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[celticgirl]

hate being bi-polar hate being manic highs and having dark low periods but y do people always judge ask stupid q and whisper behind my back! they think cause your ill u dont notice like sniding comments look how big ur pupils are u seem very over excited ...your to happy! ect ect.... well u know what u meant to be my friend you meant to understand i hate this ilness been 3 and half years now when will i be normal again whatever normal is! i have few friends its doing my head in! I AM NOT THE PERSON I WAS BEFORE I WAS ILL AND DONT THINK I WILL EVER BE THAT PERSON AGAIN! I MISS THE OLD ME does anyone feel the same!

[Suzie40]

I don't have bipolar but I do understand that feeling of pining for life before I was depressed. One thing I do know about bipolar, though, is having it does not make you 'not normal' Who decides the definition of normal? Sometimes people ask questions out of ill considered curiosity. They may not mean to be rude. I think anyone with any illness will look wistfully back at a time when they felt better. The reality is that you have this condition, and what matters now is the treatment you receive and how you embrace the changes it has brought.

[celticgirl in reply to Suzie40]

hi lucy thanks for your reply ... maybe your right maybe its there curiosity maybe im being over sensitive but when u think someone understands u then they make comments it just makes me feel like they dont reallly know me anymore i have changed in so many ways these past few years even i dont recognise the person i have become anymore , i cannot embrace the changes this illness has given me and i so long to be the outgoing bubbly happy go lucky person i once was instead i am withdrawn to scared to be to happy or to low! i miss being able to go out on my own instead of depending on others to come with me or do errands for me i feel like i have lost my freedom and my life! and this makes me yearn for the old me but your right who defines what normal is to me its about being able to stand on my own 2 feet to provide for myself and to be independant outgoing a fun loving and most importantly not having manic thoughts about suicide and how i am a burden to family or the few friends that i have left..... sometimes i feel they think oh no here she goes again does that make any sense or am i just rambling

[Hidden]

Hi,

I know exactly what you mean hun...it's been 20+ years for me but ups have been few but bad and the downs too frequent and been medicated into complete emotional numbness to prevent suicide attempts.

Friends are few and far between...only one close friend extremely stressed and OCD has any time for me and another 'online' who I 'met' on here and we PMd mobile nos and now chat almost daily if not more!

Are you on mood stabilisers? Or anything? Any professional help?

PM me if you like,

Lucky xxx

[celticgirl in reply to Hidden]

hi lucky they have me on quetiapine mirtazapine and duloxitine , i suppose they do suppress the suicide attempts as haven't done that in a while but did cut my arm a few months ago (it was either that or overdose) made more sense to me to do that as was less chance of going back to hospital told my doctor this and she didnt know what to say looked at me like i was gone out but to me it makes perfect sense to me .... i see my doctor regularly cmht havent seen in almost a year now and havent to spoke to crisis team in while either cant confinde to partner or daughter as they so worried i will take another od but do feel i have move on from od attempts somewhat! i just feel so frustrated at times being constantly watched!

[Hidden in reply to celticgirl]

Wow...youre on the newest and most expensive!

This combo (dose dependant) is the equivalent of 'California Rocket Fuel' - try googling!

If you're still having highs and lows I would suggest a change of the quietapine to maybe sodium valproate???

I tried quietapine (Seroquel) and it didn't suit me.

Just a thought.

Lucky

xxx

[celticgirl in reply to Hidden]

hi lucky at moment doc got me on 45mg mirtazapine and was on 60mg of duloxitine but now down to 45mg and 100mg quetiapine and have been better on this than previous meds and dosages but i am going back to doc so will spk to them re my highs and lows a looked up california rocket fuel like suggested and wow those people on that forum..... well what can i say most of them seem to abuse there perscriptions ...... i have a very addictive personaltie but wldnt mess with meds (though have done so in past) so i take it the mirtazapine is and quetiapine combo is caallled califonia rocket fuel even the name make me chuckle lol thanks for taking time to talk to me i really do appreciate it xx

[Hidden in reply to celticgirl]

I would also suggest that, given how you're feeling, your CMHT should be seeing you regularly...not just your GP - unless your GP is specialised in psychiatry!

Don't let them fob you off...we deserve a 'life' - not just an existence...I'm in the process of fighting for mine now having been numbed out of even existence for far too long - don't sit back like I did and waste 10+ years!!!

[celticgirl in reply to Hidden]

your right there i do think they try to numb you but maybe thats what we need to be numb..... but 10 years wow , i dont want to imagine myself being like this for that long it only been 3years for me and those have been and still are at time the most hardest time in my life i feel for you and i hope you can get your life back on track goodluck xx

[Gambit62]

I'm not bipolar ... which I'm inclined to feel is a blessing. Hope that isn't the sort of remark that friends make and irritate you. Could possibly be unipolar (though meds never really seemed to do anything for me).

I defintely think that depression does affect the way you see life and people who aren't depressed rarely get that - a few have enough empathy/nous to accept the possibility but most don't - and good for them because it means they haven't been to this horrible dark place.

Can totally understand the frustration of feeling watched - was in hospital for a while in my early twenties during a significant down as a voluntary patient but walked out after a few days because it just felt too unreal. The nursing staff really made me feel as if they didn't trust me - remember dropping my favourite mug when I was cleaning my teeth and cutting myself by accident and got the distinct impression that they felt I'd done it deliberately. Reality was that I have mild carpel tunnel syndrome which is accentuated by water retention in the run up to menstruation so the grip goes ... but I didn't find that out until nearly 20 years later!

Really hope you manage to get the mood swings under control.

[celticgirl in reply to Gambit62]

exactly gambitt agree with u about being watched i went out the other night to get bread and bumped into some one i knew and got spoken to them (i must add this is very out of character for me ) as i don't go out alone was gone for about an hour my partner my daughter and her partner and my neighbour across the road all out looking for me! i thought where the hell did u think i went to or done i forget what i have put them through also with my illness but also felt very frustrated by there reactions then i felt guilty and what i had done was wrong maybe i didnt realise how much they fear for me and now i feel guilty that they feel this way and that there fear makes them watch me .....and this is what does my head in i know im lucky that they care but sometimes i think they forget im an adult and not a child x

[Gambit62 in reply to celticgirl]

Have you tried talking to them about it? Know that probably sounds really scary and like a conversation that is going to head for a lot of difficult emotional contact but it probably won't be. Sometimes the fear is just all in our heads because we guess at what other people are thinking and helps to double check that - but the only way to do that is to ask people. You could just try something along the lines - 'the other night when I came back I could see you at the window and it made me wonder if you were looking out for me because you were worried about me and also I felt a bit uncomfortable as if I was being watched ...' or something like that.

[clive1060]

Hi there celticgirl sorry to hear about your problems my daughter has bi-polar and bpd she manages her life of bringing up a 6 and 4 year old boy and girl on her own as a single parent she managed with support from family and proper friends to get through the bad times and realise she didn't need neerdowell friends who drain your heart and sole of the strength to battle this deilitating illness. please look up vampire friends and get rid of the bad and give space for the good. I hope you find your inner peace make time for you demand more from your psychiatrist and keep up on the medication, god bless take care Clive

[celticgirl in reply to clive1060]

thankyou clive for your kind words x