Hi everybody! So my Mom has been severely depressed most of her life. It is because of this that she flunked out of college, never got married, and had me unplanned. She hasn't accomplished much and now she doesn't have a job. Her depression has landed her on disability and she now rents a room. Her rent is paid for by social services. It was because of her depression that she couldn't raise me. She lived with me until I was 3 years old along with my uncle and grandmother. Then people caught her not being attentive to me as a child. For example, she would let me run freely around the swimming pool and not hold my hand in parking lots. Authorities were called and on top of that, she and other family members in our home were constantly arguing. For these reasons, she was eventually court ordered to move out on her own and leave me with my uncle and grandmother. Can depression alone do all of this to a person? Was there nothing she could do about it? I can't help but feel like I wasn't good enough to make her want to improve her mental health. All I could understand as a child was that one day she was there and then she was gone the next. I felt abandoned and still do to this day. My uncle, on the other hand, gave up so much to raise me. He never got married or had kids of his own and I feel responsible for that. I feel guilty that he couldn't have the family that he wanted. I feel like I intruded in his life.
Low self-esteem: Hi everybody! So my... - Mental Health Sup...
Low self-esteem
I'm sorry we're do get off questioning wither you mum wanted to get well I don't suppose your mum enjoys having depression so rather than asking others why not sit down with your mum and see if you can find common ground or even councilling to sort out your problems in private good luck I hope you both sort things out!
I just feel that I am unable to criticize her because she takes everything personally and I mean everything. She's even more sensitive than I am which is really saying something. I'm not questioning whether she wants to get better. I'm wondering if she is able to. Does that make sense?
I can understand the reasons why She feels the way you explain. People with mental health problems can be very defensive, she will also be very sensitive when She feels people are not understanding Her needs or expectations. Generally it is not the case if She will get better it is however more to do with if She is able to relate to others around Her and move on. With some understanding you may be very happy to see a slight turn around.
You never know if attitudes or not, however I feel you have everything to gain and nothing to lose it would be a shame to let things go and never know what may be possible. Would it be possible to discuss your Mam with her Family Doctor. He may be able to advise
However it is all down to you and those around you both.
BOB
I honestly don't think she has any interest in trying to relate to anyone except me. She has developed a genuine distrust of people. I have gathered that from conversations with her. I could maybe try talking to her psychiatrist in the future.
Your Mother with Her Feelings here sound about right, distrust with others and a hope and love, with you will open Her up to you. Yes try and talk to Her Health Professionals, they know the full situation and may be able to advise on the best way forward. They will suggest how you can input your Mother s concerns. Personally in my case I have been hurt so much in the past, trust becomes a very rare commodity
I am now health professional, although I am here to help and discuss your concerns. If required use the PM service above I am always around at various times of day. It would be nice to see a positive outlook here, your Mother has had it really rough, it would be nice to see some positive changes in this relationship with you
BOB
Would it be possible for me to have a private session with her specialist? He or she might be more honest with me without my Mom in the room.
You could try, you are Her Daughter You are trying to make a difference to your Mothers outlook in life. You do not know what has been said and
Explain what you wish to try, all they can say is YES or NO.
You could initially talk to your Mother and consider Her needs. She has been ill a long time, you have to start somewhere on your journey.
BOB
My uncle thinks I should just focus on myself and let her be. In a sense, I am helping myself by talking to her specialist. Even if she can't be helped, then at least this could help me come to terms with her illness like you said.
Iluvhorses
In the first instance it is wrong to that you assess Her mental Health if you do not know what caused this problem in the first instance. You need to know a cause of Her problem and if you are explaining to those around you your Mother and Her Health concerns you may end up causing more problems for Her. I can understand the situation you found yourself in has possibly caused you distress, however I do not feel you know the dynamics of your Mother and Uncle, Grandmother. Remember to know about some ones past you need to walk in their Shoes.
Sad to say your Mother seemed not to be attentive to your safety or needs, do you know who reported your Mother regards your unsafe actions. You were three years old when these incidents happened ? You mention family arguments, you put down these to your removal ?
Consider this as a way your Mothers life unfurled.
She was an underachiever at School/College, She became pregnant with you, there must have been a Man in Her life, there is no immaculate Birth and She was left with you to look after. We do not know how Her life was before Your Birth. It would seem to many She was thrown out of the home she was living in possibly with family, Your Grandmother/Uncle. You also explain your Uncle did not get married because He was looking after you. This in my eyes seems to be a poor show when you can understand you were not to blame because of this, this in my eyes works like a blackmail and this was very much the same I suffered with my Family, You cannot blame a child for the actions of those adults who knew the full story of your rehoming.
Mental Health concerns do have a cause and effect, too know what instigated the problem and if the illness originated when your Mother was a Child, could it be She was pushed by family at College because of past problems and this caused health problems that made Her fail, I know in my case I went through Hell as a child and I was suffering a Chronic Mental Illness when I was a child and at College. You need to understand what was going on when She was young.
Look at it in a different way a person has a bad childhood, with a critical minded family, She goes to College, She is unable to cope, She meets someone, falls in love becomes pregnant, The man bolts, She is pregnant with no-one to help bring up a child and your mother is still ill. She moves in with family there is stress with the Grandmother and Uncle.
There are arguments, someone calls the police and a complaint is made and you are taken into care. Your family did not wish to see you put into Foster Care, that leads to the situation you find yourself in.
Your Mother is still ill, I do not know the dynamics of Her condition now. All I know yes she may have been lacking towards you I do not know what the situation was then.
If possible visit your Mother and talk, it may be traumatic although I feel to know what happened from another party may help you understand the full story and give you the chance to understand why you need not criticise her and blame Her from everything. You may find She has regrets. Both of you need to heal. You may have many years to catch up on. Give Her a chance if She fails and has no interest move on.
I was unable to reconcile, and I tried until I became a pensioner, now I have moved on and know I have tried to sort out a very unpleasant past
Good Luck
BOB
I live with my mother now. We both rent rooms from a family. I pay my way and she pays hers. She has known this family for a while. I asked the wife of this family for her thoughts regarding my mother. She explained to me that my mother's family was very poor when she was a child. My mother had 9 brothers and sisters and nobody got along. Not even her parents. There was physical, verbal, and sexual abuse. In addition, my mother grew up in Vietnam during the war. The wife of the family who lives with her now believes that my mother is ill to the point of no recovery. She believes that my mother cannot lead a normal life and that I should just let her be. As for my biological father, she met him when she was in her late 20s. They met long after she flunked out of college.
Hello Pet
Your Mother did seem to have a rough time and if the family was none functional that could have been the beginning of the problem She has now. When we are young we are very impressionable and we begin to learn from our elders, I know from experience this can be the beginning of problems in later life. It may now be she will not recover Her early life would not have helped when studying at College I was in a way very much the same, although in many ways I did make some changes that I found helped me in later life
If your Mother was living in Vietnam during the War that will possibly make Her age in mid late 70s and granted you will have an upward struggle now to come to terms with Her condition. However I still feel an understanding and sympathetic Daughter can put your Mothers memories to some form rest and also give your Mother a chance to relate to you in a more meaningful way. I had a Surrogate Family and I do now feel I did not give them the appreciation they deserved. The same may be the case here.
We look at our past in a more inclusive way as we get older and sometimes this can help ourselves move on through life. I always felt I missed out on a fantastic relationship that I know was missed in many ways. In my case it was not my family that brought in into this world it was my Surrogate Family that in many ways took care of a supposed disfunctional child.
You may not be able to relate, although you never know, you may still be able to put the past to sleep and move forward together, Remember She is your blood, that can possibly mean something
BOB
Thank you. I just feel so much anger about my past, but I don't know who to blame if anybody. I also don't know how to move forward regarding my mother's illness because I dont fully understand it which is why I came here. Honestly, just the possibility of being depressed beyond recovery is scary. I hope this is not the case with my mother, but it may very well be.
You cannot blame yourself, as the same applies to those around you now.
We need to move on down a different pathway sometimes.
A great deal will be the anger you feel to what happened when you were a child, I understand that. The problem I feel here is you will eventually move on and if there is a way to put things more in perspective in your own mind. It would be nice if in the future you hold no regrets, just feelings of peace as you move on through life
BOB
The thing is I feel that I wasn't good enough for her to try and get better. Assuming that she was able to do so at least at some point.
It can sometimes be hard to get rid of this illness, although given that is the case here it sounds like She has been thoroughly mixed up. However I still feel give it a go and see what happens you have everything to gain and very little to loose
BOB
True. I wanted to get to know her a little better which is something I was looking forward to when I moved in with her. I have talked to her numerous times about her depression. She believes that her depression has nothing to do with her past and all to do with her being unable to stand up for herself. She is also convinced that she doesn't need to be on medication. She does take it though because our homeowner requires her to do so.
Yes depression can completely cripple someone—as it did my sister.
Do you think it could cripple someone to the point of no recovery?
Maybe. My mom was hospitalized many times with it and she fought hard. My sister still suffers so badly from it and she’s in her 60s now. I have experienced it and I know it is absolutely as crippling as as any deadly disease.
Right. I'm just trying to find out whether or not my mom can recover from her condition.
I’m not sure lluvhorses. Once when my mom got bad she asked us to lock her in her room. I took her to a clinic and got her on meds. Within a few weeks I had my mom back. I know it’s hard to understand if you don’t experience it yourself and I would never wish it on anyone. It is just one of those things that unless you experience it—it is confusing. I understood it but it is still hard for me to be around it even now. I also know my anxiety is hard for my family to live with too. I hope she gets better. Im so sorry you felt abandoned. I know that had to be hard. And you ARE good enough. She couldn’t help her illness and you also can’t help feeling the way you do.
I've had depression for about 10 years. Just not as bad as her I don't think. I'm trying to figure out if she couldn't be my mother because of her depression or if she chose not to be my mother due to her condition.
In her case it sounds like it disabled her. I don’t know her of course—but you said you’re the only one she’ll talk to about her depression. That tells me she feels connected to you and she loves you and feels safe with you. Being a parent has its challenges when you are healthy and normal. It would be much harder going through an issue such as hers I would think and trying to be a parent too. I remember when my mom couldn’t even get out of bed because of it when I was little.
Depression can make people do crazy things. Even some Parents have mental health issues, but we tend to believe that if you are a parent or grown adult we should have everything figured out. Unfortunately this is not how life always is.. Everyone has secrets, hurts, guilt, shame, regret etc, things that you will never know about.. Dont blame yourself for your Uncle, because you dont know why he never got married. I wanted to be married, have a proper family, everyone around me thinks that am a weirdo for not being married but truth is men dont really approach me, they just stare so it never happened and I wasnt confident enough to talk. I suffer with severe mental depression, everyone acts differently with it. And it sounds like your mum had mental issues before you was determined to come into this world, so how your Mum treated you is not a reflection of you no matter what you blame yourself for. . Its harsh, but you feeling abandoned is a mental challenge you have to deal with.. You asking these questions shows that you have some mental strength for understanding about things which is admirable and shows courage to make the most of the situation. Xxx
Thank you. I'm trying to understand whether my Mom couldn't raise me because of her depression or chose not to raise me due to her mental illness.
Ur not to blame for any of it you were a very young child. Ur uncle is amazing for looking after you. Depression doesn't cause you to not take care of ur child I know because I've had Depression and I raised a child on my own with no help from anyone and she's now 21 and a great person. You are worthy rember that and ur not to blame for anything. Your mother clearly had her own issues and wasn't able to be there for you so be there for yourself and get help to find that inner peace u deserve to feel good about yourself
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