Need some support and direction

[What_do_you_love]

As my title states I am in dire need of support and guidance. I am turning 50 this week and my life has been a mess for the past 8 years...my problems started when I resided in the canadian arctic and came across a boss that mentally harassed me I assume due to my sexuality. I worked for a government organization, myself and my coworker who was also a lesbian were constantly being harassed by this individual. Unfortunately it was too much for her to bear and she committed suicide. After her death the harassment continued towards me. A mutual friend of my coworkers couldn't deal with the suicide and attempted to suicide herself as well and I found her. As a result I was told by the medical profession that I needed to leave the territory for medical reasons. I relocated to southern canada and couldn't assimilate as a result I isolated myself in my home. I eventually met a special lady that helped me and we were together in a relationship for 2 and a half years. She began hiding and drinking alcohol and told me she had a brain tumour which was not true...so we broke up. Since our recent breakup I feel completely num and hopeless. My life consists of medical appointments and I am unable to work due to my depression. I should mention that I speant 10 years in the arctic and coming back has felt like I've relocated to a different planet. I have very few people that understand me and those that don't just fluff my problems away...I am completely alone with my thoughts other than communications wit my phsychiatrist and phsycologist. I also am dealing with a law suit against the government organization and all is just taking so long that I keep on reliving the harm that was done to me...my days are very dark and I'm not sure I can deal with life any longer...does anyone have any suggestions or words of encouragement for me...? I should also add that I've been diagnosed with ptsd as a result of my northern experience

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Hi I am sorry you haven't had a reply yet. The site can be quiet sometimes and I am sure others will be in soon.

You have so many issues I don't really know where to start. I do know the worst thing you can do is isolate yourself so even if you don't feel like going out try and make yourself even if it's just for a few minutes. Nothing can change for you under these circumstances. Keep on the with treatment and hopefully you will start feeling a bit better after a while. Are you on ad's? Or just counselling?

One thing which occurred to me is it worth the cost to your mental health of continuing your lawsuit? You obviously do have a very good case but sometimes it is worth just cutting your losses if it is affecting you so badly.

Just try and live day by day and not worry too much about the future. I know that's hard but it might help a bit.

Depression is a funny illness because you don't feel motivated to do anything, you have to do it first to find the motivation.

Stay with us here and we will help and support you all we can. x

[What_do_you_love]

Thanks coughalot I appreciate your response and suggestions...yes I have thought of just abolishing the law suit however, my position in the organization and my profession is employee relations consultant that pretty much deals with addressing and mitigating these types of work related issues. I feel that by just dropping it I am not protecting myself and enabling this behaviour to continue. I have a good command of workplace legislation and maybe I feel that this is the only way I know to keep my mind stimulated...and at this point I have already sunk too much money to just walk away...I can only hope that one day my story and workplace experience can be used in a legal context to help other individuals dealing with similar circumstances...I should add that I have been in this profession for 20 years now and feel that my career is tarnished beyond repair. Once you have been diagnosed with ptsd and depression you are always at risk of experiencing a relapse. The employer has a duty to protect employees if they have been made aware of existing founded of harassing behaviour.

I have nothing left and no family of my own...if I die trying to make a difference for the harassed population so be it...being gay I've been at a disadvantage all my life and I have had to fight for everything...

You are correct

[Findingme in reply to What_do_you_love]

Hi WDYL,

I can see that you feel you owe it to others to fight injustice, and that is a noble sentiment. But there is no point in martyring yourself. If this fight will take you over the edge, then no matter how much money you have already put in, it is not worth it. If the court case is causing the PTSD, or even just making it worse, might it be better to focus on your own health instead.

Ok, right now you have no-one in your life, but that might well change. And there may in the future be someone to whom you can make a real difference. Why not seek out gay groups and social events and find a new life where you are appreciated for who you are.

[What_do_you_love]

You are correct about the isolation..Im not used to the hustle and bustle of a city and at times I get severe anxiety. I'm scared to be out by myself and have an anxiety/panick attack as this has happened multiple times before...

I am on anxiety and depression medication however, recently I have been having more bouts of severe depression and am wondering if my meds need to be adjusted or changed. At the moment I do not have a phsychiatrist as my phsychiatrist of 3 years had a stroke and retired. My family doctor is trying to find me a phsychiatrist to no avail...I am on a waiting list but it could take up to 1 year. Nothing seems to work in my favor regardless as to how hard I try...the little energy I have is spent quickly without accomplishing anything.

I'm sorry if my posts and responses are so negative but unfortunately this is all I feel these days...which is another reason why I isolate myself...who wants to be around hopeless negativity...

[Findingme in reply to What_do_you_love]

who wants to be around hopeless negativity... - a very good question. Perhaps other people who feel the same, but cannot express it as well as you, like me.