Feeling lost / work problems

I have just joined this forum. I was diagnosed a6 months ago, but now know I was suffering from depression for 6 months before that. I managed to work until April, when I was admitted to hospital. I was working in the afternoon and an hour later was admitted. I spent 9 weeks in hospital, and am still off work. Now into my 5 th month offs. My work doesn't understand. They keep askin me when I will be back. I don't know the answer to that. They laughed at me when I said I had depression. Told me everyone felt like that on a Monday morning. Since then I have got worse again. Self harming much more, withdrawing from friends, not sleeping. I have planned suicide. But obviously I haven't done it yet. I was told to give my nurse all extra meds but I hid some and kept them. My nurse is coming to see me every day. I know I couldn't work just now, but I feel I should be trying and I must be really weak and a failure that I can't. I don't know what to do. I have the nurse win contact with me every day. I am seeing a psychologist every week and seeing my psychiatrist in a week again. I just don't know how much more I can take. Everything spins round in my head. I don't think the medics realise even though I have tried to explain. I have never cut myself until last week. In the last 5 nights I have had 10 hours sleep but haven't slept for 2. Nights. Not slept at all. Any tips would be good


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9 Replies

  • Hi Brandboxarnie, welcome and a big hug x.

    I have just woken form a drug induced sleep and read your post. Sometimes just switching off our overactive minds can be one of our biggest problem, so I do hope you managed a little sleep after you posted, there’s nothing worse than tossing and turning.

    Try not to take your colleagues asking when you are coming back to work as them not understanding, could just be they would like to be supportive, but without you there can’t be? Try not to feel the pressure, there is no hurry what so ever to get back to work too quickly, that’s something you will face when you are ready.

    For a lot of people depression and self harm may never go away, so your looking for a way to cope with it rather than cure it and for that there is lots about that will help.

    This week I have been looking at Paul Gilbert workshops on youtube and reading one of his books on depression, it’s written in a lovely style of person to person and feels like he is sitting there trying to help me personally.

    Help can come from the most unexpected places, and when you talk to the people here you will find lots of support and sharing of information, it’s a time to try all new things out there until you discover the ones that help and the ones that don’t.

    I used to find I would have to hit rock bottom and be on deaths doorstep before I could even begin to crawl up again, now I only slide a little down before I pick myself up and start back on the right track again.

    My therapist at the moment comes in the form of a music teacher! But what he says in my lessons I try in everything else I do. You have to repeat the good helpful things over and over and over, and even then some days they just don’t work, but as long as you keep trying, they can work eventually. He tells me I am actually the teacher and he is only there for guidance, which I think is true, everyone around us can try as hard as they like to show us the way, but in the end unless we can start having compassion and kindness for ourselves it can be a very difficult journey.

    Glad to meet you here and hope today turns out to be one of your brighter ones.

    take care and lots of hugs from me xx

  • Thanks monib. No sleep at all last night. That's two nights in a row with absolutely no sleep. I wish I could somehow switch my brain off. But I can't. I will have a look online for the Paul Gilbert things you mentioned. I will do anything just now to help me. I will try anything that is suggested by anyone here to make things a big better. I guess because I am someone that has never been good at taking time to look after me if I am physically ill I am finding it so so difficult when there is nothing to see that proves I'm ill.x

  • remember you have nothing to prove! most illnesses you can't see, it's just the treatment can be a little more straight forward for them, so people find them easier to understand.

    Our minds on the other hand are the most complex part, but they sure can be amazing when you think about it.

    You must be so exhaused from lack of sleep, I know I feel groggy from pacing the floors until 2am last night, and I have had a few hours in the end.

    SLSL has posted some lovely links on meditation and mindfulness , don't be disheartened if it's too difficult at the moment, but there a great one to come back to if thats the case.

    Sometimes we have to resort to taking medication to calm down even if it means getting unhealthy sleep (if there is such a thing) talk to your care providers and ask what they can offer?

    They can be a little over cautious when they worry that you might self harm, but if they are coming regularly they can give you just enough for one night at a time.

    Try not to over think all this, one day at a time is a better aproach, and know that you are not alone.

    take care xxx

  • I really feel for you and what you are going through.

    I am really pleased you are seeing your nurse daily and seeing the pychiatrist and psychologist on a regular basis.

    However even with this medics don't always have the time to care as much as we need them to and we need to self care a little at the same time.

    Please forget about working and what your work colleagues think. Depression is a serious illness which needs treatment and you are not putting it on or being lazy!

    I know exactly what you mean about the lack of sleep and the mind being overactive. It WILL eventually pace itself out a bit more but obviously your resistances are low at the moment so take it slowly. If you can find any healthy distraction like watching DVD's like Bugs Life Ants that sort of stuff ie tales with nice family values and not depressing stuff then that may help. Though each people's distraction is individual. Maybe for you it is painting or a walk outside, looking at flowers/plants/ water, whatever works for you. Try and think of something which could lift your mood a little .

    Gemma X

  • Hi Bandbixarnie. Firstly a big warm welcome to this Forum. Now don't worry about getting back to work at the moment. Also when people say flippant things to you aboy Drpression. -about everyone being Depressed on Monday. They say these things because

    They often feel uncomfortable and don't know what to say, when I was working that was my experience.

    My boss would have said all sorts of things to me when I was off sick with Depression, I will tell you a few so you can have a laugh.

    " oh we are all Depressed". " I'm too busy to be Drpressed". " work is the best therapy

    For depression"

    So Arnie put all these comments to one side, you will get better and can then think

    About going back to work. Now I'm not sure what your personal situation is,

    Are you married? Or do you live alone ? All these bits of info would help me to get

    A picture of you.

    Sleeping is very important for recovery, do you take excercise during the day?

    Or are you just sitting on the couch? If your not working and not going out for long

    WAlks , then maybe your just not tired enough to sleep. Don't worry too much

    About this, but tell your Dr. About it.

    Have you any idea what caused this Depression? Or have you been put forward for

    Any kind of talking therapy to see what's going on.

    Arnie there is a lot of things you can do to manage your mood and I won't go into everything here or it would take too long.

    Please go online and arm yourself with all the knowledge you can.

    Don't try everything together. Pick. One or two positive changes to make. 1. I will

    Eat a good diet every day. 2. I will go out and about to shops or cafe . 3. I will take

    Things day by day and not get bogged down by the future.

    Please try and be really honest with Dr.or Nurse about keeping your Tablets or else

    You will be the loser .

    Lastly keep in touch here with us , I could safely say we have all been where you

    Are now, but there is hope and it's worth it to keep trying to put one foot in

    Front of the other.

    This is a great site for Support and the people are kind and helpful and each will

    Have something to give you.

    Arnie I hope this makes some sense as I'm tired myself right now due to

    Back pain .


  • Thanks for your reply. I have apparently been given a 7 day prescription for night sedation which is meant to be urgent but depends on when gp deals with it. Could be Monday. I think I have now had 15 hours sleep since I got up on Sunday. I am doing plenty exercise, I fact my cpn often tells me off for doing too much. It makes no difference to my sleeping. I am not on my own at home, I live with my fiancé, who tries, but doesn't really get what's happening to me. Things are getting worse rather than better

  • Please forgive my typos. I'm in bed using IPad.lol

  • Hi Arnie

    I'm not having a great morning so please forgive me for writing very little, but I just wanted to greet you and say I fully understand you. I joined last week and the guys here are amazing. We all seem to have our ups and downs on here and we share with each other.

    I find the hardest thing is not to beat myself up and I sense you have the same. We need to learn to take it step by step.

    Welcome to this forum and I hope it helps you

    Big hug x

  • Hi there and welcome. I am sure you will find this site very useful, I know I have.

    You really shouldn't see yourself as weak. And your employers are complete jerks for treating you like that. Depession is not something to be laughed at, it should be taken seriously as people have died from it and still continue to. In all fariness to onlookers though, they have no idea what it's like. It's hard to have empathy when you can't imgaine what something feels like. It may be worth a try phoning citizens advice and explaining to them how your employers have treated you. It's not right, what they are doing is bullying/discrimination. As long as you have a doctor's note, you can be off as long as you need to. Citizens advice may able to suggest something, maybe even a way to approach your bosses about this..

    You will struggle to get better if you are being rushed back to work as it will cause stress, so try not to worry not too mcuh. I know that is hard as you feel you may lose your job but your health is the most important thing right now.

    Much love xx

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