Depression is destroying everything around me and I can't help but destroying myself.
The last 3 days I have staying indoors even though the weather was perfect. Didn't have a shower for 2 days and not really eating either. Except yoghurt and tea.
Feel at the edge and that I might do something really stupid... had thoughts of killing during the last 3 days. Jumping out of a window, get a knife and put it inside my stomach or take a lot of medicines.
At the moment, I am thinking and acting in a really akward way. I don't want to talk to one even my family members or friends.
Really feel like my life is a waste. Don't know my purpose in life.
I am losing weight too.
Feel like I am going to lose control one day and kill myself.
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Cici971972
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36 Replies
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Oh cici I do emphasise with you. I have been feeling the same way the past week or so. I have been wearing the same clothes and can't be bothered to bathe much or wash my greasy hair. I have also had suicidal thoughts. I could have written your blog.
I can't offer much comfort except I do know that these feelings with me will, to some extent, pass after a while. You are on a downer like me at the moment. All I can say is go with it and don't fight it. Be kind to yourself and do what you want to do. Don't feel you have to go out or talk to anyone if you can't at the moment. Just take it day by day.
As for suicide what helps me is to put it off. Say to yourself each day - I will not kill myself today. If the feelings and thoughts don't improve after a while I advise you go back to your doctor to see if you need a change of tablets or counselling.
I think I will start a club for those with no purpose in life....maybe we would have a purpose then. Lots of hugs love xxxxxxx
I keep remembering and will for the rest of my life your say "Go witb the feeling but don't kill it" . Every day, saying to myself, I won't kill myself.
It is true that after going through a hard depression time, you feel like you have to start all over again. For me, it feels like I am a new and better perso after all.so I agree, that you have to take it day by day.
Thanks for your precious advices, they are really comforting and helpful.
All my love xxx
Cici and enjoy your weekend too
P.s: Good idea the no purpose in life club that will help a lot ??
Hang on in there, I don't know what to say to help you, but I do believe we all have a reason for being here on this earth. How old are you? How long have you felt this way, are you already on any medication. Please keep control, I can't guarantee that I will say all the right things, as I am searching for answers too but I am willing to stay and chat with you if you feel up to it. xxx
Yes, we all have a reason why we are on Earth and alive yes!
I am 26 and I have been feeling depressed since last year. It got worse from this time. I started taking anti depressants but my condition wasn't that bad.
I always felt sad inside since I was little like 8 years old. My up bringing made me like jis as I didn't like my life before. Anyway. .. it will change to a 360º positive turn. I deel it and want it.
I have felt really low last few days too. Might be something in the air. I have depression but it comes and goes. I have been on a downer for a few days. Everyone was enjoying the bank holiday sun but I had to put on a false smile. Inside I felt bad.
We need to talk on here like we are doing and never give up. Suicide is never an easy way out. I know this low will pass so I just keep living one day at a time!
Suicide is never the solution. It's an alternative we find to escape the reality.
I usually feel bad when the weather is nice, birthdays, Xmas etc. mostly because (I think) my brain says "you should be happy like everyone else" and then cos I don't I beat myself up and feel even worse.
Maybe we should ban a celebrations and good weather?
When the weather is nice and all, we should all enjoy it and make the best of the day but sometimes depression takes it all over and mess up the day! it is not easy!
First, you have to get rid of all the garbage in your head (i see it like this), relax and talk to people! take care of yourself.
Try to do something you love and enjoy it too, even though it ain't easy because depression takes it all! but we have to beat it!
Hang on.... I know that dark place...it will pass. So many times the best things in my life have happened to me after a severe depression and thoughts of suicide. I find my self counting all the wonder and joy I would've missed had I acted on my suicidal thoughts.
My heart goes out to you right now, I am often like this, maybe not so suicidal but when I get like that, I dont shower for maybe two day,eat bits and pieces and stay indoors all the time like a mole. Its the
Depression, when you are in this state, try and not beat yourself up for feeling so low. Its not your fault, you are Depressed, try and eat something, even order a take away. It will pass as I always get over those real downers, but if you continue to feel this way I would get in touch with your Doctor. Know that we all care about you here, and I am the first member of our New No Purpose club. Hang on in there and just get through the day. Let us know how you are.
Sweety, time to help yourself by getting a "urgent appointment "with the gp, depression is got very worse, and you need to see someone today!! Ask family member to go with you, to the gp, you dont have to explain, just ask them. if they ask, just say I wouldnt ask unless I really needed you.
These could be words you use in the future, as a Help me now, words!!
These are typical, (but really awful feelings you get) when your at a very low point and your needing help now!! for depression, you know inside yourself that this isnt you.. This is depression. at its worse. But it is a good indication your really ill. And need tablets,, or raising your tablets,, or changing them.
I think im going to write a program, of coping skills that can help you through these moments, and a management,,leaflet.
Maybe something to give the gp, so that it makes it plain to them too, lol.
Thanks for your message. It helped me a lot to get through this bad time!
Days after receiving your message, I went to the gp and he gave me a prescription with more medication, i felt the changes straight away, bit weird though lol
Im so glad,,, but we all need to learn from this, however desparate we feel, were ill, and it is a indication how ill we have become, and things do get better if only we go for help!!! The option isnt ending it,, thats the illness talking(making us feel that way).The answer is,,, get to that gp as soon as possible, love to all, and so glad your feeling better. Linda
I'm so sorry to hear you are so distressed. You clearly need some help - are you taking medication? Have you gone to the drs? If you feel desperate go to a&e. this is awful and must feel like a terrible endless black hole - I have been there and it seems that it can't get worse, and if it does what then? Torture. We hear you. But it will get better.
What do you have good in your life? What makes you happy? Who helps?
Being suicidal doesn't mean you want to be dead, I for d for me it was fear, desperation, and feeling at the bottom of Everest with no hope of every climbing........exhausting for you.
I agree with you being suicidal doesn't mean you want to be dead, for me it feels like i don't want to face problems anymore or i just don't know how to deal with it. so suicide is a way to escape.
i went to the doctor too and got my antidepressants increased.
i feel much better, thanks for asking.
love
cici xxx
That is interesting Hope. I feel most suicidal when I am feeling trapped and can't escape.
Of course you do as powerlessness makes us desperate and exhausted and we feel too useless to fight. Trapped is terrible! But there is always a way we just have to work through it slowly, small manageable steps, take our power back and use positive people in our lives to validate and support us I think xx
It's 2.19 a.m and I just read all your messages, as I knew in my heart, I would. Was at work, where it got really busy! Oh my God, i am so overwhelmed. Feel less trapped in the depression and feel there's hope.
I will answer individually to all your messages later on.
Those last 4 days have been hell. Didn't bother to have a shower for the 2 days (wtf!!). That's most definitely not me at all.I am someone with a very good hygiene. Wooow!!
Couldn't eat, watched tv the all day, stayed in bed and couldn't get out of my bedroom. My cousin was really supportive like she has always been. Asked me out sometimes, didn't bother to answer as I knew I didn't want to go out. What a damn shame, during those days, the weather was sunny and wonderful!!
It's true depression make you miss all the great moments, especially with family and good friends. During those days, I had a lot of friends texting me ony phone or else
Didn't want to answer at all, felt more upset as I did upset one of my friends. Daaamn.
For me, depression is like a monster, like your evil alter-ego. By this, I don't mean that you commit evil acts, it's more the way I act which does not make any sense at all like those criminal or sex offenders for example.
I had an appointment with my psychotherapist recently, didn't turn up. But I finally talked to him on the phone? He was soooo worried about me, he found the right words to help me. I felt a bit better after talking to him.
I also had another appointment with my gp as well, didn't turn up, all I wanted from him is medical certificate stating that I am not fit to work. After, even though, I was quite depressed in my bed, I say to myself, it's time for you to get up and go to work as I missed 3 days in a row. First of all, this would have bring a lot of trouble and make things worse, so honestly, what's the point.
I say to myself I can't keep going on like this and let my colleagues down, which for me is like a family as we all get on with each other sooo well. Thank God, I did. I had a great day, even though, it was a bit hard at the beginning as I couldn't focus. I also felt soooooo weird, even my voice wasn't the same, I sounded like I was starting to lose it. Whoooooo! I said "Hell No" I am going to do my best to beat that horrible thing and get on with my duties even though it's not the best job in the world. Anyway.
When I read, I had 13 comments, I was like "13 comments, wooooow!!!"
Thank you guys for all your messages and support.
It's even more touching because I don't know any of you guys. But I will get to know you all.
Going to take an appointment with my gp, probably for Monday, to ask him to increase the dose of my anti depressants which is 75 mg at the moment.
depression is a clever bastard.. it's as if it is at its worst when we want to be happy ..but the monster keeps stopping us ... it can engulf you and wrap its self round you .. so you feel cut off and useless... i try to remove the monster slowly each day some times i do well ..other times i seem to be took prisoner by the monster again .. but i wont give up ..i will fight it till it goes away .. up to now i have lot many a battle but not the war ..not yet !!!
Do you know what, when awful things happen and it feels like we are on the bottom of Everest again and failing, I think it's nice to know that there are lovely people out there, and that people do care, we can feel abit better about the world, and share some positive kind lovely energy! Xx
I am experiencing something very similar. My heart goes out to you !
I am going through a particularly severe episode of reoccurring depression. I am not working at the moment and have been certificated off sick until 3 June. I have felt ashamed and guilty for taking time off work and have to deal with very low self esteem and feelings of wothlessness. but I know that my depression is an illness, and like any other physical illness needs to be treated. Accessing the right level of care within the community is very important. The more support you can access the better. My care falls under the mental health care team of the York and Leeds Primary Care Trust, and I receive weekly counselling and CBT through the local mind office in York. I need my team in place, and look to the time when I have recovered from my current setback, that the infastructure will be still in place, should I need it.
The one universal truth that I have painfully and finally understood is that whatever form of treatment works, you need to perist with it long after you start to feel better. It is often only after you feel better that the real work of keeping depression at bay can begin. You will improve, you will recover, and so will I! Keep the faith ! Take great care of yourself. I'll be thinking of you !!
I am sad to hear that you are off work. I understand the feeling of ashame and guilt. But honestly, there is nothing to be ashamed of, as you said depression is an illness so it's not your fault. You have to get better and say to yourself that you can't continue like this.
I am glad to hear that you have all the help you need in term of treatment. It's really important for us to get the right help and use it. But the rest is down to us.
I do agree with what you said about "universal truth". Taking anti-depressants and having sessions to a psychotherapist is one thing but we have to fight to keep that monster away. It is really hard. But, possible!
Been going through it yesterday and today but I managed. Thank God! !!!!!
Wish you all the best xxx
Love Cici
P.s: I don't know if you're a reader, I am. Well I recommend a book called "Taming the black dog" of Patrick Ellverton . The black dog is depression. It gives you good tips about to deal with depression. Really good book and easy to understand too.
I am sad to hear that you are off work. I understand the feeling of ashame and guilt. But honestly, there is nothing to be ashamed of, as you said depression is an illness so it's not your fault. You have to get better and say to yourself that you can't continue like this.
I am glad to hear that you have all the help you need in term of treatment. It's really important for us to get the right help and use it. But the rest is down to us.
I do agree with what you said about "universal truth". Taking anti-depressants and having sessions to a psychotherapist is one thing but we have to fight to keep that monster away. It is really hard. But, possible!
Been going through it yesterday and today but I managed. Thank God! !!!!!
Wish you all the best xxx
Love Cici
P.s: I don't know if you're a reader, I am. Well I recommend a book called "Taming the black dog" of Patrick Ellverton . The black dog is depression. It gives you good tips about to deal with depression. Really good book and easy to understand too.
I am sad to hear that you are off work. I understand the feeling of ashame and guilt. But honestly, there is nothing to be ashamed of, as you said depression is an illness so it's not your fault. You have to get better and say to yourself that you can't continue like this.
I am glad to hear that you have all the help you need in term of treatment. It's really important for us to get the right help and use it. But the rest is down to us.
I do agree with what you said about "universal truth". Taking anti-depressants and having sessions to a psychotherapist is one thing but we have to fight to keep that monster away. It is really hard. But, possible!
Been going through it yesterday and today but I managed. Thank God! !!!!!
Wish you all the best xxx
Love Cici
P.s: I don't know if you're a reader, I am. Well I recommend a book called "Taming the black dog" of Patrick Ellverton . The black dog is depression. It gives you good tips about to deal with depression. Really good book and easy to understand too.
I am sad to hear that you are off work. I understand the feeling of ashame and guilt. But honestly, there is nothing to be ashamed of, as you said depression is an illness so it's not your fault. You have to get better and say to yourself that you can't continue like this.
I am glad to hear that you have all the help you need in term of treatment. It's really important for us to get the right help and use it. But the rest is down to us.
I do agree with what you said about "universal truth". Taking anti-depressants and having sessions to a psychotherapist is one thing but we have to fight to keep that monster away. It is really hard. But, possible!
Been going through it yesterday and today but I managed. Thank God! !!!!!
Wish you all the best xxx
Love Cici
P.s: I don't know if you're a reader, I am. Well I recommend a book called "Taming the black dog" of Patrick Ellverton . The black dog is depression. It gives you good tips about to deal with depression. Really good book and easy to understand too.
I am sad to hear that you are off work. I understand the feeling of ashame and guilt. But honestly, there is nothing to be ashamed of, as you said depression is an illness so it's not your fault. You have to get better and say to yourself that you can't continue like this.
I am glad to hear that you have all the help you need in term of treatment. It's really important for us to get the right help and use it. But the rest is down to us.
I do agree with what you said about "universal truth". Taking anti-depressants and having sessions to a psychotherapist is one thing but we have to fight to keep that monster away. It is really hard. But, possible!
Been going through it yesterday and today but I managed. Thank God! !!!!!
Wish you all the best xxx
Love Cici
P.s: I don't know if you're a reader, I am. Well I recommend a book called "Taming the black dog" of Patrick Ellverton . The black dog is depression. It gives you good tips about to deal with depression. Really good book and easy to understand too.
to all of you in the Purposeless Club.......................I am a new member and have read the comments on this page, I would like to join and get some support from you all. I have been feeling trapped and inactive since last Oct Nov 2012 and it has not got any better, life is a bitter twisted struggle of deep depression. I am having counselling, which dredges up the past and makes me cry because I have to face the fact that at 57 I still cant set boundaries and cry easily, cannot stand up for myself, and within a controlling marriage, .....Itis weird though because I swing from loving him and feeling scared of losing him, to hating him and wanting to leave, he is not really supportive at all GOING ABSOLUTELY MAD A CRAZY. I gave up my teaching of yoga which I was passionate about and have no income as I cant get it together to fill forms in and contact people and be responsible for claiming benefit as they want you to go to interviews and I don't want to go out, cant work out things like this as my depression and closed me down and made me forgetful and unable to operate as I used to.
Does anyone have any advice about SSRI's?....... I am takin 20mg citalopram and am not happy about taking drugs as I read all the side effects and get terrified, but can an increased dose work better if a low dose is not doing anything. Also I am convinced that its my situation and NO drugs can make this better,...........how can drugs help.............anyones experience would be great to read.....................
IFI could switch a switch and stay asleep forever and never wake up I WOULD. I really do feel purposeless, I cant imagine working again its impossible feeling like this
it would be good if we all lived on the same street and could motivate each other its so hard when you are isolated all you do is ruminate and imagine scenarios that are terrifying and immobilising. Bigs hugs and love to all of you in this club.............xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxyogaros
cici....................I HAVE JUST REALISED THAT I HAVE POSTED my depressive state on your
page and just realised that its your page and not mine, I posted because I am staying in bed like you and empathised with that. It seems you have some lovely posts, and I have set up my own blog yesterday, so cici this is to send you a hug from a fellow sufferer who does want to get better this seems a great site, once again sorry for posting my story on your page but will still follow your progress one tiny step at a time would be great..........................love yogaros
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But I will get to know you all. 
Going through a bad time at college 
I feel a Fraud, a Fool and a Failure. Suicide seems sensible.
I feel hopeless about creating any hobbies, talents, and the like.
