I put a blog on here quite a few weeks back when I was at my lowest. I won't repeat it all again save to say that last year I went through a pregnancy termination with my girlfriend who then left me. I found out that she has now moved on and met someone else recently and it has utterly smashed me. I keep churning events over and over in my head wishing I would have handled it better and not gone through with it. I wrote some of my thoughts to her last week, I have been in contact with her admittedly against her wishes but I feel I had to apologise and explain my discomfort at what we chose.
I have been through this twice before unfortunately several years ago with another person and have always had it play on my mind. When it came to the situation again my mind was not clear. There was a lot of guilt over the previous ones, even though they were probably for the best at the time I actually like kids and was thinking seriously about having one with that person years later, but I ended up leaving her. But mostly it's because I didn't feel confident in affording it and I thought it would be too much pressure on us in a small house, as it was I was going to have to move in with her over 150 miles away from where I'm from, and she already had 2 kids costing her a fortune in nursery fees. Her ex who killed himself couldn't even afford to live with her.
In the letter I explained my feelings but she turned it back on me saying if I was ready to be a father I should have manned up to my responsibilities. But we made the decision together? She did get very upset at the time and I then said maybe we should see someone about it, to make sure we were making the right decision. She rejected this. I wish she hadn't because what I really needed was someone to maybe mediate a little, get us both to think about possibilities and maybe clear my head. Obviously I was going to have some issues about this, anyone could've seen that...I then took it on myself to chat with someone but by then a week or so had gone by and she wouldn't change her mind. I just curse myself for not taking it on myself sooner and perhaps got a pep talk/confidence boost off someone and told to separate what had gone before. I don't know who could've done that and I didn't approach my family before I went to see her because she said don't tell anyone. Wish I'd have ignored that
She confused me so much after, saying that she thought she wanted a relationship but didn't, it took this for her to realise, she would have prob ended it at some point etc. Then I see that she can be with someone and I am devastated. I have had suicidal feelings almost every day, on meds, I've been to A&E and I have seen the doc. I have lost so much interest in life. The only positive right now is that I'm finally getting some paid work for what I like doing and some recognition. Had I had the confidence I could've done this years ago, instead of all the dead end crap jobs that paid me so little I couldn't have brought up a family on them. Due to this I am now set to see a psychiatrist on the 16th and I hope this makes some serious difference.