I'm new here. I can't sleep and was googling and searching for answers and came across this wonderful site. I have been battling depression on and off for many years. I have been in and out of psychotherapy. I'm 38 years old and I have an amazing husband and 3 beautiful children 2 sons and a baby daughter. My problem throughout my life is my mother. She talks at me not to me. She interferes in almost every part of my life. My Father died 12 years ago, him and my mother divorced when I was 17 that was a really difficult time also. I only have one sister who cut me out if her life one year ago after I confronted her in the nicest possible way to ask her why she was treating me like an outcast and constantly freezing me out of her and her childrens lives. I was the scapegoat of the family and she was the golden child. I've no doubt that my sister is also battling depression and instead of looking towards our mother for why she feels so bad she blames me for how she feels. We had no argument, she couldn't even give a reason. She hust severed all ties. I have been more or less grieving this loss for the past year. I have battled with my weight over the years and now im at my heaviest. I'm trying my best to do something about it by eating as healthy as I can and starting to excersise. My.mother was in my house a week ago and she was wearing a jacket I hadn't seen before. I asked her where she got it and she said her friend gave it to her because it didn't fit anymore. It was too big for my mother and she remarked this herself. She then asked me to try it on and I did and it was too tight. She then said thats a size 16 (European size) so you're bigger than that. I said its tight around my tummy and chest im workibg on that. She said thats basically you're whole body, how did you let your weight get to that extent? I felt like she had kicked me in the stomach. I didn't react I was in shock. I didn't want an argument as I was ready to leave the house to collect my son from school so I just said that id drop her home because I've a busy day ahead. The next say she phoned me to ask me something about a hotel that id stayed in and I decided to let her know how upset I was. She denied saying it which was unbelievable and then she tried to brush it off. I then reminded her about my depression and all the family upset with my sister and she said everyone has problems with family (in other words, get over it) I said not everyone has had to deal with what ive had to deal with from you & my sister. She said oh is that so and hung up on me. That was 5 days ago and she hasn't contacted me since. I'm finding it all very difficult but I refuse to contact her because she only thinks of herself and sees herself as a victim. This is not the first time that she's upset me with weight comments. If she genuinely cared and said it in a loving caring way out of concern for my health that would be different. She does not do affection or show any love. One thing I will say she shows alot of live for her grandchildren but never to.me or my sister which I find really strange. I have learned from therapy that im worth more and deserve respect. I'm sure there are people out there who can relate to my story.
My narcissistic mother has abused me ... - Mental Health Sup...
My narcissistic mother has abused me yet again and im in a very dark place right now....
Wow! I can certainly relate to much of what you say. My mother was narcissistic and critical. She wondered why I didn't visit her more, even though she was 20 minutes away. You'be named some reasons. Whether under or overweight, she was always at me. Why would I keep away from that? I have a sister in town that saw much more of mom than I did. Mom died two years ago. Since then, my sister has let me know numerous times that I should have visited mom more often.
I also have depression, bipolar, and that makes everything harder.
My mother and I had issues from my childhood. Those were never really resolved.
In all the time I had trouble with my mom, she hung up on me twice. I didn't call her back. I let her call me back.
When the 4 of us were kids, I don't remember her being affectionate. But her last 20 or so years, that part was better.
Mother/daughter relationships can be really hard. We both know that. Take care, keep us posted, Nesie 237
Thank you @Nesie237 it's really awful what you've expierenced also. I will lean on my husband and this group for support. I find it hard to talk to my friends about all this, after everything with my sister and now this people would probably think im the one with the problem because its just so hard to believe myself at times that she can be so cruel. I'm definitely not phoning her, shewill need to call me. You definitely made the right decision to not visit her much. Why subject yourself to more abuse? You did your best and your sister has no business saying that you didn't visit enough. She has no idea how you were feeling. Take care
Mycherona, yes, I have, I'' sure we're not alone either. It's great your husband is supportive. The group does help. Virtually talking to people you don't know is much easier than talking to friends who are closer to the situation.
I tried to explain to my sister why I didn't see mom more, but all she saw was that she had to pick up the slack and see her more. She did her laundry, took her out shopping every Friday. Mom didn't drive. Mom came to expect it. I lived elsewhere from 1996-2010, so the habits were kind of ingrained. I was actually so overwhelmed with my mother's demands, I moved two states away in 1996. I stayed gone awhile. I could choose when to visit that way. Anyway, take care, my day is just beginning. Nesie 237
Hi there Mycherona.
These things are terrible to hear from someone who is supposed to love you.
In all honesty, though you may not like to hear this, I think it's time you cut your ties with this woman and move on with your life. There is no law that says you have to love the family that you came from. Especially if that family brings you nothing but grief and heartache.
My mother in law was like this and in the end my husband and I stuck together and walked away. It was the best thing we ever did. From all accounts she never changed until the day she died. Some people just aren't worth giving up your sanity for. I think your depression could be helped by not having someone so negative in your life. These are just my thoughts anyway. I hope you can find some peace in your life whatever you do.
Thank you Lbk64 I hear what your saying about cutting all ties but I don't think that I could fully do it. I know that I wouldn't have the strength. I will however I will do low contact. I used to phone her daily. That will now be once/twice a week. She will want to see the grandchildren and I need to limit that too because I need to protect them from the toxicity. Its very tough that someone thats supposed to love you could treat thier own flesh and blood like this but really shes all about herself and its takung me years to discover that. My Dad wasn't really an involved fatger he had his troubles too....depression. He escaped alot and spent more time away from the home than in it & with my mothers behaviour who could blame him. Six months after he died I met my husband. I had always dated the wrong guys but this time was different & I truly believe that he sent my husband to me. I feel blessed to have such a good man in my life. He's not perfect don't get me wrong but hes loving, kind, caring & supportive. He adores our children and me. I.need to focus on the positives and be grateful. I'll get to a healthy weight slowly but surely & definitely seeing & hearing less from my mother will be key. I'm currently studying in night school and from Monday im knuckling down and no longer letting my mother consume me. You're right it needs to stop and im saying no more abuse from now on. I'm happy for you that you found peace after everything with your mother in law abd its fantastic you and your husband stuck together through it. I hope I find peace to live my life to the full. I feel that im on the starting line. Thank you again. Take care
Sounds like you've had a hard life. I will never understand some parents or peopl for that matter. Absolutely your children need to be protected. I know with my mother in law that she damaged one grandson in particular so badly that he needed to be medicated. It's a hard and long story to explain but she basically tormented him and convinced him that his half sister was evil that he was planning on killing the half sister. He was 9. She was such an evil and vindictive woman I kid you not. She never got to meet our son as he was born after we walked away from the whole family. They were all bent and twisted. I could never understand the hatred as I had come from a large very loving and supportive family. I never knew parents and siblings could be so nasty towards one another until I married in to the family from hell. We have no regrets. None at all.
My oldest daughter is on the larger side and I would never be so hurtful to pick on her weight. She is a beautiful girl and that's what people need to see. She suffers from anxiety also. People can be cruel but it's 1000% worst when comments come from family. They're supposed to be the ones who understand and support you, not tear you apart. I hope you can be happy no matter what your weight.
Thank you for your kind words. I wish you happiness and light in your life. Keep in touch if you like. I'd like to know that things are improving for you by minimising contact with your mum. X
Hi Mycherona, I am so sorry you are experiencing this awful pain right now. I can relate to this so much, also having a narcissistic mother who divided the family and even went so far as to not allow me to contact my siblings.
I got to a point where I ran away from home the abuse was so bad. I came back a few times, but every time it got worse. Now, fifteen years later I tried to reconnect with her for the sake of my new partner and she played nice for about a year... then WHAM! She hit me where it hurt, created a drama and blamed me for it, and reconfirmed that she was incapable of a true human emotion.
Grieving the loss of her is hard. I just have to come to terms with the fact she was incapable of loving me and I have to give myself the love that I never got as a child, fill my own void.
I feel like an orphan except my parents are still alive. Reaching back out to my siblings has been hard too, as they have no idea what I went through being much younger than me.
I just wanted to share this with you. My mother was always criticizing my weight as well. I realize now she was just projecting her own self-hatred onto me. Same as when she called me a slut, and other damaging things, she was really talking about herself.
I hesitate to say this, but it is kindly meant and I hope it helps. I think a lot of the extra weight you are carrying might be actually related to having this toxic person (your mother) in such close proximity. I only say this because when I was a teenager I put on so much weight when I was unconsciously insulating myself from the abuse of my mother.
The body reacts in strange ways to protect itself.
No doubt, somehow you need space from your mother. You are a wonderful and kind mother sounds like, and are trying to get on with your life, and deserve happiness. Somehow and I wish you luck with this, it's not easy, you need to distance yourself from her.
It will be messy but worth it. I know because I did it. I moved to a different country. Now that's extreme and not possible in all cases, but putting that geographical distance can be an easy fix. This person is unkind and cruel to you and no matter that they are your mother or not, they are doing you serious damage while you let them into your life.
There are a lot of youtube videos on the subject of narcissism, which I watched when I first became aware of it. They might help you as well to put things in perspective.
Lots of love and hugs and wishing you the best on your healing journey.
Thank you so much Hidden your words will give me great strength. Take care of yourself also
People who criticise you about your weight often have a vested interest in keeping you fat. They push food on you and interrupt any effort to get fit. They create dramas which lead you to comfort eat,then comment about it. This is all to make themselves feel better. Once you realise this they have less power over you. This is their problem. You can feel sorry for them, but refuse to play along.
Wow never thought of it like that! She doesn't push food on.me in fact she watches everything im preparing for myself she'll often make comments like are you hungry again?! Even though its been a 3/4 hours since I've eaten. Shes often said you need to learn how to eat properly and not just eat for eating sake! She says the cruelest things. Its time for me to start living & stop letting her hold me back. Thanks for giving me new insight Findingme
That'll do it just as much as putting cakes in front of you. Your relatonship with food gets caught up in her power play. This takes the pleasure out of preparing and eating food you know is right for you. If you are not strong minded it is really off-putting. If you are not assertive you may also find yourself falling into the trap of using unhealthy food as a form of passive aggressive rebellion, or to provide comfort when you feel hurt by her comments. Could you explain this to her, or would doing so make you feel upset if she did not respond well? Has she been supportive of your feelings in the past? If not, rather than try to deal with your Mum, why not look to how you can sort your own life out, to create your own space, so you can make your food choices in your own way.
Or you could try to brush her off with the words, "Mum, for gods sake shut up. No-one likes a know it all". And just carry on with eating what you believe is the right food for you.
Thinking about how to deal with pushy people made me google snappy comebacks. Here are a few more I found at this site. ishouldhavesaid.net/2015/01...
If I was meant to be controlled I’d come with a remote.
You. Cut out that egocentric control bullshit now.
I’m sorry that the control freak in you activates the psycho bitch in me.
There is nothing wrong with being a control freak if your controlling your words, behaviour and attitude.
I’m going to need you to turn down your psycho for just a bit.
I find it curious how people who have no self-control and respect for your feelings are the same people who demand self-control for you.
Everyone has a right to an opinion, and I have a right not to listen to it.
Go find someone else to control because you are not controlling me.
When you try to control everything you enjoy nothing.
People often forget that it is your own choice of how you want to spend the rest of your life.
Any help?
Omg thank you Findingme you have been so helpful! I just have a missed call from her and im going to phone her back with and use some of these quotes. I will let you know how I got on. It has been a week since she said this and she knew how upset I was and hung up the phone on me. It took her a full week to phone me, just proves she doesn't really give a dam.
Hi I totally get where you are coming from. I was constantly put down by my mother too and went to London at 18 to escape from her and my family who were crushing me. I did visit them all a couple of times a year for 20 years. That was plenty.
How to cope. Build a brick wall and make it thick and strong so she can't hurt you any more. Limit your contact with her as much as you can. Do not invite her to your house, and if she turns up say you are busy, are going out etc. You do not have to ring her, or limit it to once a month. Make yourself unavailable.
Most importantly you are not going to change her, so look for support and approval elsewhere. The only thing you can do is change yourself so she can't hurt her anymore. It does work. x
Hi I just want to thank you all for your support. It has been a great comfort to me. My mother phoned me earlier today. She apologised and I said if you really cared about how upset I am why did you take a week to come back to me? She said she was giving me space. I said thats not true you hung up on.me when I was clearly hurting. I asked her how could she not care about her daughters feelings? She said I do. But really I know shes just about herself. She seemed remorseful. I knew by her tone of voice which is never as soft spoken. I told her that I won't allow her to abuse me again and she needs to stop interfering with my life making comments about me, my husband, our children and my home! I told her she needs to not to my house for a while. She agreed and said I'll give you a few days and contact you again. She said she is so upset about the situation with my sister cutting me out of her life and she is taking her anger out in different ways. I said my sister is dealing with her own demons from childhood and how would she know how to resolve our situation when we were never shiwn how. Our whole life was rows and arguments in that house and no one ever saying ok sit down we need to resolve this. You are still the same abusing, hanging up phones and silent treatment. I will keep letting her know when she hurts me and upsets me abd hopefully things will improve and I can heal my life. Thank you all again.
Oh dear. Narcissists never change. I went full no contact with my elder (adopted, thank God - no blood of mine!) sister as soon as my darling Mum passed away. Before Mum became ill, I also had not spoken to the sister for more than 15 years or so. The woman is the very essence of evil. I would say, "You wouldn't believe it" about her, but unfortunately, I get that a lot of you in this thread, WOULD believe it, because of your own experiences with narcissists. Protect yourselves from them, whoever they may be, in relation to you. Narcissists are sociopaths.
Thanks for your support NFDK my sister treated me really bad for years and I took it. I was oblivious to the fact that it was emotional and mental abuse and also verbal. just over a year ago I confronted her about how badly she was treating me and I spoke from the heart about how much I wanted us to have a relationship as sisters. Instead of using it as an opportunity to heal she caused an argument and cut me out of her life. I'm still getting through the hurt and rejection but more and more as time goes on I realise that im a goid person and I did nothing to deserve that treatment. She has so many issues mostly envy and jealousy and myself and my children whom she has never had an interest in are much better off without her in our life. I don't wish any bad towards her I just lije everyone else on here need to respect ourselves enough to not allow anyone to treat us badly or abuse us anymore.Love and light to all of you.
No, you didn't do anything wrong, Mycherona . The narcissist is the abuser, always. Many people who are their sisters, brothers, sons, daughters etc. wonder why there can't just be a normal relationship between them and they carry on trying to achieve that with the narcissist all of their lives. I heard this once and thought that it was so true - "You wouldn't go to a pet shop for ice cream. That would just be stupid. They have never had any ice cream for anyone and they never WILL have any ice cream for anyone. Going to a pet shop for ice cream is like going to a narcissist for love...they've never had any love for anyone and they never WILL have any love for anyone." You get the picture. Sad but 100% true. Never let the narcissist get under your skin and never, ever feel sorry for them. They are ALL very dangerous individuals. Take care, Wendy x
Trapped in the cycle of abuse.
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