Was such a fool!!

[Nick1800]

So here it goes. Everything in my life has been nothing but a battle. Growing up was not like it should have been. When I was a kid growing up my mom and dad got a divorce. Of course being a kid my little brother and I didn’t know what was going on. I mean how could we after all we how could we were just kids looking back it seemed like it was good. Dad built a house for us and by the time I was 4 the divorced and my little brother went to live with his dad and I went with my mom. So that is we’re things started to go down hill. My mom re-married only after a year or two. He seemed like a good guy but that was all about to change. The first year wasn’t bad but it got worse and worse. He would always yell at his older son/ now my step brother and was very mean and Abusive. First it was yelling and then went to beating me for anything. Would come home from school and he would be angry so I would try to stay in my room or go out and play with my friends. It was like that for 8 year and had a toll on my mind and mental health. So here it goes Jude me if u want but here it goes... so when I was 12 I was out side playing with my friends and my aunt stoped and said your lucky I don’t tell your stepdad what you did. I was confused and worried cuz I didn’t do anything and who is going to believe a kid right. So my mom and aunt talked and come to find out my Nieces were Molested and my aunt thought it was me... now my stepdad finds out and thinks I was doing bad things to my little sister. So then he tells me to get in the car and to not saying anything. I was scared of this guy after all the years of the abuse I know what he can do but had no idea what was to come in that car ride. He didn’t say a word we got to his friends house in the middle of no where all he said go out to the cow field and look for golf balls. About an hr later comes down and that’s were things got bad. He stared yelling and hitting me for no reason at all I should have died that day being a kid and him beating me like I was nothing not just hands but sticks and everything he could find. Even the car ride home was nothing but hitting me in the chest and arms. We got home and my mom asked what happened and I went right to my room and didn’t say a word. Two days later I was in class in the 7th grade and had cops show up and pulled me out of class and asked me what had happen. I guess the school called them cuz of my face and bruises all over so I told them what happened and they took me home and put him in the cop car. My mom didn’t care about me she cared about him and being her oldest son and being her kid you would think she would fight for me but no it was all him and still is to this day. I spent 6months and my 14th bday In juvenile hall and prying that someone would help. That day came we’re my brothers dad got me out cuz I wasn’t aloud to go home cuz the court thought I did it as well. The courts were so mean to a little kid who did nothing wrong. That had played a big roll on how to be and how to grow up. I was such a loser and loner in school and in life. I couldn’t hold a relationship i would always lie and cheat on them I would pry all the time for god to send me the family I never had growing up or the love and affection I always wanted. I’m 29 and god sent that person in my life two years ago and what did I do I lied to her and I cheated on her. It was not her fault at all it was all me. I was scared of the feelings I had and how her and the family loved me and cared for me and I did nothing but hurt them. I asked myself wth are you doing Nicholas! I had that wake up call when we split for 2-3 months both tried to move on but it was a lie my heart and soul belongs to her no matter what I did she still was there and still loved me and wanted me. To this day I regret what I did and how much I loved her and couldn’t help but think to myself after all the years of pain and hurt why do it to the one I love and that loves me more. I can sit her and say it’s cuz I didn’t know it was wrong I can sit here and say I didn’t mean to but that’s a lie. Every time I got scared of being happy or when we got into hard time I would run to the devil and demons tell I realize it was me and no one else. I am still learning and growing every day. I believe that if it wasn’t for the woman I am with today I wouldn’t be here. I would be in prison or worse dead. Not going to lie I had thought about just ending it all I mean who would know or care right . My family would have noticed or even cared. Maybe they would to this day but again that all changed when she came into my life. I never want to live this earth as long as I have her. Things are a battle every day cuz of what I did in the past every time something would happen before I would run and look for x to hook back with or anyone to talk to or be with and that was wrong especially when she battle with anxiety and depression. I didn’t know that it was my fault for it getting worse. She would open up to me express her feelings I didn’t know what to do. And it’s hard to say that it’s all my fault and I don’t blame her for not trusting me or believing anything I say cuz of what I did and put her and the kids through. But I know now more then ever that I am so lucky and great full for the chance she gave me again and It’s not just the second or third time more like the sixth or seventh time like I said I completely understand where she comes from but never ever imagine going to do what I did before.

[Nick1800]

Please excuse the mess and typos first time opening up and writing

[Stilltrying_]

Hi there, it is never too late to feel sorry and it sounds like you are very sorry for all the bad things you did and not trusting her etc. It is amazing that you have a good woman in your life. Go forwards from now on. It sounds like you have truly apologised and understood you did wrong but also you know why this was. Go forward my friend. You are not a bad person; just been through a very hard time. x

[Nick1800 in reply to Stilltrying_]

ty Very much I steal feel like it’s a battle every day and things have gotten better but it’s still a fight every day and I am lucky to have such a loving and caring and supportive woman to help me through it even thought I don’t deserve it cuz of what I put her and are family through

[Robinrenae]

Hi Nick, welcome!

First let me say I'm sorry that your mother wasn't there to protect you and chose a man over you. It's not your fault and you deserved better as a child. You are worthy of love.....accept it and treasure it.

Love and light to you ❤🌹

[Nick1800 in reply to Robinrenae]

Thank you very much and I appreciate that it’s sad when kids go though life like that and some are not able to overcome the battle and fight that was put in front of them at such a young age.

[Robinrenae]

It is very sad, but the good thing is in your case you recognize this and you are making it! I'm so happy for you that you have a wonderful woman in your life, it's amazing to have someone love you and you love them back....to share and grow with...don't forget to love yourself too. 😊