Feeling Lost, Unable to cope!!

[Gill1983]

Hello, Im new here!! So a little bit of a background. I was a very happy lucky child, got some wonderful memories, until my mother met her Ex Husband, he was fine with us (me and my sister) until our little brother was born, we were then the outsiders to him :/ Anyway within a week of our little brother being born, we moved house/town. This new Town was ok but had some bad ppl in it, i rebelled badly. I had my first sexual relationship with a 18 yr old, I was 11 years old :/ Things got worse and worse, i was missing school, drinking on the weekends and i was in a fullblown relationship with the 18 yr old. Looking back now, i feel i was looking for a father figure in my life, one that gave a shit about me. Anyway things went on, i had other relationships with old boys, when i was 14 years old, i met a guy, he was 31 years old, he took an interest in me, the relationship began. As soon as my mother found out, i was grounded...told to never see him again, me being the rebel that i was, ran away to be with him. I was in love, nobody could stop our love. I soon found out how hard love really was, daily beatings, rape, mentally abused. I was locked up in property's, not fed, definitely not clothed. The police would find me, take me home, for my stepdad to beat me, or take me to the local children's home, I ran away again... and again, back to him, my love!? After 6 months of "being on the run" i realised i couldn't do it anymore, when the police came and found me, i went peacefully, said i was never running again. This time i was put into a semi-secure childrens home, a long way from my home town. It was horrible, strange and i just wanted my mum. After 3 months here, i was allowed back home I went back to school, part-time, saw old friends again. I did still drink, i went out every weekend with my sister, slept with older men :/ Then when i turned 16, i met a new man, he was 39 years old. I fell inlove, real love, i moved in with him, soon got pregnant, although when i was 14, i was told i couldn't have children.Things went really well, i was in love, i gave birth to my little boy and motherhood came very natural to me. When our son was 1.5 years old, we split. I met someone straight away, soon moved in with each other, i was pregnant with me 2nd child. Our relationship had its ups and downs. When my 2nd child was born, she was 6 weeks early, she had to stay in hospital, i went home, thought my 2 year old needed me more. I visited everyday, expressed my milk for her. She came home within 2 weeks, we were the perfect family. But we weren't, i got postnatal depression, panic attacks, PTSD. I was a mess, i couldn't leave the house :/ After getting control of these with medication and counselling, things were better. Life carried on, i soon got pregnant with my 3rd child, who again made an early appearance of 5 weeks, i feel like my early pregnancy's were caused by me and my boyfriends constant arguing and falling out, i was very stressed. When my 3rd child was 3 months old, i decided i wanted to get married....hmmmm worst mistake of my life?? I had been on / off antidepressants for years now. When my youngest was 2/3 years old, i ended our marriage, slept with a guy i met on an online game (we had been talking for months as friends). It was a blip, we soon got back together, trust was a massive issue, as you can imagine, i also couldn't trust him, felt like he was always looking at other women :/ The years went by, pretty much, on and off antidepressants...arguments. When i was 28 years old, i decided i really wanted/needed one last baby....i soon got pregnant, then suffered a missed miscarriage, never have i felt soooo low, I found out my baby had died at my 12 week scan, no sighs at all. My baby died a 9 weeks, I ran out of the hospital, soooo upset I carried my dead baby for a further 2 weeks then i had to undergo a D & C. I was really low I was soon pregnant again It was my worse pregnancy yet, the worry was really bad, i couldn't cope with that again. Anyway my baby was born healthy and i had a planned home birth so wasn't as stressful as going into hospital Things got better between me and my husband, i felt complete, i had my husband and 4 children, things were good Then a year ago, i went back on my meds, 2 months ago they were upped because they had stopped having effect on me. Last week i woke up to my husbands voice on the computer, he had his dash-cam video's on the computer, he had accidentally left them playing. Turns out during his journey to and from work.....even during work...even in the office, he does nothing but check women out Saying he would f**k her, she has nice ti*s and so on. Seems to happen when he has workmates in the van with him. He has made comments about the women in his office, who he obviously see's daily. Im heartbroken to say the least, Am i not good enough for him?? Am i no longer attractive?? Has he always done this?? I have spoken to him about this, says he loves and only wants me and that its just chit chatter with the lads but im completely heartbroken. Im at a low point to start with and now this. I will not speak to anyone i know about these problems because I don't want to admit problems to the outside world. The children are the only things that keep me going, without them, i would not be here anymore Any advice on what i should do ?? Sorry for such a long post, I just kind of needed to get some of it off my chest. Thank you for taking the time to read

[sweetiepye]

Hello Gill, Welcome to our safe and caring site. You'll get lots of support here. What a little survivor you are, you can't be very old, but you've done a lot of living. I want you to read back through your post and see if you see what I do. When you are faced with a problem you run and you run to a bigger problem. You seem very self aware and capable, but you have made some bad choices . You appear to be a very loving Mother. I bet you can turn this thing around. Therapy? pam

[Gill1983 in reply to sweetiepye]

Thank you for your reply. You are right, I do run away from problems, its instinct I think. Im 34, been with my husband nearly 16 years, married for 12 years. I don't want to throw my marriage away but im just so hurt right now

[sweetiepye in reply to Gill1983]

I'm all for keeping marriages intact. I've certainly had to work on mine. I was just speaking to your personal behavior.Ah to be 34 again. I didn't go to college until I was 36, married with 3 kids which I am telling you only to show you can change your life anytime and in many ways.. Men can be pigs so can women. All I can say is this Grandmother still likes to look at a fine young man if one happens to cross her path and I am grateful no one can read my thoughts. Don't be hurt, be firm and let him know how destructive this could be if left unchecked.

[sweetiepye in reply to Gill1983]

It occurs to me there are no accidents. Thinking of the web- cam being left on. Wanting your attention maybe.

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi Gill1983, and welcome to this caring forum. You have experienced a lot of trauma, but as Sweetiepye has posted, this shows that you are a survivor. It is understandable that you are feeling very hurt and upset now. It is all so new at the moment which makes it more difficult to cope with, but you will get through this. Are you able to sit down and talk to your husband about this? Some people find that writing down their feelings in a letter is helpful in these situations. You have so many questions you need to be answered, and this is also understandable. Perhaps talking things through with someone who is professionally qualified to help people in these situations would help you? If you are in the UK, you may like to contact Relate----

relate.org.uk

Contact no. 0300 100 1234

Relate will see you on your own if your husband does not wish to attend for counselling. They also provide on line counselling.

Please stay on the forum to receive help and support from other members. Look after yourself and do things that make you happy. You have a lovely relationship with your children and that is so positive. Keep posting and take care.

Thank you and best wishes.

[Gill1983 in reply to MAS_Nurse]

Thank you for your reply!! You are correct, its early days and atm things seem unbearable but as time passes, im sure the hurt and pain will ease. Hopefully we can sort our marriage out. I really don't feel i can talk to anyone about this, I would feel like i was admitting i had failed. It took me all my strength to post on here. Thank you again.