Things might be looking up for me. I ventured outside to run some errands and eat lunch by myself. I must admit that getting some sunshine and fresh air has been good.
I also got a call for an interview from a place I've been waiting on. The good Lord has been watching over me. Wish me good luck.
Although there are still days where I just want to lie in bed, pull the curtains shut and sleep all day, I'm really trying hard to make strides in the right direction. I don't really know if I'll ever completely get over this depression and anxiety, but I do hope that I can atleast be able to function normally or atleast as normal as I can, maybe not because I really don't know what normal looks like. I just know that I can't go on living everyday feeling down, crying and worrying about everything. I know there's more to life than this.
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loner2
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You are a strong person to have accomplished as much as you have so far. I went threw a period of time that was so bad I could not even get out of bed and cross the hall to use the washroom for a #1. Since I live by myself who was to know or care anyway was my reasoning at the time. I remember that time in my life and gather strength knowing how I fought to where I am now - but still don't beat myself up if I have bad days. I can remember being too weak to stand in the shower and raise my hands up to wash my hair. Those are pretty much my 'rock bottom' days. Forcing myself to do one thing a day whether it be the 'dishes', 'grocery shopping' or cleaning a particular room in my home helped me. Because then with each step you start seeing you feel better being in a clean home, or having a fridge with healthy food waiting for you. Depression and anxiety I feel can only be truly empathized by someone who is fighting the same battle.
Once I was in a market and listened to two women talking. They were talking about a lazy person who just wallowed in their own problems and accomplished absolutely nothing other than crying and feeling sorry for themselves. They then talked about how they too felt that way before so this person they were gossiping about should just do the same too....
This upset me although I don't know any of the people in my story. If felt those negative 'friends' were part of the problem. Judging, gossiping and being plain old ignorant. People who talk like that are self righteous ignorant bags of hot air. Supporting each other does not including stripping someone else down to build themselves up.
Depression and anxiety are medical illnesses. And we all heal in our own way. Counselling, medication, exercise, proper meals, structure, routines- are all possible things that might help you start to feel like the person who know you can be. For me I am not in counselling anymore but know my medications do make an amazing difference. Having a set bed time is so hard for me to follow! But the next morning when you wake up it is unlikely you regret going to bed on time. But you will regret sitting up on your computer until 3am no further ahead when the rooster welcomes in the day.
I started writing on my calendar a number of how much housework I accomplished a day. An average effort gives me a 7.5. And a day spent in bed is normally a '2' or '3' depending on whether I ate a proper meal or had a shower. Only I see these numbers but they motivate me. I have a second number I use to measure my anxiety. A check mark is a good day- but if I have a panick attack or am held back in any way I will give myself a mark such as a minus 2 or minus 5, etc. I am not judging myself - I am monitoring myself. Then I can see patterns... Such as female cycles, too many hours at work, having an arguement with my partner, etc.
Be your own bestfriend sounds silly but I do try. Treat yourself like you would treat a guest in your home. Fresh linens, a welcoming breakfast, a warm and clean home. You will not always be successful each and every day - but you have a fresh slate to try again tomorrow. Good luck with your job interview!❤️
Hi Lacey, your message above has brought me great comfort I say that all the time no one knows what depression/ anxiety is really like until they have suffered it for themselves I have been exactly the same as you (in fact with most things you have suffered with, I sti can not to at the moment, the very simplist of daily task I just can't do AT THE MOMENT ) I'm not putting pressure on myself to do them, as it makes me far worse, then I've also got guilt to deal with, I battle everyday ( I mean battle ) I have to get over the horrific waking up and forcing myself out of bed, to getting dressed and out of the house ( I can't cope staying indoors) were do I go all day with server depression and server anxiety ??? I've been like this since January this year, thank you for being so very honest in your message it brought me so much comfort knowning I'm not alone in all this Xx
Thank-you for your kind words. We are oceans apart but at the same time we are in the same boat facing the stormy winds and perils at sea. I suffered my entire life with mental illness. As a child I was diagnosed as being stone deaf and my parents and family never knew or should I say never even noticed. I can remember being 5 years old and handing out notes to everyone at our family Christmas meal saying 'no one likes Lacey'. I remember it was in red ink on yellow paper. Why no adult didn't think there was a problem with that I don't know! I had no friends and felt best when I was alone… then came eating disorders when I was a young teen - lasting until now when I am in my 40s. I am happier now than I have ever been because it took me this long to understand how mind works. I accept I have my disorders but don't let them define me. Illness is not an excuse - it is something you geninuely are suffering. You have a bad day- be kind to yourself and start again tomorrow the best you can. It is not easy. Sometimes even the idea of brushing my teeth makes me decide it would just be easier not to eat or drink anything than rather force myself to consider flossing. The trains of thought my mind goes on would be funny if it wasn't me actually living it! I can remember not sleeping in my bed so I wouldn't have to make it in the morning. I would sleep on the floor. I own only one mug and one drinking glass and two plates and a bowl. I never can have a pile of dishes in my sink because I have no choice but to wash my dishes as I go along. I do recommend doctors because as much as I denied myself help for over 20 years now that as have it I don't want to go back to the way I was before. I have more energy now and also have a medication I can take if I feel very anxious as needed. I was given 30 pills in January and still have about 15 left. I allow myself to be heard such as I refuse to be weighed even in the doctor's office because I know it will trigger my eating disorder if the scale says more than 95 pounds. I monitor my own weight by the clothes I wear but it is not the same as seeing a number. If you have any personal quirks - allow yourself to have them. It makes you feel empowered to say what you will or won't be willing to do. Believe it or not I never understood I could say no before. I appear as a good natured door mat to many. But inside I am very aware and calculating all sorts of variables. I've let a lot of things go as I am ready to move forward. I am very eccentric but I hurt no one and enjoy the world I created around me with my pets and partner. You must know you have depression and anxiety - but also know that is not who you are. It is just something you have. Goodness some days I force myself to eat a favourite meal or go somewhere or do something I normally enjoy and I am so depressed I don't enjoy anything. But trust that things will not always be that way even if it feels like an eternity. Think of the ebb and flow of the waves. If you ever would like to PM me I am a good listener. Knowing I have friends on this site really comforts me. We are all out there somewhere in cyberspace but we also face the same obtacles in real time. ❤️
We'll I thought I was having a good toddy, but I went to my job interview and although it went ok. They're going to offer me less than one of the current jobs I have right now. I can't do this , I went to school for a reason, not to be struggling like this. I can barely pay my bills. It just makes me more depressed. 😔
I'm trying but it feels like I'm going nowhere. No future , no nothing , just existing. I know others are suffering more than me, but I just feel that there's soo much weight on my shoulders that I just can't hold it anymore.
Please stick with it. I know how it feels to worry about keeping a home and pay bills and deal with anxiety and depression. Just think how strong you are to be dealing with it all and you really are. You are not alone. You got this interview so you will get another one, a better one. I can feel it. Im sending you lots of hope.
Thanks I hope so, I'm just soo discouraged because I went to school and have 3 degrees but can't find a decent job. I'm getting older so I want to find something that I can stick with and not have to work the rest of my life.
Right now I'm still trying to pass the entrance exam for the nursing program, but it's really hard. I worked soo hard to get a good GPA and if I can't make it, then it will be all for nothing. I have soo much anxiety over having to pay back my student loans and only working a low paying part time job.
I quit my very stressful full time job to go back to school, now I have nothing.
I couldn't take the stress anymore, I thought I was going to go insane. Now I'm stressing over how to pay my bills with an inconsistent job.
It just seems soo overwhelming . I have days where I just cry and can't do anything else.
I really do understand. Try to realise what you have achieved. You were brave and clearly very intelligent to make decisions about your career. My biggest worry is losing my job and my home because of anxiety but that hasn't happened and the same is for you. It hasn't happened And you will find the job you want. Keep trying and try to focus on your achievements so far. I know that's hard but you can do it. I know you can. X
Sometimes one has to take a step back in order to move forwards. Before you reject the job, think about whether it offers room for growth, and whether it is something you would be happy doing. Even if it means less money in the short term it may be a good choice. Of course it may not, but it is worth a few minutes consideration.
That is amazing to hear and encouraging to hear. So lovely to hear you went out today and it wasnt a bed day. I know how it is. You are not alone and your success today is celebrated. X
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Don't want to be here anymore 
better day despite the falls
