Any advice would be appreciated .....

[cJ86]

Hello all,

I have recently just found out that my husband has a gambling problem. He is now in a lot of debt. Luckily it doesn't affect our house or bills. But the problem i am facing is that my symptoms are sooo much worse due to the stress we have both been under over these past few days. I really don't know what to do, the trust has been damaged in our relationship now, and i have now had to take over all the utility and mortgage on my own until he can start earning money again. The worst thing about it is that he is also being made redundant at the end of December.

He is extremely depressed at the moment, well to be honest we both are. It has caused a massive strain on our new married life together.

At the moment i struggle to get into work on a daily basis due to my endometriosis symptoms, and now with all this added stress on my shoulders its become even worse.

I'm hoping to get advice from someone who maybe has been through the same situation or knows what help we can get. I feel very alone at the moment because i feel sooo angry at him but cannot express it to him otherwise it makes his depression worse. I know that being angry at him will not help the situation but i just feel soo annoyed that it has been going on for sooo long and he has kept it from me.

Any information on this topic is greatly appreciated.

[secondhandrose2]

Hi

As I see it there are several strands to your current problems and each needs dealing with but separating things out will help give you back some feelings of empowerment, reduce stress and enable you both to work together at re-building trust between you.

It is good that the house is safe and that you have made practical moves to ensure it remains so. Taking care of your own health is important as your income enables things to remain under some control.

Despite your husband being depressed I think it is important that you share with him just how angry and let down you feel as he will probably know anyway and holding back your feelings will only increase your stress and bodily symptoms. However of course it is important to express them in a way that does not cause your husband unnecessary harm.

You do not say whether your husband has talked about how he got into gambling or what led it to become so excessive and understanding the cause will be important. I would suggest your husband seeks support - from the GP and from a counsellor, privately if you can afford it as undoubtedly there will be a wait if it is through the NHS. The sooner your husband has an outlet for his feelings the sooner you can begin to share your feelings with him and that will bode better for you both. I imagine your husband will be extremely worried about being made redundant and it may be some knowledge that there was a risk of redundancy was connected to the gambling, or that may itself be an outcome of his gambling behaviour. Either way he will be feeling a lack of confidence and probably feel responsible, so supporting him with those feelings is important and despite your anger it will be better if you are able to try to understand how he feels. The more you are able to understand your husband and the way the problem developed the sooner your stress will reduce and the greater the likelihood of your marriage withstanding the strain of what you are going through. At this point I would not try to work out how you feel about him now, just view the gambling as a problem you need to find a way to deal with jointly for both your sakes. You need to resume being able to cope with your health problems and your husband needs to feel less bad towards himself. Dealing with the practicalities while understanding what has happened at a practical and emotional level for your husband will enable you to stand back a little and in time you may find together you are stronger. I doubt he wanted to intentionally deceive you but that he found himself involved in behaviours which led to his feeling increasingly helpless and that the possibility of winning at gambling seemed the only positive in his life. If the gambling turns out to be just one aspect of an addictive personality then there are specialist services available through the NHS which can help but that will be for a later time. Now it is a matter of the practicalities, your health, and understanding how things developed for your husband.

Suex

[cJ86 in reply to secondhandrose2]

Thank you soo much for your advice, really appreciate it, sometimes hearing it from another persons perspective makes it easier to deal with. We have arranged to see his doctor now to get a referral to someone to talk to. Also looking at going to the gambling anonymous meetings. Hopefully seeing other people in his situation will help him.

Thanks again for your help.

[secondhandrose2 in reply to cJ86]

Great, just try to keep things in perspective. Unless you were doubting your marriage prior to the gambling coming to light see the problem as one he needs your help with as I am sure he will be feeling as angry and awful about it all as you are.

Suexx

[Findingme in reply to cJ86]

For goodness sake do not do all the work for him, do not spend your life finding cures or treatments. If he is not committed enough to do it for himself then he will not stick at it. And look after yourself in the meantime.

[Hidden]

There are several organisations that tackle gambling, that you will be able to find in CAB or your GP Surgery may be able to help.

Personally I have never been a gambler although we do the Lottery and Premium bonds.

You need to discuss the payments you need to pay back CAB and Gamblers Anon may help you there and stop your Husband gambling. I do not think you are liable for your husband debts in this case so it is important to take advice.

You could also take Legal Advise from a solicitor if you are unable to gain help. Your Husband s Credit Cards should be destroyed and your bank notified of the situation you find yourself in. Your Credit as a couple may become a problem, that is why you need to take some form of Council as if your man is a habitual gambler he will need some treatment to help control his weakness your GP may be able to help and advise

When I was younger I took a triple on the horses out to win, the third horse came second and I lost, as I had not taken out a placing so I lost a large bet. I have never returned to gambling since then, I find the whole thing a mug s game. Sorry.

BOB

[Findingme in reply to Hidden]

You are liable for his debts if you have money in a joint account, or own the house jointly. Any loans he takes out with your name on it is also your responsibility. You definitely need to talk to an advisor to protect your future earnings from any liability.

[Hidden]

Hello Again

I have just had a look on the internet and there are quite a few sites under Gambling and gambling debts. Go and have a look at what is available.

Gamblers Anon do local support groups throughout the country while there are other sites that cover payment etc. They also cover credit cards banks etc. Many advise the you both go to your GP as a first stop off point, so you go with your husband and arrange a two appointment meeting

Now I would suggest you be strong and be there when your husband attends any centres of help as this form of addiction can become a place of deceit if you are not around to protect your interests

BOB

[Findingme]

You married a man who was hiding a bad habit or addiction from you, and now are faced with supporting him. No wonder you are under stress. In my book this is as bad as him having an affair. You would be totally within your rights to want to kick him out. You already have health problems and this will make it worse.

I am going to go against all the other advice and say that you will be making a rod for your own back if you offer unconditional support at this point.

In many ways this is a pivotal moment. Your husband has basically got himself into a situation and is looking to see how you react. If you rush in to pick him up and sort out his problems you will be doing this for the rest of your married life, and maybe beyond if you have kids. Tough love is what is needed for his sake, and to protect yourself.

Firstly take steps to stop the situation getting worse. Isolate your finances so he cannot drag you into more debt. As a married couple you will be held responsible for his debts. You could lose the house and all your own savings. Look into how you can prevent this.

Then insist he gets help, and make it clear What the consequences are if he refuses or slips back.

Don't hide your feelings for fear of making him worse. You will still feel angry and this will come out over the years in destructive ways, or self destructive ways where you end up making him pay by getting ill and being dependent on him.

[Hidden in reply to Findingme]

I agree.

Protect your life and those of your family.

Gamblers can be deceitful and generally feel they need to gamble to hit a winning streak, the odds in gambling are always with the house, you never really see a gambling house loose money. You need to take full advice on the situation you find yourself in.

As I have mentioned before isolate your savings as much as you can if He needs money only give sufficient to allow his daily needs. Be hard if He wants money to go for that winning streak, He will generally not reach that point and could gamble any monies away to follow that evasive lucky streak.

Arrange too visit any health group with him and make an appointment to see the GP with Him. Do not allow him to bottle out if you go along. Generally you will find He could break appointments if He gets the chance.

If He asks you if you do not trust him to go alone, tell him, No that is why you need to go with Him to any centre.

Take of all his credit cards off him and ask your bank to separate your bank accounts from His.

Never give him any money to gamble with or ask you for loans to pay of debts etc. Look after yourself and children, He needs to understand the situation He has caused you and family. Talk to CAB if you can in any way protect your home from His gambling

Sorry, if your health is suspect you need to look after yourself and family