Christmas, bah humbug

Sorry, all, I did get myself into a holiday funk. It has a root cause. I am stuck in a bad relationship. If I could leave, I'd have a chance to heal, yada, yada. I'm having trouble finding a new place. The longer I stay, the harder it is to let go. He makes me feel worse by not taking responsibility for his actions, pretending to want me to stay, and daring me to leave. You've all heard this story: manipulation, self esteem bashing, ruining the holidays, pick up & move on. I usually like the holidays, even during difficult years. This year is just different....There, got that out. I'll stop crying. Putting on my big girl panties now.

I read a post here about letting go of the past. I know how that goes. The same people who insist you move on, are folks who live their lives according to their pasts! Our pasts, good or bad, are our histories. You don't let go of who you are & what is your. I suppose you do need to process it, but you have to live with it. There's plenty of baggage from my yesteryears, I haven't processed, yet. Some I have. Let's see. I always loved animals. Then one day, a friend's dog bit me in the face. I was terrified of dogs for years. Then one day my then husband wanted a dog & we got this goofy little American Bulldog pup. I fell in love with dogs again. Now why can't I learn from that with all the other negatives from my past?? Oh, hell, I get that one now! When mistreated, it helps to heal when someone does you right! I want to sprinkle some Christmas doing-you-right dust on all of you, because in the short time I've been here, I've come to really like you all:

You are good, you make me happy, you make my heart sing (currently with carols), you are a good spouse, sibling, parent, friend, or partner, you deserve good things & a good life. I send you my hugs, my prayers, my support, my love. Today, you are my gifts. I cherish you. I give you my hugs, my ears to listen, my shoulders to lean, a tissue to blot those tears. Today, thanks to you, I was not alone...and neither are you.

45 Replies

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  • This is a lovely post, thank you for that. That's the great thing about this site - we all get it when sometimes no one in our real life does. I have had masses of support on this site over the years and I try to give back as much as possible now.

    I am wondering why you should have to be the one to leave? Maybe your partner should? Do you have any children who live with you? Don't you have any family/friends you can stay with for the time being? It sounds like for the good of your mental health that you need to be out this toxic relationship asap. I hope you make it soon. x

  • Unfortunately it's his house, although it was supposed to be "ours." I do have a friend I can run to in an emergency, but I couldn't burden her for long. I have a 10 year old & it's been hard on him, but it has brought us even closer together, which is good for us both. Aha! Yin & yang! The negative and the positive side of the situation!!

  • Hi I presume you are in the UK? If so can't the council help? x

  • No. I'm in the US. I was Googling one very sad & distraught night & this site came up. The people here touched me. Maybe it's just that folks in the UK seem to have much better manners than here! Perhaps, it just made me realize so many folks suffer so much more than I and I wanted to stay around them. I've touched base with our Domestic Violence Program. They were very helpful. I have an emergency plan. My brain & my heart get scrambled, though, & throw in Christmas & voila! Another , "Oh, rats, I'm in it again," moment.

  • No

  • Bless u WhiteAlice I am with u in spirit .. Been where you are .. Such a difficult existence I understand

  • I'm in the same position. No Xmas for me again . Pure Grinch style !!! It's horrible, really affects my social life which is close to zero and I don't know how much more I can take before I end up being carted off to you know where. If I could get out of this broken down relationship I would.we live in the same flat and rarely see each other and never speak. It's in its 6th year.!!

    You take care, the only advice I can think of to give you, but if anything message me.

  • Don't know how u manage that Phil_7 What happens when you find someone else ?

  • Compromise comes to mind first. And really I don't think I'm looking for someone else, although I do miss the company of a woman, a friend would do I think.

  • I see, I guess it is not domestic violence as it was in my case and that of WhiteAlice

  • No, not domestic violence. She doesn't like me and I am fed up with her asking why I don't move out so one daywhen she asked after she got caught up losing,I drew the proverbial line in the sand as I have had enough of arguments and her drinking, cheating and bull. The arguments was the straw.

    Anyway all the best to you. Merry Xmas

    And Happy new year.

    Phil

  • Why can't you exit your awful non living together situation?

    Can't you sell up/find other rental accommodation?

    I'm intrigued as to what holds you back?

    Sorry if being nosy/intrusive..no need to answer

    Best wishes Phil

    And Happy Xmas in spite of it all

  • If I cancel my shared tenancy agreement it automatically cancels hers and I don't want to be responsible for making her homeless. She has chlorosis, diabetic, and a intestinal hernia (which can't be operated on because of the chlorosis). I will try harder to get out in the new year though. Even me being financially better off ,won't keep me here, and I can't afford to pay 2 rents.

    Anyway jenny, have a nice Xmas & Happy new year.

  • Not nosy, at all. When I met him, he was an unemployed carpenter working side jobs and living off of some settlement money from his divorce. He was living with his mother, whom he despised. I was stuck with a very expensive house after a difficult divorce. My son was not doing well in school. So I sold the house, lost a lot of money on it, and the new beau & I moved back to where we both grew up & together rented a house. I pushed him gently to get a job. He did. Then he got bsck to making great money, twice what I made. The last year we rented, I paid the rent alone si he xould save for a house "we" were going to buy. Well my credit was damaged & I couldn't be on the mortgage. We made an agreement that I would contribute $1000/mth & he $1500/mth toward the mortgage & house bills. I have faithfully paid every month. Lately he has made it clear it is HIS house, not ours. He refuses to add me to the deed, even though my credit has improved greatly. To move in our area is to pay a rent as high as if not more than a mortgage. There are also a number of increasingly bad neighborhoids. My boy is doing great in this school system. So I borrowed money to move & contacted a realtor. We've seen 6 places, 5 of which I can afford. They were dumps. I am still looking daily. The linger it takes to get out, the harder it is. Now, if he gets too crazy, and we have to leave instantly, then I will uproot us & have to start over somewhere else. My little guy doesn't want to move at all. It's a balancing act.

  • I'm sorry!! I just realized that question was for Phil! I'm a doofus!

  • Not a doofus at all

    Never heard that expression in UK

    I used to live in San Francisco

    Late 1970's when the hippie thing started out

    Lived near the Golden Gate park

    Haight Ashbury one side, Arguello where i lived the other

    Love,Peace and Light

  • Awesome! I visited there once. Muir Woods wasn't far from there. Such a beautiful place.

  • It was Phil I was curious about WH but i'm curious by nature so your situation is also concerning to read

    I gave my violent ex my apartment as he was unwell and I slept on my friends floor for a year until I could afford a down payment for mortgage

    That wasn't the only reason

    In spite of everything I still had strong feelings for him and we were still friends as the abuse was sporadic not constant

    Any at all,ever, should have been a cue to leave

    He was a hard drug user and not too pleased when there wasn't any

    I kept in touch for next fifteen years even when I had another partner

    He's now gone, the same as most of our friends at that time

  • It's sad that pay a price just for loving someone. You'd think it would be a good thing. Oh, wait....Christ paid quite a price for loving us. Oh!

  • That's right

    But i'm not Jesus

    No redemption for my ex

    And i've had Hep C the last 35 years.

    That's some price.

  • Meant WA.. WhiteAlice

  • Well if you have been paying towards the bills then by law you should be entitled to a share of it, if it's the same as in the UK. Get a good lawyer and get some dosh out of the tight git. x

  • I wish it was like the UK then! The only thing I could get is my stuff. Most of the furniture & accessories are mine. When I go, he won't have a plate to eat off of nor a towel to dry with and he'll be sleeping on his floor.

  • Have you checked you have no claim on his property? Also what about his obligations to your son? x

  • Well it's not his son. In fact he has a 21 year old son he doesn't bother with, except when he tells people he hasn't seen in a long time. At best, if I could get any claim to the house, it would be a portion of the equity. He's only had it 2 years. There is no equity, yet.

  • A 21 year old son is not a dependant. Have you checked all this with a lawyer? I would tell him anyway that you have and tell him you want some money to move out. Otherwise you are staying put. He might change his mind then! x

  • Demanding money will set him off for sure. One moment at a time with him. I realize I made some bad choices. I have to untangle carefully.

  • I am sure you could do it more tactfully than that then. I assume he wants you out as much as you want to leave? Maybe that's a way out for both of you. Or borrow the money and don't pay him back. :) x

  • Actually, I think he wants me to stay, sort of. It's a very weird dynamic. I took care of him when he was down. I stood by him in crisis. I was his partner in good times. We have been great friends as well as lovers. It's like living with 2 different people. Right now, he's being nice again. I am walking around carefully. I did borrow money to move. Just have to find a place & take a day off when he's working to pack & get out. I put a number if bixes in a storage unit in the spribg when he went ballistic that time & I didn't bring them back. So, I guess I'm half way packed already.

  • Compromises are hsrd to fathom when furniture is thrown.

  • Yes WhiteAlice I have experienced that .. I know u have to get right out asap although I know it is most difficult

  • One day at a time...one of his moods at a time.

  • Gosh yes I remember walking on eggshells :( not good

  • Also got the teeshirt

    Held up all night at knife point and other assaults not suitable to mention here

    Took no notice of injunctions

    Had to move 300 miles away

    Breaking into London squats with my young daughter

    Better than living with him

    This was 40 years ago and nowhere else to go

    Erin Pizzey changed everything for battered wives/girlfriends

    I wish you everything you need to leave

    You'll be much happier.

  • I am so sorry jennyjolly. No one should have to endure that. Mine seems to be terribly afraid of jail & pulls back just in time. I know when he's out of his mind it could happen. Such is the tightrope we walk.

  • Does the tension/fear/on eggshells etc remind you of similar in past maybe in childhood?

    I recreated same scenario with different partners many times as what i'd always known and in some crazy way felt safe with although situation created was unsafe and had been in past too.

    Have now wised up.

    Ps My comment 'brilliant post' was meant for another

    but you're brilliant too of course and deserve much,much better

  • I thought your comment was for the whole thread & I agree it's a good talk. I had a not so traditional childhood, but my family was good to me. They loved me and I felt it. Maybe it was people cared too much for me in a "poor little thing" way. I now like to take care of people & animals. I keep doing that with my romantic relationships, too, but it's in those that I tend to get " used up, " if you know what I mean. Twice now I've run into absolutely mean men, who hide it well in the beginning of the romance.

  • They fool us .. Reel us in .. Then net us then turf us out .. Absolute vileness in full form

  • Never again

  • I have said that so many times. Yet, here I am. I have turned into a suspicious woman. I always expect the worst from him. I don't want yo be like that. This one is ill, numerous MH issues. The ex was completely conscious of his behaviors. He worked hard to be mean and controlling.

  • I stay single as a Pringle now .. My barriers are indeed so high and triple reinforced .. Not every man is a control freak narcisstic I know but my barriers are natural now

  • Was meant for you after all White Alice

    Your first post :-)

  • This is a brilliant post

    Wish you all blessings.. each day in every way

  • Break down your worries and concerns etc into small packages, then take each one and break that one into little bites, address your little bites, if you feel stuck address another problem the same way, Eventually you will find your independent problems are getting smaller and your confidence will become stronger. You will find these small bites are smaller and smaller, to nothing then you will come to terms to the errors you have made.

    Everything takes time to sort out, many cannot take the ultimate move to another life, they are stuck and need to negotiate the best way forward as you proceed to that positive position you would like enter.

    Our pasts are who we are, we cannot change that, we accept our regrets and if possible come to terms with those past regrets and move on. One problem we all have is we wear our medal of negativity upon our lapel, and our heart on our sleeve. we become a victim to our past and we beat ourselves up and make ourselves even worse than before.

    Find a safe place to move into where the filling cabinet of our regrets cannot be opened once more We are who we are and need to just get on with your Life. Most people suffer regrets, that is part of our learning on this world. We have regrets, yes. Learn, that is why we are here to be able to move on and put our lives into a new perspective

    BOB

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