Mental Health Support

Cannot get a date

I ask myself, why is it so hard to get a date, let alone a girlfriend?

I dont have male friends, and i do not meet people thru mutual friends. I chat up girls when i see one, but mostly get looked at like a weirdo. Doesnt work at all. Did it a million times. Now i try online gaming quite extensive.

I am not shy, im not bad looking at all, i do cool stuff, im not stupid (im not a native speaker, if i sound stupid its maybe because of that) , i have fun conversations but...

I use many different platforms and write to a lot of girls. From 100 mails i send i get 10 answers, I chat with three. Sometimes I chat with quite a few girls at the same time but they just disappear from my list one way or another. In the end i meet none of them.

It seems impossible for me to get a connection (how, threw chat?), respect or any commitment threw writing chat messages. I feel like they have their own story in their head and i am just an actor but cannot change the story.

And guess what, IF i meet someone, they turn out fo have boyfriends or are not interested in a sexual relationship at all and so on.

Thats the reason why the breakup with my gf is so hard. I dont even get any girl, let alone one like her.

12 Replies

My Dear Lumen, As people often say when they have something unpleasant to impart, this is for your own good. You sound a little superficial to me. You talk as if any girl will do ,not as though you are looking for someone to care for or love.Women can usually sense these things and most would not be interested in a relationship where they will be used. Try being yourself, and if you are nice and polite, kind, humorous , friendly you will probably be much more successful. Pam


I think this has more to do with online dating than with me being superficial. I start to care as soon as someone shows up for a meeting. How should you care if you dont know how they smell? Move, smile...

I ask this here because i guess most guys here are in my same position. And they probably experience the same.


I guess superficial might not be the best word. I'll try again. I get the feeling anyone will do? It takes time to fall in love and to get to know someone, It should be a lovely time for both people. If you meet on line or in person shouldn't matter. I am thinking of the long run with marriage as the end result, maybe that says more about me than it does about you. I feel women are more vulnerable in this situation and that probably has something to do with how I feel . Are you thinking short term, nothing serious? That line ' how they smell, move, smile' very sexy line that. I am beginning to get a whole new picture of you. I think you will be very successful. We need some male answers here or younger female answers.. Come on people we've got this. Pam

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They feel vulnerable for sure, but they do a good job in protecting themselves. From good and bad. And i´m in between.

Thanks for the `sexy line´. Yes thats the point, people get a wrong picture of me. They think whatever they are afraid of but dont realise that i am open for whatever happens except for long chats that mean noting anymore the moment you meet in person.


Well , you're right about the protecting part and that's part of the reason for taking time. I do think as long as you are direct about what you are looking for you will eliminate those who just want a chat. I have to say the more I chat to you the more interesting you become.Have I proven my point?


Yes quite well. I guess that might be what I experience.


I think you might also be coming over as a bit 'desperate'. Women can sense that a mile off and it scares them off. You need to go places where there are girls and get to know them as friends first. This is how I am have met any guy I could be interested in. Anyone who just chats me up I mark down as a bit of a 'player' and think he is only after sex and not a relationship.

The other thing is it's surprising that you rarely meet a person when you are looking for them, but as soon as you relax and stop looking so hard it happens.

The last point I want to make is are you going just by appearance? Young guys often do and thus overlook any other prospective possibilities.

I hope this helps a bit.

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I agree with lilaclil don't try so hard,go with the motion of the ocean and not swim against the current,because you will end up drowning in nothingness,let's be honest,no disrespect to any female,but for a man,females can be complicated to understand.

Now from what you wrote,it does come across as your trying too hard in trying to find someone be it for a one night stand or something long term,no female will just put out because you want it.

And no female is going to just jump right into something with both feet and make it a long term thing either,as lilaclil said you have to meet people first and if something comes if it then it comes of it,if not you have still made friend's.

By what you wrote,it's as if you just want sex,if that's the case,your very rarely going to find that on dating sites,with 1000's of other guy's undoubtedly looking for the same thing,when you message any female on a dating site,you just have to take a ticket because your probably guy 100 and something odd that's probably messaged her.

I just think you need to slow your roll a little and chill with it and just ride the roller coaster and let what happen's natrually take place,rather then just trying to force something to happen because sometimes that will no doubt cause a push back effect, in that the person your trying so hard to get with will just push back your advances even more and thus resulting in you feeling frustrated.

So in hindsight it's not just about getting a date,it's about actually meeting people and if you meet someone who has an interest in you,then perhaps thing's can progress into more if they and you both want that..

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Good replies I think,but I should have mentioned much earlier that this is a forum for depression. We can of course talk about other things in our lives. I think Lumen is more frustrated than depressed . Pam


Hi I just seen this post this morning and would just like to add the following, I have been single for 3 years after a long term relationship I also have no friends however being / wanting a partner in your life requires effort I joined a dating site 3days ago and have a date this Saturday and I'm petrified after I had a brake down 3years ago this is my 1st attempt in finding happiness since your post seems to lack sincerity sorry if that's harsh but finding a partner is not just about sex and that's how you have come across rethink what / how you post to these people you might find you get a different response I wish you well for searching for your partner.


This is only my belief..

When you really want something.. it will also want to come to you. And it will.

Concentrate on your career or studies whatever is the goal for your life.. girls will themselves come to you when you are successful. Please please do not spend your precious time in your life wanting to search for girls or gaming online.

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No it doesnt. I was sitting at home for years and nothing came to me. Especially not women.

This does not work for a man. Period. Yes I do waste my time with this shit. But if i wont i wouldnt have had a girlfriend for eight years and another one for a year. And to be precise not a single one in my life.

I write pages of text so i guess they wont think im after quick sex. Id rather assume they think im looking for a lot of writing and then noting.

Well interesting that i dont read anything from guys here who go threw the same thing.


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