I contemplated suicide for years. I even had a plan. It wasn't until my ex-husband, the father of my adult daughter, shot himself in the temple with a pistol, that I never thought of suicide as the answer again. He didn't die immediately. The hospital staff kept him breathing until my daughter got there. He passed away in her arms. My daughter believed she wasn't enough for him to live for. My daughter suffers from PTSD from what she saw. She is, was, a licensed nurse. Since this tragedy, her life has gone to hell. She got on drugs, left her family, two young boys, husband and has been a vagabond living from couch to couch in friends homes. She is also a convicted felon now for some bad choices she made and was caught. She has no job, no money, no car and is now running out of friends. The aftermath of suicide lives on forever with the loved ones left behind.
When I was thinking of suicide, in my mind everyone would be better off without me. Oh, that is so not true. My sweet grandsons don't understand where Papa is or why their mother left them. I have a mental illness, my daughter does, and so on. The meds I take are not always enough to quell the anxiety and sadness and hopelessness that rears up almost every day inside me. Knowing it will pass helps, if only for a few hours. I do know what it feels like not to want to die, but to be happy. I don't think anyone wants to die. All they want is peace. That's just my thoughts on how I feel for myself.
My daughter threatens suicide often. I do know if someone wants to commit suicide, there is nothing you can do to stop them. Maybe for a while, but they will find a way eventually. But, I hope my story will give you pause before making that choice. God bless you and love and prayers to all.
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MsTree
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That is very powerful and took guts and deep love for humanity to put forth here. Thank you. Very important words now in these times when a bad night makes folks want to throw in the towel. It’s always darkest before the dawn.
I do have a deep love for humanity. It was all the posts I read and couldn't respond to them all, that made me want to share this. My heart aches for the ones aching. Most of my sadness is not for me, but for the ones I love and are hurting.
I am so sorry for your loss and for your daughter’s terrible trauma over this. You’re suffering more than a mother can really express to anyone when they see their child in so much pain...I have no words I could say, I'm not in your shoes, but my heart breaks for both of you. I know its cliché....but I have researched a few websites I thought were very good and had a lot of resources, I hope they help....
I also think having as many resources during a crisis can help very much.....
Thank you so much. I do suffer silently. I suffer greatly. But I know there are others who have it much worse and so I thank God for my many blessings and the ones I'm not even aware of. Thank you and God you for the research.
I think everybody's pain is valid...we can't compare ours to another...some may seem lesser or greater but none the less, ... we all still suffer the same...
H MsTree, I am so sorry for your loss. It must have taken so much strength to post this and thank you for sharing this. You are welcome to post on the forum where you will receive help and support from other members. Thank you and best wishes.
I am very touched by your words and they are very powerful. You have seen at first hand how devastating suicide is for those left behind and the legacy of guilt it leaves them with. I hope your poor daughter can reclaim her life and I hope you are ok. x
I have to make myself be okay. I'm also raising my grandson since he was born. He's been diagnosed with non-verbal autism. He's 5 now. There is so much to be grateful for. I try not to think about the plans I had for my life. Life happens with many unexpected events that change our course. It's my big heart and capacity for love that will destroy me if I let it. I love so deeply for my children, and others, I feel their pain as though it were my own. It is this very thing that will kill me if I'm not careful. All I need is time alone every now and then to regroup my thoughts. I channel my sadness or anger through woodworking. I make crosses and give them to people whom I feel need to know someone cares. Thank you for your response and God bless
Have you heard of the term empath or HSP highly sensitive person? That may be what you are. I relate to that heart-twisting feeling of absorbing all the pain of the world and just feeling your stomach lurch at the site of others’ pain. It’s also interesting what you say about letting go of your idea of what your life would look like. And with your 5-year-old angel, your life is full of purpose and lessons in patience. You are inspiring so thanks for sharing your life here.
Yes, I have. I am an Empath. I didn't mention it on here because I wasn't sure how it would be accepted. I'm not schizophrenic. I'm learning to use this gift, or curse, in a better way. If that's possible.
Thank you for posting. I am thinking seriously of suicide and I know the pain it can cause to others. I am trying to hang on and I too believe that no-one WANTS to die, well not with a mental illness like we have; maybe with an incurable progressive or chronic terrible physical illness in the final stages yes. But with mental health it is so difficult. I have a reasonably healthy body yet I am in torment inside and feel unable to self care; ie literally just "Be" with myself. I keep holding on. I have tried a new therapist. It helped a little today. She said that self harm and suicide are defence mechanisms rather than a feeling, usually in response to a feeling that you feel is not allowed or is overwhelming.
Everyone has their reasons. Some people do it out of guilt for the crimes they have done or on understanding they have been caught.Some people do it because they feel they have transgressed a moral code of theirs, such as never being in debt or something like that. It's hard to go beyond what to you feels like "the end of the line" and too shameful. Other people do it because of shizophrenia or bi-polar and "voices" telling them they have to do it. So there are many and varied reasons; its important to understand that I think. Some people do it impulsively over the loss eg of a love affair or whilst taking drugs or alchohol they are more prone to act impulsively. I think these latter stated people can be helped and saved if caught in time by eg a crisis line.
So in my case I was never allowed to be "me" with a narcissistic mother. I was never allowed to have normal human needs or a personality. I have grown up only attached to her and then when she died I realise my attachment was all wrong; I have been conned out of a life, a husband, family, career (yes you've heard it all before; folks on here but you know when you're suffering you can't just "get over it". It is REAL damage I live with everyday. I am unable to look after myself emotionally or feel secure and I still feel like i've been conned out of even existing as a person "in my own right". At the age of 59 years in many respects I am like a tiny baby , having never been "allowed" anything emotionally.
There are many and varied reasons but your story illustrates what I have heard over and over which is the ripple effect of a suicide. It can and does damage other people. I am not sure who would be damaged in my case and how much, but there would be damage to other people in terms of how much they trust others they are trying to help and so on.
Its important people know about the ripple effect and your story tells it well. Another family ie. your own has been conned out of their lives in a sense through that suicide.
Thank you for sharing.
Also i had an idea. Not all of us can afford therapy on here. As long as i'm alive (and i genuinely don't know how long that will be for) I will try and share nuggets of information which may help some, as in what I learned today. Self hatred is not an emotion, it is a defence mechanism against having an emotion such as a need for a healthy bond or attachment with someone in early life and not receiving it. That makes sense to me in terms of trauma therapy. I was traumatised from birth (and probably before) and this adds up to me.
Gemma, you're a gem. I almost succeeded in an attempted suicide. Looking back, I'm so thankful I didn't die. It was in the next few months that my ex-husband did succeed. I overdosed on 70 valiums. Instead of killing me, I got sick and up they came. And, it was because of a chronic illness that causes me pain every day and I just wanted to stop the physical pain. Also, I do have mental torment as well. I recognize the mental pain will ease and go away for a spell. I've learned to live with the illness, the pain. Too many people need me. I know that now. Thank you for sharing. I hope you find your happiness.
There is clinical depression where you have no pinpoint reason for feeling that way. Clinical depression is horrible. My daughter in law is narcissistic. I've seen what it's done to my grandson. Of course, I try to compensate for her coldness by being overly free with love and giving. Not sure if it is a good thing.
I felt like you were telling my story when I read this reply. I've been so lost and havent know who I am or what to do about it my entire life. Your mother and mine must do lunch twice a week to compare notes, I swear! I've recently been going thru new health issues that have left me unable to work and that's when my mental health turned "eff this!" and truly suicidal thoughts and behaviors started coming more and more often. I've contemplated it since I was 10 and had self harming and the wish for death since 13. I've OD'ed a few times but when my situation was bleak enough just with trying to figure out what was wrong with me the bottom fell out and my fiance broke up with me leaving me homeless. Then my boss fired me for needing time off to deal with hospital tests and legal issues with a customer that was stalking/harassing me at the restaurant he owned ...but he wouldn't help protect the people he employed in case he might lose a few bucks of business. He said I wasn't committed enough to the restaurant and he couldnt tolerate my "need for drama". Like I asked him to smash my car windshield while I was working late on a weekend . Then I found out my ob/gyn had lied and gave me a hysterectomy when there was no medical reason to 16yrs later(I was 28 when he did it and my father had just been diagnosed with cancer ) THEN a month after i found out about that a tumor was found on my spine. I had no help and my family couldnt be bothered because i fell really low on the priority chart compared to all they had going on. So i really did it. Had to be brought back. And it sucked because i came back to worse and nobody cared. My anxiety and cptsd have gotten worse and I have no income or ability to work . I finally got diagnosed with RSD/CRPS a few months ago but there's no drs that will take me as a patient since im only on Medicaid and it's an incurable, progressive, rare disease. They dont care either. The lure to living is short sometimes but it's not that I want to die. The op is correct when they said its peace I seek. Mental, emotional and physical PEACE. A calm. I cant say how I've managed to not do "IT", except that my new boyfriends youngest son opened up to me recently about his depression when I drove him home from his visit. He was 14 and I was the only one he knew he could safely tell without freaking out and sending him to inpatient. He trusted me with it because he knew I'd been there. And I guess if he needs me then I need him too. I never want to see him hurt this bad having noone to listen and "get it. I never want to feel his loss. Almost 2yrs later and he still talks to me about everything- and told me that he loved me being his stepmom even if his dad and I dont marry. I still struggle. I try to think of how he would feel and then I call and thank him for saving me again. I hope all of us find peace without having to die to get it. Thank you for this post. I am on your side and anyones who feels hopeless or alone. I wish I could be more positive, but it's a start.
Wow i am so touched by this response. I can relate so much to the feelings you have mentioned. I have just driven myself home safely from my voluntary work. It isn't as you say that I want to die; it's just that the emotional pain is overwhelming and unbearable. I am truly in a living hell right now and cannot understand how an individual (me) can be in such desperate emotional pain and there is barely any relief. I am just trying to self care and keep myself safe. I am supposed to have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow but I honestly don't feel safe to drive there. Today driving home I was terrified ( and driving there) I am so poorly (again) but there have been recent stresses of my dad who is 96 being ill. I'm still trying to keep a hold. I have barely worked but in my voluntary work today I could see quite clearly "normal" families. ( I work in a cafe). Yes there is definately such a thing as a normal family and I can just see that striking difference between my upbringing and theirs. It feels so hopeless in so many ways but I don't have the guts to try and end it incase it goes wrong so I am trapped in a desperate hell a lot of the time.
It did ease yesterday evening and maybe it will ease again. I think just trying to go out and do stuff is perhaps causing extra strain. It's so difficult because before I went out I was the "S" word ( we won't say it). I kept thinking about it but i can't do it. Then I went and I tired myself out but I am still the "S" word; though as I say I distinctly and definately kept myself safe while driving so it isn't really anything at all about wanting to die; it is about wanting the torment to end. If we think of it in that way and imagine there is a "middle" place between life as it is and suicide then maybe that is the way to go; but it does feel terribly bleak to me.
But I will try and calm myself and carry on. I am going to ask the therapist tomorrow if I can have a telephone appointment instead. So it is clear to me that I want to protect myself in many ways and I will do my best to survive. I really need this hell to end though and don't know when it will. I try and keep an intellectual eye on it and tell myself that it is since my dad became ill and also since I had a terrible therapist that virtually destroyed me. I do have people I can phone though and I am keeping safe right now.
I'm so sorry about your situation. The pain is unimaginable isn't it.
Keep going and you are doing a good thing being there for your boyfriends youngest son. Even if that is the thing that keeps you going it's good enough. When I feel "S" sometimes I phone my dad as at least that is doing some good enquiring as to his health though at 96 he is failing and the whole thing; illness/death/ pain all feels unbearable and cruel to me. But I know my feelings are distorted and I cling on to the hope of the times when I have felt a bit better.
I know what you mean about driving. I've found that I cant go to dr or therapist appts by myself anymore. My anxiety is so bad that I've passed out at the wheel more than once and im not sure if it's because of an anxiety attack or if its self sabotage--me subconsciously letting it happen so im not really trying to die even though it feels like it would solve a lot of my emotional struggles as well as the physical pain. I totally empathize with you and you're doing great even though it doesnt feel that way in the moment. You're still here and I still wish no one had to suffer the way we are. I recently had a small victory that gives me only slightly more hope...but I'll take it where I can. My youngest daughter has contacted me in the last month after 19yrs of her father alienating me from her and her sisters. She's 21 now and im terrified of losing her again but we are doing ok so far. I am still trying to cope with the fact that I've heard nothing from or about her sisters, but I am trying not to push too hard about it and it has been a back and forth in my head ...from elated to devastated in .03sec. Thanking whatever powers of the cosmos for leading her back to me, but sobbing uncontrollably that I've missed so much and that they must resent me deeply for that. I want so much to believe that things will be ok, but knowing my ex and his family--im not holding my breath. Im afraid that my mental state will scare her away but , as with my boyfriends son, I've been straight up with her and it seems to give her some comfort as she has some issues with intrusive thoughts and anxiety herself. She was smart enough to get herself into therapy early though. Im glad things are different with mental health issues now. Not like I was young. Now its acceptable to be open about it. It's not the dirty secret we hide in plain sight anymore. Im so relieved that she doesnt have to go through the stigma and humiliation I did. That its blame free, unlike it was then. Like we would inflict ourselves with these disorders and we deserved the consequences of such selfish behavior. Smh ! I wouldn't want to be young now for love nor money. It's much harder for them with technology making them aware too young and society expecting more from them because the knowledge of EVERYTHING is so accessible. They dont get to be kids anymore and it hurts me knowing that I used to wish so hard to be a grown up so I could do what I wanted. Now I just wish I could go back and enjoy naptime and fingerpants and playing in the dirt with a cookie in one hand and a baseball in the other. The grass is always greener...I feel like soon it will just be a digital display on the walls and no one will ever experience those days of innocence again. I guess im not really helping with this kind of talk. If nothing else, misery loves company. Can I be misery this week? Next week we can trade...lol. I wish it was all that simple. I wish the best for you and hope today you can make it thru safely and tell me that you're ok. I can use all the good news I can get. Peace and virtual hugs to you always...*m*
Thank you for your response. Now, i have come too grips with everything. I had a bad life but all in my head! No one was ever mean too me, no ex's, no family or friends. I would be in a dilution of seeing me differently in a bad way. Never happy with myself. I was a runway model, started to become belemic (making myself vommit too lose more weight) i was already major skinny.i guess i never felt good enough in alot of things? But my attempt has put alot of positive dates for me. I am better now, to me. Never a problem with others 😉
Gemma whilst I totally get what you are saying and please don't take this the wrong , I know you had your reasons for staying with to your mother, despite being fully aware what she was like but at the end of the day you did choose to stay.
Ok your mother damaged your life but there comes a point where as adults we have to accept that we are responsible for our own lives regardless of how much damage was done to us by others. It doesn't do us any good to keep laying blame even where it is due so we have to accept what we have and learn to work with it.
This is not a criticism of you love but just a reality check. We all need to look forward and not back and find a life we can live in. x
I had to learn to do that. As much as I love my mother, she was an alcoholic and it devasted me as a child and I carried that with me into adulthood. I learned to put it behind me and know I was going to be okay.
Sorry to hear that MsTree. I have heard that many adults spend 2 thirds of their lives trying to get over the first 3rd and think there is a lot of truth in that. x
sharing that story, you are a truly remarkable lady, with g great sense of self worth, this depression and anxiety is a tough cookie, but we can learn to chop away at that cookie and spit out the bits we don’t want, the things that make me happiest are the simple things, going fir a walk, looking upwards, writing down what’s right instead of what’s wrong, sending you love and light, thank you x
The sunset was beautiful yesterday. Even after a day from hell with my daughter. I reflect this morning how bizarre it was. Ambulances, law enforcement, broken glass, a house destroyed, suicide threats, grandkids calling me to see if mama is okay. I came through it and wondered, WTH just happened? On my way home, God sent that sunset.
That makes me feel extremely humble. Thanks for sharing your story -it must of been hard but i think your words will give a lot of members an opportunity to reflect on the impact of going down that particular path. Thankyou
Thank you for sharing..it means alot..God bless you.
Wow,that was powerfull,thanks for having the guts to admit and speak from the heart.
Suicide didn't work for me, I took a heroine overdose deliberately thinking I knew it all and this was my way out,I came too paralysed from the waist down,had surgery to repair the damage but still live with the injury I caused myself,not knowing I'd recover,the problems I caused my family still haunt me,the damage done I'm proud to be alive,lucky to have lived at all,considering I wanted to check out,
The hardest thing I ever did was to face up to my problems,not blame others,accept some responsibility for my own actions.
From that day forward I have evolved and turned my life around for the better.
Everyone has the same choice,even when we at our lowest,the mind can be the most powerfull tool you will ever have, I totally respect your post and sincerely hope lots of others read it too,sometimes when we see the reality of our choices,it gives us food for thought. Thanks again.
Thank you for sharing. Doesn't it feel good to know you don't want to die? Just to realize it is only peace we seek? I watched the sunset yesterday and it was so beautiful. Even though I had had a day straight up from the pits of hell, that sunset showed me once again how much beauty is in the world.
Thanks again for sharing your words are truly inspiring,
I can't take away your pain,being able to express yourself openly and honestly and without fear or favour shows true God given strength of character,cyber hugs from my heart to yours.
IM ONCE again stepping back from my own demons as YOU HAVE recently, far enough to hear and think about your kind words and enjoy the sunshine, you have prompted me to watch the sun set tonight remembering. It is good to be alive and quietly thinking just how lucky I am to have made it back here again today.
I sincerely wish you some calm and a lull in your suffering,thanks again.
Thank you for sharing this post I re read to remind myself that I never want to go back to feeling like that and how much harm it could cause if i did.
Thank you for your post. I have been contemplating my way out, but I have two daughters that are still young. I hate my self because how can I be so self fish and believe that they will be just Ok. That they are strong enough to cope with her daddy death.
For now, I can relate to your experience and I hope that knowing they will not be ok once I kill my self will be enough to keep e alive. BUt I don't want to be just this grey person with no emotions. How can I shine when all I feel is darkness?
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My mother is the main reason for my depression.
Lonely and hopeless 
Feeling cross and frustrated.
Divorced and starting over
