Sex drive

[Gil89]

I’m struggling coming to some sort of terms with my sex drive

So a bit of a long story here so bare with me:

I lost my virginity at 14 and pretty much never stopped from there! I joined the army at 16 and as what was the social normal in that environment, we would be out drinking 5/6 nights a week either looking to pick up women or to fight (or fight over a woman sometimes). I had a high sex drive being surrounded by a high testosterone environment (I feel like I’m going to answer my own question just by writing all this on here). At 18 I entered into a serious relationship but this was in the months leading up to my deployment to iraq. Sex was good and as frequent as you could expect from a new couple that only saw each other at the weekends.

I arrived back from iraq changed, I’m not claiming PTSD but something inside changed. I was hyper vigilant at first and as this calmed down I found I was more socially distant with my friends and family, also stopped drinking as this would trigger a red mist so to speak. My girlfriend and I moved in together a few months after my return. I was unknowingly struggling with stress, every day things would trigger the stress not helped with the new burden of paying rent and bills which I never had before.

My sex drive was still high and looking back it was my way of coping. I found my girlfriend started to turn me down, so I sort sex elsewhere. When ever I felt down (at the time I didn’t No that I felt down or stressed), I would see find different women. I found the adrenaline rush of it all along with the sex was the best cocktail drug ever. Anyway I got caught out and we went to relationship counciling which never actually helped me but made her feel like I was never going to cheat again.

My stress turned into hardly controllable anger (I need to add that I never once show signs of physical aggression to her or ever would have touch her), I once walked out of a shop and drove off on her over an argument about spoons….. that’s how bad it got! I was still cheating on her as a means to make my self feel better.

a few years go by and decided to visit a hypnotist to seek help. This was after the heart wrenching comment she made asking where the person she fell in love has gone. I didn’t want to ask the doctor for help as there is a big taboo sounding this sort of thing in the army.

Through hypnotherapy it was brought to my attention that iraq had affected my mind and that sex was being used as a coping mechanism (I didn’t realise that I was using it for that purpose).

I’m starting to struggle from here on to find the words to describe.

7 year relationship broke up a year after I finished hypnotherapy, I didn’t have sex or particularly want to have sex that whole time. Once we broke up I had a bit of fun but I found I sort of had to force myself to want to have sex, it was exciting but not exciting at the same time.

I met my current girlfriend/fiancé and at the same time I left the army. Sex was great, she has a high sex drive so for the first year it was pretty much every day occurrence. We are 7 years in and for the past 3 years we have had sex a very very few number of times.

I just don’t have the drive for it. I feel pressured into having sex and I don’t want it and I also feel bad for turning her down because I know how it feels. I don’t want to be touch, I don’t want affection or to sleep next to her so sleep separately.

This is the worse bit. A year ago I got put on a dopamine medicine for restless legs syndrome. Side effects are possible addictive behaviour, risky behaviour, vivid dreams, ect. I was dreaming that she was cheating on me, but I was finding this to be a turn on. We spoke about this as we are both honest about everything (she knows all about my past) and used it as a fantasy role play which was great. At the time I though it might actually happen for real because of how well she received the idea. The surge of endorphins we almost unbearable, I can only imagine it is what MDMA is like.

However it was established that it would never leave the bedroom fantasy and my sex drive has just hit rock bottom again. I’ve been turning her down practically begging me for sex and I just can’t do it, the pressure makes me recoil inside and I don’t want her to resent me.

I’ve also been feeling the anger that I used to feel starting to build up however I’m much better dealing with it and my girlfriend is amazing at spotting the signs and talking to me.

I don’t really know what do do or feel.

[Omniscient1]

Gil, greetings from the UK. I'm just going to suggest something which may or may not work, and to be honest I have not been in your situation, but every couple has their ups and downs so here goes. I hope its not too banal.

You say you have discussed this with your girlfriends, she sounds a nice person. My suggestion is simply take sex off the table totally and just do petting (heavy or otherwise - Heavy Petting is not a term we use over here). Kiss, cuddle, hold hands, see a movie but do so without the intention of having intercourse. But remove the barriers to being intimate. After a while you may find you (both) are up for it again.

Best of luck, Gary

[jaglad in reply to Omniscient1]

Good advice there from Omni'.Important thing is you are talking about it that is half the battle.

Good luck.

[jaglad in reply to Omniscient1]

Just re-read your post Omni, and I definitely agree. Keep sex off the table. Tried it once. Damned uncomfortable !😀

[BexyBoy]

Nothing wrong with the length of your post, but I was surprised that the ideas of 'love', 'affection', 'care' didn't appear much if at all. If you care for your partner, why not just tend to her needs and relax about your own? Let it be warm, affectionate, caring but without performance pressure on yourself? As Omniscient1 suggests, put an agreement in that excludes penetration until you are both ready. Put the fun into the lovemaking and the love will be created. Unless you want children, penetrative sex itself isn't a requirement of a warm, sensual friendship that you can both appreciate.