Seeking Support

Hi there

Fortunately, I don't suffer from depression myself, but my wife does, and she is at the point that I just don't know what kind of support to offer anymore. This has been a long standing condition (we're talking 18 years), and sometimes things are good, other times, not so, but over the last 6 months, the decline has been staggering. I just don't know where to go, or who to speak too, and I'd really appreciate any advice from anyone who's found themselves in the same position

Thanks in advance

9 Replies

  • a) Don't know if it is a similar position or not - probably not.

    I suffered 40 decades of depression and around 2010 it started to decline into really bad anxiety and a load of other things.

    At the end of 2012 I fell down the stairs and just before I was discharged I was told that my B12 levels were low - role on a 19 months and I'd finally managed to figure out what that meant and was getting the levels of B12 that I needed and the depression lifted.

    B12 deficiency is generally caused by an absorption problem and it can take years to fully develop...

    b) my person experience was that I found it very difficult when those around me were trying to understand how I felt. The people that really helped weren't those who tried to understand but those who just let me know that they were there if I needed them - to talk or not to talk ...

    depression is one of those things that I really don't think that you can understand unless you have experienced it and it's so horrible that you wouldn't wish it on anyone.

    c) it can be really difficult to talk directly - if it is putting a strain on your relationship then it might be better to suggest some sort of mediation - like relate - an environment in which there is a neutral person who can make sure that people really have understood each other, because it is so easy for things to be misheard and distorted.

  • Thank you for replying, that's really useful info.

    Appreciate your time, and hope your feeling much better yourself now

  • I'm fine now - and whilst on one level it is galling to think that ignorance lead to me suffering for so many years actually having a life that isn't just an existence waiting for death to release me (which is what the 40 years were about) is what really matters.

    I really hope that you manage to sort things out. Dealing with a depressive can be really difficult ... I personally cringe when I think about some of the things I said to people that were trying to care ... it was just so difficult to communicate.

  • Hi there and welcome, I presume that your wife is under a Drs care and being

    Monitored. If it's a longstanding Depression, mind you if it's going on for that

    Long maybe she should get a second opinion. I live n Ireland and there is no

    NHS here so for the best Consultants you have t pay, and for me that has been

    Worth it. I had one particular Psychiatrist for a few years and Like your wife

    I felt I was stuck and now have a new Psychiatrist and I feel it's been much better.

    The long winded point I am making is that your wife is really the only one who

    Can help herself, Meds. Help to get you back n the pitch but I have found that you

    Need to sit down and look closely and honestly at your life and see what is going on,

    What lifestyle changes you can make and basic things like Diet, Excercse, Social

    sUpport etc should be looked at.

    Your wife is the one who should be here tryingfor help because she herself will

    Have the power to get well if she does that. Now I'm assuming it's Clinical

    Depression she has not Bipolar or Schrizophrenia or other mental illnesses, as

    I would have no experience with these.

    Have you told her specialist how you feel? Is your wife able to hold down a job ?

    Because all this is vague and without much more info I can't be of more help.

    Basically she needs t be making an effort to get help for herself as no one

    Else can make you better. I wish I had a husband who cared how I was! I would

    Be jumping over the moon, lol. Your very good to try and help her, but you

    Too must not let her illness dominate your life or else you will get Depressed too,

    Try yourself to live as normal a life as you can and maybe take the focus off

    Her, otherwise she becomes defined by Depression rather than a person in her

    Own right. Sometimes partners can enable a type of dependency by giving

    Up their lives, and this ultimately helps no one.

    I hope some of what I say helps you but maybe encourage your wife to Post, I found

    That I came n here because I was so desperate to get well and this Forum has been

    A great help to me. But it's really hard to advise any one when I don't know all

    The facts, Do you have children? What do the Drs. Say the prognosis is?


  • Hello

    Life is hard for a carer of a person with a long lasting, chronic condition. I would imagine your wife is seen by Her GP. If so I would advise that you go see the doctor with your Wife and try and be there to explain and ask for some advise. If this is not possible go yourself and explain the problems you have. You can approach charities like MIND and they can help a carer and partner as well as a Depressed person can balk depending on the dynamics of Her condition

    Personally I do not know what has caused this low mood, I would hope that you have tried too talk to your wife and tried to find out what the problem is or was to make her like this.

    Personally I do know how hard life your life can be. My Wife has to have the patience of a Saint. Depression can make a person one day be happy the next sad and many feelings in between. Sometimes tough love or firmness can work although depending on your partner that may not work. Sometimes I understand you could let her simmer for a time if you are unable to control the situation.

    If you need to talk come back on site and we will try and give some form of support on line


  • hello daviejojo,

    i hear the desperation in your post. depression is a horrible illness, i have it.

    This year I found out about an organisation named that offers support groups and for people with depression. Family members / loved ones are very welcome to also attend the support groups. Maybe you could find out from your GP or internet if there support groups in your area?

    I have found them to be a lifeline. people are free to talk and discuss or simply listen, no pressure, just a safe, private place. Listening to other's life experiences and advice has been a godsend. i hope there is something like this available to you and your wife. please feel free to ask anything else xox

  • Hi there,Im sorry to hear what your going through just now,I also have suffered all my life with depression but the last few years it has been a lot worse.What suits me with my husband is for him to leave me alone when im really low and certainly not fuss over me,until I come out of my bad times.Get your wife to come on this forum as it doesnt make you feel isolated and the only one who is ill,it definitely helps.Hope all the replies have given you an idea on what to do.Look after yourself though as ive been a carer to my son and making him my most important role in life has led me to being a lot worse with my own health.Take care

  • Just want to thank everyone for their very kind comments and advice. I truly appreciate the time you've take to reply xx

  • it's important to access any resource of help you can Daviejojo, for your sanity and to find some serenity. i know i need too :-)