Every day is pain and misery for me now. I am so lonely. I am isolated from my friends and family because my problems are just too complicated and out of the depth of anyone who isn't a mental health professional/chronic pain specialist.
My days are filled with nothing, everything I used to enjoy is now such a chore, and most of the time leaves me feeling worse than before I started. Even sleep isn't much of an escape anymore, the few "dreams" I can remember are my mind taunting me about everything I no longer have and all the things that may never be mine.
Since my case was closed at the child/adolescent psychiatrist/psychologist centre and opened at the "Acute Facial Pain clinic" my therapy sessions have stopped. The only care I receive is one or two physio sessions every couple of months & the doctor prescribing me nortriptyline (which they were meant to be raising by 10mg a week, but this has taken them 2months to finally do after they initially agreed they would) but that hardly does anything, and my pain is just getting worse.
I take the approach that I would rather not eat, than have to prepare myself food, eat it, and wash/clear everything away afterwards. I'll eat on average a meal a day, which is usually brought to me by my parents - which just causes me so much guilt too. So I am often void of energy, and find just staying awake sitting in bed exhausting.
The amount of pain my fibromyalgia causes me combined with my depression is debilitating. People on here keep suggesting to me that I should change my doctor, but that would require going to my GP and seeing if I was even eligible for a referral to another clinic of some form (and the Acute Facial Pain clinic i "attend" is at Kings College Hospital, which I thought was meant to be one of the "best" in london?? and they are atrocious in my personal opinion). Even if I was eligible it would take weeks, most likely MONTHS.
And I just dont think I can hang on that long.
I hardly ever see my friends, and if I do i often cant even enjoy it as im concentrating so hard on containing the amount of pain im in along with my social anxiety related issues and wondering if they dont really like me, as everyone who comes into my life just seems to leave in the end.
I am so desperate. My life is in pieces. Im only 18, why am i less worthy of the doctors sympathy and care?
Every time i go back to the facial pain clinic i hope for news that the anethnetist(sp?) team have said that I am worthy of being given opiate-based painkillers, as they are the only ones that have done anything... and I turn up just to be told "No, we never agreed that, I just said that was a possibility". So now I am waiting to hear again. If the answer is "No, you have to keep trying ibuprofen/paracetamol and the nortriptyline, even though we know it doesnt really work" I dont know what Ill do. I am at the end of my tether.
My dad asked the doctor what it would take for me to receive some proper form of care, will it require me getting to a point that i need to be sectioned? That scared me a little. Hes threatened it before, at times that ive been breaking anything in sight and smashing my head/hands against doors/walls in screaming rows at 3am with my parents.
I keep thinking is that where I belong? Should I be locked up? Then will they look after me? I am a burden: to my friends, my family, my doctors, myself.
I just desperately need help. Its not enough for people to tell me that things will be done eventually. I dont know how much longer I can hold on. My problems are just getting worse and worse the longer they go untreated.
I feel like I was never meant for this world, and that I am not wanted here. I cant even differentiate between the "depressed me" and the "undepressed me", i cant tell whats my mental illness talking and whats my own head. My mind is unravelling.
I just dont know what to do. I have tried everything within my power, and everything i try just puts me in a worse place I was before i even tried. What do I do?