I don't understand myself

I've been ridiculed and mocked for being weird and stupid since fifth grade. It's because I fell in love with one of our male teachers and the whole school knew except him. I got depressed because he because he was 14 years older than me. And also because I was weird. he made me be all giddy and ridiculous. Afterwards I was a mess. And people turned on me. I was the drama queen and the girl who complains alot. And the girl who never had anything good to say. Who just said stupid awkward shit. I wasn't popular. Then I started A levels. It was a new start. I left some old friends behind. But in A levels a few random girls picked on me because I was stupid and I didnt stand up for myself. This was the time my anxiety hit me full on. And I began to think my friends abandoned me. All of them I just found faults in people. I used to get so mad. I became so sensitive. I became some one I didn't recognize myself. Now I am done and over with A levels. I am always expecting something extraordinarily good to happen to me. I thought this year on my 19th Birthday my friends will come we'll have fun. And they couldn't because they're all in universities and I'm at home waiting for somewhere to accept me. I spent the entire day on the bathroom floor crying. I lash out at my mom and she lashes out at me. I am frustrated all the time. I am angry and sad and mad at the same time. and with that I have anxiety and constantly think I'll die. And I feel my friends have isolated me. Because they have. I keep fighting with them that they aren't the friends I wanted. And now they've all left me to be. I am alone and sad. And depressed. And at home since months. I am going mad and Idk how to survive. I cant sleep at night i am afraid all the time. Idk what happened to the sweet little happy girl inside me. I have no one to talk to anymore. Idk what to do. Whenever I talk of my problems with people they say I complain And thag all people have problems so I should suck it up. I feel so alone amongst people. And nobody gets that problems are problems no matter what or whose. I have begun to resent people and I see no happiness and sunshine. And I hate this. Please can someone suggest me anything? 😔

9 Replies

  • Hi I don't see what's wrong with having a crush on a school teacher. I had a mad crush on an older man at this age too... But if you tell the wrong people then they will spread it and give them the chance to take the mickey out of you. That's a sad fact of life unfortunately. People especially young ones can be very cruel can't they?

    If I were you I would be very careful who you talk to about your life and any problems. Can you talk to your family or a good trusted friend? Don't let the world know your business. The adage of if you laugh the whole world laughs with you but if you cry you cry alone is unfortunately very true.

    I see you have put a lot of posts in and received some very good replies. Did any of them help at all? I can't read them all so can't remember whether you have sought help from a professional or not? If not you need to asap. Are you on any meds? Are you getting any counselling? You need to find someone to talk to whether it's a family member, friend or a counsellor to help you sort this out so please find someone. Don't talk to all and sundry about your problems as all they want is to enjoy life and not be brought down by anyone. x

  • Thank you. Thats what I feel too. I have friends really good friends who get it. But I want someone unknown like a therapist. The problem is I live in a country where going to a psychologist is mostly taboo and the psychologists here suck too. I've seen alot of family members gets worse. So I don't want to go to them here. and I tried anti anxieties I ended up feeling numb and weird.

  • Oh I see. How about online counselling then? Could be worth looking into. Bev x

  • Do tell me about online counselling. How does that even work? Like I mean the person can fraud you or stuff no?

  • Hi to be honest I don't know as I have never tried it. I guess there are scam sites out there as there are everywhere. I know a couple on here have so maybe they will be able to give you some advice. x

  • Thank youu :")

    I'm recovering though. Albeit very slowly but I am. :")

  • I would guess the best online counselling you can get is right here as you know we all have had difficult experiences and know what it is like to need acceptance and recognition as well as good advice sometimes.

    I was bullied throughout my schooldays and had no idea how to fit in, as a result my self-esteem became even lower, I was so unhappy that I truanted whenever possible and so when I went into school I felt stupid because I didn't understand any of the information, so I left school without any qualifications. It was only at 40 that I began to catch up - though of course we never can. I came to realise how bright I am and now have 2 degrees and 4 postgrad qualifications though I have never earned the kind of salary to reflect my abilities. I also spent much of my and my husband's money on private therapy over many years and it is only now that I am retired, emotionally and financially secure and enjoying life that I can leave the past behind.

    It is sad what childhood experiences can do to us but all we can do is to try to overcome the effects in the healthiest ways possible and if we have children then resolve to make sure we break the cycle and enable our children to feel confident and competent. My greatest pleasure is seeing my children happy and successful.

    Feel free to use the site as if we were your therapist, we will all support you as best we can.


  • Thank you that means alot to me. I try talking to my one or two close friends but they don't get it. And I can't expect them to either. And here I can read and share and I feel better telling. Psychologists make me uncomfortable. 😔

  • Hello dear i read your post and just yesterday i was discussing with my mum how i was bullied in primary school. I had a crush on quite a few of my male teachers and just as some of ur replies said that u just have to be careful of who u tell about ur feelings. When i was 19 i had friends but even with friends i still felt lonely. Counselling is a very good place to start. I know you say the ones in ur area is crap but i have a feeling is a question of generalization. Talk to ur gp to refer u to a psychologist but u need to go with an open mind and u may be surprised the help u will get. Am not a fan of online counselling bcos of alot of scam going on. Personally i have been ill all mylife although i was just diagnoised with lupus in 2011. I have good friends that look out for me but still it doesnt make us whole. But one thing that has kept me afloat is faith in God. I dont know what ur faith is like but i think it is worth looking beyond the void that people can fill and ask God to make us whole and happy again. You will see that the charming girl will come back again. I am Christain and my faith has kept me going. The world is a cruel place and we need a reliable friend like God to tell us its ok against all odds. Take care my dear and i pray you find the joy and happiness you truely deserve. Xx and Godbless you


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