Struggling

Hi everyone, I guess this is me accepting that I'm struggling with everyday life and difficulties by writing on here. At the minute I feel worthless, like I have no purpose and nothing to offer. I really struggle with my body image mainly, my partner doesn't understand but I literally can't even look at myself in a Mirror or think about myself without crying. I don't know what to do I feel like I'm just getting worse and spreading to being negative in every part of my life, but I don't even want him to help. I feel like I need to be alone for a while

[Goldfish_]

If this has been going on for more than 2 weeks, then it sounds like you may have depression and should see your GP to consider medication and psychotherapy. Some good websites are (google these) Moodjuice, Mind gym, Living life to the full

[Hidden in reply to Goldfish_]

I've thought so too for a while it's just scary to accept I never thought it would happen to me I was always so happy and positive, I will definitely have a look at those sights.

Thankyou for your help

[WeightWarrior]

I agree with Goldfish. Please don't delay getting help, I waited far too long. Everything you feel, I have felt, and still battle it intermittently - it is part of the illness. Originally, I shut my partner and family out for a long time...these days I talk to them and they understand things a little better. If you do go to the GP and you are finding your partner still has trouble understanding you, then perhaps you can take your partner with you on the next visit so that the GP can help explain things. I found I struggled so much to put things into words without falling apart while doing so. The GP will be able to explain to your partner without the emotion interfering with what he is saying, if that makes sense. A little piece of hope for you: I am still battling with my body image - emotional eater here...BUT my husband and I are stronger than we have ever been, and we talk more than we ever did. So the condition actually brought us closer together, eventually. Please know that there are good days and bad days...so on the bad days, cling to the fact that there WILL be good days ahead, because things are ever-changing, and that gives us hope, which in turn helps us keep going even through the tough times. I wish you all the best x

[Hidden in reply to WeightWarrior]

It's scary if I get help I feel like I have to come clean to my family and my partner when they are pretty clueless to how bad everything is. If you don't mind me asking, when you told your partner was he accepting or did he struggle with it? I feel like I need mine to know the extent to how much I'm struggling so maybe he'll understand but I don't want him to blame himself.

It's so nice to see your positivity when you've clearly also had a difficult time. Thankyou so much for sharing with me, I wish you all the best also x

[WeightWarrior in reply to Hidden]

I understand...I felt like seeking help, to me, was the same as admitting I was a complete failure. I come from a pick yourself up, dust yourself down and get on with it family. I didn't even really understand that I was genuinely ill, I thought it was all my fault, why can't I deal with things, everyone else is managing, what's wrong with me, etc, etc. Sent myself on a massive guilt trip, which didn't help at all. If I'm perfectly honest, I'm not sure if I sought help, so much as accidentally discovered what was actually wrong. I have arthritis and weight issues, and it was on a routine doctor's appointment that somehow I started talking about how I was feeling and just fell apart in front of the doctor. He instantly recognized what was wrong and I started on medication. I had counselling and it helped me to realize that I was ill. The counsellor likened it to having a broken leg or similar: "If your friend had a broken leg, would you tell her to snap out of it and get on with things as normal? No. Depression is an illness, just because you can't see it, it doesn't mean it's any less deserving of compassion and understanding.". I actually had that same issue with accepting my arthritis pain and not being able to get on with things like " a normal person would"...again, just because you can't physically SEE what's wrong, it doesn't mean it doesn't exist, etc.

My husband has always been very understanding of my pain issues because he can see when I'm in bad pain, it's impossible to miss the strain on the face and the hobbling. The depression was more difficult to address. I won't lie, there was a point where I was saying I wanted a divorce - in my mind, he didn't sign up for this when he married me, he shouldn't have to put up with this, but he's too kind to leave me so I'll do it for him. Again, the counsellor pointed out that it wasn't my place to make that decision for my husband. With a helping hand from my parents, I actually started talking to my husband. I mean really talking. I found a programme on youtube in which they scanned a "normal" person's brain and the brain of a depressed person, and they found that one part of the brain was actually smaller in a depressed person. They interviewed several people from different walks of life and it showed that depression can affect ANYone, it doesn't matter if you are rich, poor, fat, thin, etc etc, it doesn't discriminate. That was also useful in accepting that it wasn't my fault and that it really was a genuine medical condition. Once I could accept it myself, it became easier to talk to my husband about it. I don't know if he fully "gets it", but he knows that I cannot help how I feel, there doesn't necessarily need to be any negative event which triggers the feelings, they just happen and I can't seem to control that at all. These days he will ask me, have I done anything to upset you, or are you not feeling so good today. Likewise, if I actually think about it, I will say to him, and my son, I'm not having a good day, there isn't anything which has prompted this, it just happens and I don't know why. I've told him, it's actually very frustrating, because I always want there to be a reason, an event, which has triggered my feeling this way but the bottom line is, there sometimes isn't anything at all which has upset me, I just feel how I do. Equally, what anyone else might think is the silliest little thing CAN be a trigger for what might appear to anyone else to be a completely over the top reaction. It's up and down, but I've found with my family and particularly my husband, the most important thing is to say to them, I'm not doing so well at the moment, please don't think you've done anything wrong, I'm just avoiding everyone and everything at the moment...I love you, and I'll hopefully be in touch when I'm a bit better (in the case of my family - obviously I live with my husband so it's slightly different but the same principle, communication, even if minimal, a few key phrases you can agree on will let him know you are not doing so well).

Sorry this has turned into a book, once I start, I tend to ramble on forever! That's another reason why I avoid people when I'm not feeling so good, I don't want to drag them down! The thing is, once I unveiled my big "secret", I found people were a lot more understanding and forgiving of my long periods of quiet, and that is quite a relief to know people understand that you are struggling.

[CJ2016]

I agree with Goldfish & WeightWarrior,get help,i know im hypocritical in saying that(as i have been putting it off for years) and it does not get any better,the longer you put it off,the worse it can become,i started off with just feeling down(started at 14) hated my body,stopped going out with friend's,locked my self away in my room playing on my computer 24/7.

Zero social life,zero confidence,then suicidal thought's started happening at the same age,then i came to the conclusion that it was unlikely that i would live to an old age(im 28 now) and i made zero plans for my future.

Around about age 20 to 25 i was hitting around the 23 stone(322 lbs) mark i was feeling rubbish,i hated looking my self in the mirror(just like you)(i would even look in the mirror and tell my self i am a poor example of what someone should be) i wanted to die,i even looked it up,different method's on how to end it(even now i know what method i would take if it came to the crunch).

Then one day at the age of(27) i woke up one day and just decided to exercise,go on a diet,i lost 6 stone,was going out regular,got a job,started doing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu & Kickboxing,but by the time i started doing them classes,i felt my mood started to change(again),started getting down,but i kept telling my self it's just one of those days.

In work they see my alter ego,they see "Happy,hard working me" but they have no idea what's going on behind that mask.

anyway

Days lead to months,and before i knew it,i put 3+ stone lbs back on,and i started cutting my self,sometimes i felt numb,sometimes i locked my self away from people,and i started binge eating,comfort eating,and i stopped being social.

Even now i have still not build up the confidence to walk into the Drs & admit,there maybe something wrong with me(i am a male) and i have always held my emotions in,no matter if i am sad or completely broken inside,i have always worn a mask to hide these facts.

So just like the other guy's have said,seek help,or it will end up worse,don't be like me(god forbid) because you will end up broken,at least you have come on here,and at least you have admited you have a problem.

Now seek professional help,and live hopefully what will be a happy life.

(and again being alone does not make it any better,i know that from experience,i still do it now,your brain will just keep going around and around and around and around and around you keep thinking and thinking and thinking and it will drive you crazy)

[Hidden in reply to CJ2016]

I want to be a psychologist one day so I'm worried that if I get help for it, it will affect if I'm allowed to practice as a psychologist as iv had issues in the past. My confidence has took a really bad turn to the point I won't get changed infront of my partner or my own mother, I'm 20 years old now and Im in a similar mind frame as you were, I'm scared in case I don't have a future.

Sometimes it's easier to wear a mask I totally understand that, try to protect the people you love too.

Thankyou so much for telling me your personal story it's been an eye opener, I really hope you get help one day and live your life happy too.

[CJ2016 in reply to Hidden]

No matter your mental state,it should in no way or form stop you from doing what you want to do,in fact,it may even give you an advantage,because you will come across all different types of people,with all different types of mental issues.

So there is no reason to stop you from becoming a psychologist,the world is still your oyster,at 20 years old,you still have plenty of years ahead of you,(yes its hyprocritical for me to say that) but again i can't stress it enough just fight it.

Make an appointment,see the Drs,and get any help that you need,help your self,then when you have helped your self,think of all the help you can give other people further down the line when you become a psychologist,you will be able to understand some peoples way of thinking because you have been in that said situation.

And yeah the protecting the people you love,that's one of my biggest problem's to some degree,i would gladly step infront of a bullet for anyone i hold dear to me,i don't fear death,the biggest fear i have is dying for nothing(and so far,what i have done with my life feels like nothing) and the people around me dying.

I have seen people i care about die so suddenly,and it kills you,it tears you down,rips you apart,and then spits you out,and your left looking for the bits of you that are left trying to tape your self back together until next time.

My first introduction to what death really is was in 99(i was about 11 going on 12) and my grandmother was in hospital for a lung infection,which turned into her eventually drowning in her own fluid that filled her lungs up,i was the last grandchild she seen when she was alive,and i remember my dad coming into my bedroom early in the morning to tell me that she had passed away(although that same night i had a dream of her passing and the problems that would enuse after she had passed away but thats a different story)

I have seen my mother come close to death(blood clot really close to her heart,if she had gone to the hospital later she would of died) i have seen her suffer with sizures(she is also epileptic ) i have seen her sit at the end of my fathers bed crying because of his illness.

I have seen my father go from being the "man of the house" to being stuck in a wheel chair from having(MS) seeing him not being able to do the thing's i seen him do when i was growing up,be it work in the garden,or me and my brother and him just going for walks collecting holly for xmas or blackberrys and doing stuff everything father and child loved doing, and it destroys me inside.

I say some nasty stuff to him though,and he says nasty stuff to me,he suffers from depression,i talk to my parents like dirt now(sometimes) and god knows i don't really mean it,but i cant controll it when i get angry or whatever,the emotions just take over,and i can become cold hearted in that moment,then beat my self up about it later on.

Seeing my grandmother laying in bed,being given morphine to ease the pain of cancer eating away at her,i have that mental image burned into my brain forever,seeing that pain in her yes,and me standing in the doorway just looking into her eyes,not being able to take that pain away,knowing that she was dying,knowing the pain she was in,word's cant describe that feeling,i was 13 at the time.

Then when i was about 15 my grandfather died a week before my birthday,i had to(along with my father and uncles & aunties) have a say on weather the hospital should revive him if he was to go into cardiac arrest,and to be honest i did not expect to be asked that question at 15. And that tore me up when he died.

in 2011 i bought a dog,and we had her two days,she was just a pup,and she started having sizures,and we spent £700 trying to figure out what was wrong,but in the end the vet said we could keep trying but bills would amount to the 1000's and we had to put her down,and that killed me inside,i went home and cried like a baby.

My cousin hung him self in 2013,and he was due to become a dad as well,and that sent a chill through my spine when i found out,we was close growing up as kids,but grew apart as we got older,and that was just down right sad.

Then about 3 months ago,a man that i have known all my life(my mothers uncle) who i called an uncle because he really was like one of my uncles,walked out to his car,and had a heart attack out of no where,he just dropped dead.

I have been in stressful situations for so long,that i do not know what normal is any more,when my neice was 2 years old,i was carrying her,and she ended up going limp,i pulled her forward her lips were blue,her eyes rolled back,and i thought she was choking.

My first insinct,was to check her throat,then i seen her teeth clenched,then my my gut said that is a sizure,inside i was more then panicked,i was horrified and just shocked,i was breaking up inside,but despite that,i run up to the club house(was at a holiday place during the time) and asked if anyone knew first aid,well the first aider there just phoned for the ambulance,and i put her into the recovery position,trying to get her to cry,because if she is crying it means she is breathing and that was my main concern was to make sure she was breathing at least.

that was really really stressfull to see someone i love,and especially a child,go through that,but despite what i felt,i kept all my emotions in like i always have.

And then broke down later on.

Stress,pain,suffering just seems to always be there,no matter what,

What i am trying to say,no matter how crap life gets,no matter how many times your heart breaks,no matter how down and out you feel,no matter how far in the gutter you fall into,you have to climb back out.

No matter how many times i have thought about killing my self,no matter how many times i have wanted to cut into my flesh deeper,no matter how much i want off this planet at times,i am still here.

So keep your head up,and just seek help,and hope you keep us updated,write down what you feel if you have to and take it with you.

sorry for the long post

[WeightWarrior in reply to CJ2016]

I agree, who better to help someone than someone else who knows what their problem actually FEELS like first hand. Can I just say, CJ you seem like an incredibly strong person, well done for being so strong through such difficult emotional circumstances - you are amazing and don't let anyone tell you any different, ok! Keep fighting x

[CJ2016 in reply to WeightWarrior]

Thanks apperciate it,i refuse to let life win,despite all the "problems" that i encounter through life,i will try my damndest to fight until the very end,when it ends it ends,but until that day,despite being on a roller coaster(in regards to mental state) im to stubborn to let it take my down.

It can give me the suicdial thoughts,it can give me the urges to cut,it can throw all the crap in my face and bury my face in it time and time again,but im still standing giveing it(life) the two fingers.

[equilibrium123 in reply to CJ2016]

Hi Cj2016, you truly are a strong person and clearly you could do with some help make sense of your feelings and fears. All caused by your experiences. There is nothing stopping you becoming a psychologist, remember who better to understand people and their problems than someone who has dealt and learnt through trauma. If you can challenge your grief and sadness knowing it is ok to accept death and grief as something you have no control over. I do not say this lightly but it must be done. I have suffered for with loss, addictions, self image, relationship problems since I was 23 an I'm now 47. I suffered a full break down last year but during this time I have and have just on assignment only left to pass my CBT and counselling level 3. Currently life is throwing some curve balls in away of giving both me uncle and dad cancer. It is saddening but I know these people do not want me being miserable on there behalf an if I can be string I get to support them.

Anything is possible and I wish you luck.

[equilibrium123]

It is sometimes very understandable to want space but also be careful not to push people away because of your own anxieties and issues. Have you been diagnosed with body dismorphia?. Lots of people dislike parts of their body adding to any depression you may have. Do you have other issues/ life events that build upon your feelings making you depressed therfore then dislike your body or is this the cause?

[Hidden in reply to equilibrium123]

I know it's hard to balance having my own head space and pushing people away. I haven't been diagnosed with anything no Iv never been to the doctors or spoke to anyone about it. And not that I can think of which would have caused this, I've struggled for the past couple of years with my body but more recently is when I'm concerned for myself I won't even get undressed unfront of my partner which obviously is causing issues there too, it's a vicious circle. Thankyou for your time

[equilibrium123]

Your issue without the full background knowledge seems progressive in a way that you started to notice something on your body that you disliked and then that has escalated. Yes it becomes a vicious circle and in this day and age everyone is shown to be a slim, tanned, toned with perfect teeth and hair. Truth is we not all like that believe me but I understand. Both me and my partner feel the same pressure and last year I hated myself so much I pushed my partner away because I always felt un-lovable and ugly. Thing is I'm neither but it doesn't stop us thinking it. . Its our mind bully and it needs putting in its place. I do hope that your partner is supportive and has never added to your belief by calling you names or criticised your body in any way.. if he trys to compliment you...perhaps you should listen and fight back that mind bully. Like everyone on here positivity, acceptance and understanding is key to any recovery and happiness.

[WeightWarrior in reply to equilibrium123]

Great comment! This sounds like a definition of when we find out what true love is, accepting each other for what we are and loving each other in spite of any flaws, rather than worrying if the other person has a hair out of place, or a blemish, etc, etc. I found explaining to my partner how I felt about my body image was a massive help...any time I say anything negative he will reinforce "I still love you, you know"...and he will randomly compliment me at times. It's taken a long while, but I actually believe him now. I attended a special course which taught me that you can't really question someone's compliment because it is their thought, their belief, and to question it basically equates to saying they are lying. Why would they lie, they have nothing to gain. Accept the compliment for what it is, that person's feelings, don't hurt their feelings by rejecting the compliment. It's been hard to do, but putting it that way, the thought that it might hurt their feelings if you dismiss their compliment, helped me to deal with compliments a bit more easily. I hope that makes sense, the professionals explained it much better than I am!