I've Had It!!!

I am swirling between sadness & anger, burning anger. First, my man has been up & down with us. He worked on the house all day. He didn't want to spend time with us. Si he got cleaned up & said he was going to the liquor store. He did, but then he also went to his brother's. Now you have to understand, he hates his brother. He hates his family. He told me how horrible they all have been to him. So, I didn't want anything to do with them. Now he's up their behinds every chance he gets. So, he sent me a text asking if I wanted to come over wuth my little one, but he mentioned how I already had plans. I told him we were all invited to my friend's house. So he sets up this impossible situation. I got mad & called him, because I was trying to work it all out. He yelled at me to stop being angry! Of course I'm angry! Ugh. Then my older son came over all upset. He has this awesone, goofy cat, Jasper. A woman who can't keep her pitbull in, let him get away again & got Jasper ob his own porch and rip him to shreds. Poor cat had to be put down. Ugh!!! I want scream!!

22 Replies

  • What a nightmare :( so sorry to hear this

  • Thank you.

  • Thinking of you

  • Pray for me not to lose my mind at the brother's house, please. The sister will probably be there. She finds our problems actually laughable, including the many times he's threatened to toss us out, him calling me a c***, because I accidentally covered his keys with a sheet of paper I moved looking for somethinf, & him punching a hole in the door. Errrrr... Sometimes my deep sadness turns into anger. I do have limits to how much I can take.

  • Ugh they sound vile, ugly people .. They don't deserve you and your compassion .. Toxic simply toxic people

  • I realize that a huge percentage of people's mental health issues are actually inutiated by the sheer stupidity of others! Hang in there all!!

  • They are trying to push you .. Please don't succumb

  • Alice this is awful for you. Now I know this can't bring your lovely cat back but you can report the dog for being out of control as this is against the law to be attacked at your own home. The dog needs putting down if the owner can't control it.

    As for your man - unhitch him from being your man! Don't make any plans with him, be independent of him and go your own way. Don't include him in anything and don't let him include you in anything either. In other words live your own life and pretend you are single again. He doesn't exist and you are no longer a couple.

    I have had friends in a similar situation and they just lived their own lives and ignored their partner in it. One friend would go out dancing and socialising with her friends, leaving him to do his own thing too. Start being independent of him now in practise for when you can get out. It will be easier for you then. x

  • Try and be indifferent to him and his awful family. Let him do what he and them want as there is no need for you to be dragged into it. Protect yourself!

    You can't control how others behave - only how you do. Start doing it. x

  • coughalot2 gives some darn good advice there

  • When someone complains about the treatment they get from another person, then jumps to attention when they are called on by that person, it is usually because they crave their approval yet never feel able to demand their respect. They may have been bullied by the self same people and made to feel not good enough. How this affects you is that that person will probably treat you with less respect. After all, they may well have very low self esteem, and will find it hard to respect anyone who wants to be with them as they cannot understand what you see in them. If you stay and put up with it for a long time, you then run the risk of doing the same to another person. And the cycle goes on.

    Do your boyfriend a favour and call time on this behaviour. If you feel he is worth giving another chance, explain how it makes you feel, and ask him if that is ok with him. He needs to either withdraw from his family so as to avoid their toxc behaviour influencing him, or commit to them instead of you. He will not take this well, since up to now you have been allowing him to have his cake and eat it, and use you as his emotional dumping ground whilst he is at it. There may be ructions. If you decide he is not worth it, make some excuse to leave him, and just go. Otherwise you will spend the rest of your life playing second fiddle to the family, and lose all your own self-respect in the process.

  • After last night & today, I see he is more toxic than his family. So I gave the 2 of us space. I stayed in my son's room. He stayed in his shop in the basement. It wasn't good enough for him, though. I just dozed off & he was in the room demanding I tell him how to resolve this problem. I hate that moment of confrontation. I can't just tell him it's over & I'll go. That's not acceptable. It sends him into a rage, although it seems to be what he wants. I'm having a really hard time just pretending all is well. In between, he will not accept how I feel. He doesn't want to hear it. So I just go silent, until he's actually tired of standing there. I feel like an animal in a cage.

  • This is abusive behaviour. He does not have any respect for you.

  • Something you said made me stop and think. You mentioned that when your bf got angry YOU gave the 2 of you space. This thinking is warped. If he is being angry and abusive to YOU, and he is upsetting YOU, then you need to tell him YOU need space from HIM, firmly. If he does not respect this then take it to the next level and demand it, explaining the consequences of him ignoring you or get it by leaving. He does not need you to give him space. Even his Mum would not give him space, she would put him in Time Out which is a punishment, if she was a good Mum. But you are not his Mum. You have your own son to consider. You cannot adequately parent your son if you also take on this man as a surrogate son.

    Basically you need to draw a line in the sand and tell him he may not pass if he cannot be civil to you. If you cannot do it for yourself, make damn sure you do it for your son. If you still cannot do it, then enlist the help of someone who can, such as the police. Take their advice on how to protect yourself. Do not ever let anyone tell you that you are being a bad person for standing up for your son, or for yourself.

    Very important though. You mention that when you try to set boundaries he goes into a rage. If this has ever turned violent, then forget all the above about putting him in time out, getting him to see reason, to empathise with you, to accept responsibility. He will never let you go quietly.Just up and leave when he is out. Do not leave a forwarding address, or contact him again.

  • It has been bizarre. He accused me of behaving like I'm better than everyone, if being insane, of causing our relationship problems. So I bent & agreed to what he wanted, altjough he was never really clear what that was. He said he'd never marry me (yay!,I don't want to get married again), and he'd never put me on his,deed. That makes me angry as,I have soent a ton on him & this house, and he is now renigging on the agreement we had to buy a house together. I gave in to gain some peace while I figure out how to get out of here. He woke up nasty as hell to me. I have,said nothibg, but "would you like...," or "may I get you...?" He has sat in his,recliber all day dozing in & off. It coyld be a mood swing. He was supposed to head to his ,sister's since he didn't go yesterday. I'm wishing he,would.

  • I guess this proves that you need to sow your seed on more fertile ground, or in other words, find someone who appreciates you instead of this loser.

  • It's strange that my heart is breaking, but I also feel elated. I did sign the lease & I lined uo some movers. Tiday I'll switch utilities out of my name. Last night he was very sweet. I let him be so, but I did not back out if my moving plans. He doesn't know about them & I'm not going to tell him. Thank you all for helping me think straight.

  • Well rid of him

    He's a 'gaslighter'


  • Sadly, he is. My ex husband was, as well, but he was so obvious and did so with purpose. This one is just...sad.

  • A great start to the New Year

    All good wishes :-)

  • Thank you!😊

  • And good luck with your future. I hope you can sort yourself and your son out with a good new home.

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