ressing things. I am fairly new here and have been reading posts for about a month. I sympathize with problems people are having with their Drs. GP's don't specialize with these problems and don't bother with them, as I find they aren't helpful. I started this journey nearly 30 years ago and have moved to two different continents over that time. I was born in the USA and so therefore my journey started there. I went to a renowned GP who told me that at first he thought I was " nutty " until he found out that I suffered from low blood sugar, which causes panic type attacks, and so I started to change my diet and felt better for a time. Unfortunately, things got worse again and I started having these attacks so often that I couldn't work. These attacks are strange, I start to feel as if the world isn't normal anymore, everyone looks strange and I can hear my voice but I can't control or don't feel in control of myself. I haven't ever made a fool of myself, just internally but I have to flee. This went on for years until I started to really have major depression too. These major attacks or episodes if you will began to get harder and harder to cope with. I had a very stressful childhood to put it mildly and so I felt as if it might be the cause. That said i also didn't want it to be on the other hand, it made me feel too weak to handle my life. I grew up in foster homes, 8 to be exact as my mother was an alcoholic and my father well self absorbed to be nice. I went through life as a people pleaser, make very one happy and you will be loved type idea, but well its 20 years down the track and it doesn't work anymore now than then. I have two different problems really my major depression which leaves me incapable and scared, and wanting to leave this place and my childhood, something I cannot even think about when I am majorly depressed , it doesn't change the depression it just makes it worse. I tried for years to deal with my childhood and I am now at a place were I can look at it more as a third person, it helps me to have more compassion for myself. Were are mostly more compassion to others, so learning to look at myself that way allowed me to forgive myself for not being perfect, and bucking up. No one taught me these things. Let me back up before I learned to do this I finally landed in hospital at the age of 30, unable to speak anymore, just sat and watched and cried, I couldn't eat, read watch T.V. I couldn't sleep, restless legs, I just was and I wanted to either get better, back to my less than easy life or go. I chose to try many drugs most of which didn't work and yes I became defeated and angry but at the end of this all I let the doctors give me ECT, electric shock therapy, sounded awful really and I was scared, but it sounded better than lithium and it was ECT or end for me. It worked, it pulled me back to life, supported by heavy meds I began to function again. I lost my short term memory but I made a joke of my forgetfulness and it didn't last that long. I had been so low I was just happy to be out of the hospital, where there are people who cannot be cured, they have psychological illness that don't respond to treatment. I understood I had been trying various things for about two years at that time. I lived in a world were Valium was stored in every purse, every cupboard, car etc etc. and I had piled up the bottles I was prescribed in-case that wouldn't give me anymore. I met my now ex husband around that time ans got married three years later, we had a child under doctors care, I was afraid to have a child, afraid I couldn't look after it should I relapse. It was hard going, I didn't always feel happy about being a mother and I felt guilty about it, childhood stuff, everything's my fault, and should I have a need or be unhappy I shouldn't be......blah blah on and on. I have come to realize that between my depression episodes and my childhood issues I have had very little peace. In fact my ex husband who married me knowing my condition had an affair and I threw him out. He moved away from our child very far, a 9 hours plane ride and I have been left to deal, something I can do even under the pressure because its all I know, surviving, and I can. It doesn't come without sleeplessness, anxiety and sadness. I unfortunately lapsed back to a major depression about two months ago, just when things were going better, I have found that's when it hits me when I have the chance to relax and things are better, and even now, it cripples me completely, I cannot cope without meds and a good doctor. I sometimes feel embarrassed and wish that I could control my moods when I am down, but I cannot. I acn do things to make myself better, get some exercise, eat well. But the dread of mornings the wish to be asleep and alone never goes away and the panic I get when I am in this state is amazing, it seems to be I have changed from a strong, surviving smart woman and mother into a person who cannot get out the house. This said I hate this disease I wouldn't wish it on anyone, its unexplainable to people who do not have it, and therefore, I only surround myself by understanding people, if a doctor put doesn't understand I do go back. I don't need the advice of doctors who don't understand and I don't need the insensitivity of people who don't understand, and basically its not their faults, they really don't understand. Further, many people do not have compassion and love in their hearts so they cannot begin to put themselves in my shoes. I only share these points when I feel someone will understand or benefit from my experiences. I don't have the answers but I do know that people with the disease have a hard road and I hope and wish the best for all of them thanks for reading....by the way I live in northern Germany now which isn't the best place for people with depression but they do have a great herb/vita men called Baldrian which can be bought in the chemist to help with anxiety and sleeplessness, it is something worth a try....although it only helps me when I am suffering from mild symptoms
SOS
This site is giving me life 
Almost back to normal
Life long depression 
I don't know what to do 
What's wrong with me 
