical with someone, I even learn that he's on any other dating site, anything like that, even a SNIFF of it, I'm gone and out the door. All he's done today is apologise for what he's done and only one thing keeps ringing in my head is 2 messages he sent to some girl. It makes me sick. I'm really sorry I'm rambling but I can't speak to anyone else about this because they'll probably kill him xx

[Mandy6513 in reply to AmeliaIvy]

Hey, ramble all you like you deserve to have a rant...

Of course you need to feel love from someone other than family its something we all want or none of us would ever get into a relationship

Your not being punished because that implies you have done something wrong and YOU HAVE NOT no matter what the reason is for his behaviour , its his behaviour, his choice, his actions, NOT YOU x

[AmeliaIvy in reply to Mandy6513]

Thank you so much. This really does mean a lot to me. I know and I've just told him everything how I feel and he knows he has a lot of making up to do. Forgiveness will come later and to forget will come after that. I'm just hanging in there for now. I feel a lot better for this, I'm happy there's some people out there willing to just listen and give advice xx

[Mandy6513 in reply to AmeliaIvy]

Ive had a massive amount of support from people on HU who have got me through some tough times this past year and im so glad to have said something that has given you a little support........Im usually around somewhere if you need a moan x

[Hidden in reply to Mandy6513]

I use Gestalt as that saves punching hell out of someone perhaps even someone you love, my past (my memories have started to come back slowly but I am careful to not mix them up with my nightmares now,even though nightmares may be easier to handle) my life has always revolved around trust and now after a very bad breakdown I no longer trust not even myself, men are very fickle creatures and do not understand that texting or even chatting to someone of the opposite sex behind a partners back can be remotely anything like cheating (yes I am a bloke) sometimes it just need s explaining to them in a very mature way,Talking can stop so much unnecessary mental and physical pain

[Hidden]

Sorry all has come about at this time.

Like you I have seen very little goodwill at Christmas and now we do not really attend any functions, we attended the first one last year, it went ok

In the past we had to get away from family before the break and would travel abroad a great deal to get peace.

All I can suggest is that you try and keep your powder dry until after New Year, it will be hard, be brave and hopefully all will be sorted after the festivities.

If you need too chat you know where we are

Keep a hold

BOB

[AmeliaIvy in reply to Hidden]

Thanks BOB. I'm just powering through it right now.

[AmeliaIvy]

Everything just keeps going round and round in my head. I haven't worn the promise ring he bought me. The messages he sent, the photos he uploaded to the dating app (half naked ones). The disgusting things he said. I'm not mad at the women, I'm mad at him. They had no idea we were together. I can't get dressed or undressed in front of him anymore. I feel as if he's comparing me and judging me. He came onto me this morning and all I could think about was messages he sent so I rejected his advances. I don't believe he's mine anymore. I'm keeping a journal which helps but laying in bed, its driving me absolutely insane... I have work in 4 hours. Please save me from y thoughts.