My first post here, I live in the U.K., I am 48, and have had several bouts of depression the latest following my mums death from a brain tumour after a long battle with cancer, which was April 2016, I changed jobs to be nearer to her as I was visiting every day after a long commute for work and to have some quality time with my son who is only 2.5 now and I thought I worked through the grief and her death. Recently my ex boss left and took away a large part of the business accounts I have been hit with a paralysing depression and I'm missing my mum as if she had just passed away, she was my one true confidante. I can't sleep, eat and my negativity is causing my marriage to fall apart, even my son who I adore and was a real miracle and an IIVF baby is growing distant from me as I'm so consumed by my depression. I'm on a written warning from work as I have been unable to perform anything like the standards needed to maintain it.
I can't seem to do anything, sleep when it comes is the only respite I have my waking days are full of anxiety and self doubt. I see people posting about reading and running etc but I feel no joy in anything in my life. I really don't want to take tablets and I know I need to help myself out of this mess but can't see a way out without losing my job and I'm the main earner in the household so that would bring on financial pressures. Sorry so long but just needed to put it all down and rant it out.
Any advice appreciated as to where I even start.
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Redcol5
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6 Replies
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The loss of a Parent or close family member can knock the stuffing out of those left behind and sad to say medications may need to be taken for a period of time. The loss can make us feel quite low for several years afterwards and if we have not been allowed to grieve properly these feelings can become life disruptive.
One thing you can do is if you have family members on your side of the family or close friends who knew your family, not forgetting Mother is try and talk to them about this loss. Talk about past good times and sometimes bad periods, this will give you the chance to remember your Mam as a younger more vital person, the problem is sometimes final days of life can lead to other problems and they need to be addressed as well. Many see the final days as a very base time and various raw feelings can be brought about, You need to be able to talk all these out and move on remembering life is full of negative and positive memories that need to be addressed and filed away to allow you the chance of moving on.
Your GP can arrange some CBT to get over your feelings and talk them out with a trained nurse. With your problems at work they could also be addressed around the same time.
In the past I have had many deaths, some not peaceful and I found spitting out my grief and anger at the loss, that seemed to help me. Sometimes when we are close to those who are passing over we see a very sick person with a negative prognosis, We remember them when they were young and vital You see them now in a more negative period of their life, this is normal and distressing You have possibly looked after them over an extended period of time and you will need to understand you did your best and those passed before would expect you move on and carry on through your Life Learning Time. You will hopefully meet at the other side ??.
You need now to be there for the living, eventually you will remember the good times and smile at a more positive time when Mam was alive and kicking
I sympathise deeply with your situation, I lost my mum almost 2 years ago and it was harder to deal with after the first year had gone by. I though I was getting over it after a few months, then it started to affect me really badly. It's a bit easier now, but I am no where near out of it. I think the shock of loss in some ways numbs the depression, at least it did with me, then when that passes it hits you like a train. Not everyone understands how deeply loss can affect people, and it can take a long time to improve. I won't say that you ever get over it, I don't think I'd want to just move on and forget but people say that it does improve with time and I think things are slowly getting better for me.
Perhaps the self doubt comes from a feeling that we are in some way, partly responsible for the death of the person we were close to, in so much as we could have done more to help prolong their life. I know this is my problem, I also know it's not entirely rational and that's why talking about this does help, as other people can offer an unbiased view of your situation. You could try Cruse if you haven't already, it surprised me how my feelings and thoughts were common to many bereaved people.
Motivation is a real problem. I'm lucky in that I work from home and can just go and sit in the garden when things get on top of me, but I do find work helps as it gives me something to focus on and forces me into a routine. Try to separate work from the other problems you have and push the dark thoughts away while you are busy. You can come back to them later when you have more time, that's what I always think! Focus on individual tasks in work, and try to do things in small slices rather than do large jobs in one go. That's much easier to cope with when you feel a lack of motivation and connection with things, and it actually makes you work more efficiently as it reduces boredom and fatigue.
I don't think about the future, I just take each day as it comes - if I have a bad day, then tomorrow will probably be better.
One thing I found difficult to deal with was the loss of joy in my life, that is almost a bereavement in itself. This is something I am coming to terms with, because you do adjust to changes in your life eventually - it's the nature of the human mind to adjust to it's environment, both real and perceived, and it's surprising just how much you can adjust to in life.
I can relate to your position about medication. I have decided to go down that route as a last resort only, so I know it's there if and when I need it. Don't feel that you have to take pills, but if you are not coping alone then talk to your GP - the preferred treatment approach is usually to try talking therapies first.
Hope this helps.
Hello Redcol5,
I am sorry to read of the loss of your mum due to a brain tumour. It is not unusual to suffer delayed grief and depression some time after the loss of a family member you are close to.
You describe your depression as paralysing and feel it is having a negative impact on all areas of your life; your relationship with your young son, your marriage and your work.
You have made a start by posting here. I think that you need to visit your GP and tell him/her how you are feeling and how this is affecting your home and work life. It may be that you need tablets to lift your 'mood'. I think you may also benefit with some support to talk about your unresolved grief and also to help you with the difficulties you are experiencing in your home and work life. Your GP will know who is most suitable to help you.
Give yourself time, try to be kind to yourself and try not to compare yourself with others. I hope this is helpful. Take care,
I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through, I'm so sorry you lost your mother and confidante. I'd be a huge unfunctioning mess without mine.
People deal with grief differently and I'm not surprised it still feels like it happened yesterday. It wouldn't be natural if you had gotten over this loss quickly. Grieving is a natural process and we have to let ourselves go through it at our own pace.
It sounds as though you're giving yourself a really hard time and there is lots of external pressures on you. On top of dealing with the grief you have also had to cope with major changes at work, an infant child to care for, and financial pressures. It sounds as though you're not actually getting the time you need to grieve properly.
Are you able to chat with your new boss about getting some time off work? You could explain that you're close to breaking point and that you understand the business has needs but you also need to deal with your mental health. You could ask a doctor to sign you off sick long-term?
Would councilling/therapy help?
Could your partner take on more hours so you can cut back on yours?
When you feel like you're drowning, you need open up, can you talk to your partner or close friend?
An update and some advice please - I have been to see the doctor got upset talking to her and decided to start on some meds and have got some counselling through work starting on Monday.
I'm on sertraline 50mg once a day for a week then 100mg plus propranolol 80mg 1 daily only started on Tuesday but awful side effects dry mouth, pounding headache and swollen lips but the worst is the insomnia and hallucinations and I feel much more anxious than before starting them, very early days I know but is this usual?
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