Lack of sex in relatationship. - Men's Health Forum

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Lack of sex in relatationship.

Potofcheese profile image

I've been with my girlfriend for 4 years. For the first year we had sex every day. Now it's once a fortnight maximum.

I really love her but I can't see us lasting long term without regular sex. (For me that would be everyday but I could definately compromise to every other day for example).

We talk often about it, it doesn't really help at all.

Do I have unreasonable expectations?

I love sex and feel like that part of my life is gradually dying forever as sex becomes less and less frequent and less and less enjoyable for her and consequently myself. We've tried toys, romantic dates, massage, foreplay. Nothing seems to get her in the mood. ( funnily enough I even paid her - her idea - that was the most effective catalyst).

This seems to be a depressingly common pattern in medium to long term relationships.

The way I see it I've got 3 options

1) suck it up (not making me happy)

2) confront the issue (makes both of us unhappy)

3) leave and start a new relationship (when the exact same thing could happen again). A horrible thought.

I'm nearly 40 so feel like I'm running out of time as I would like kids one day.

Any handy tips welcome.

Thanks for reading

7 Replies

It doesn’t sound like you love her. Just giving my honest opinion.

You love the sex.

Demonstrate that you love her, re-kindle the attraction she had for you. It seems to be lost for her.

It’s unreasonable in my opinion. Simply because a relationship is about the connection between two people, not sex. Sex is an optional addition to the relationship to strengthen the connection.

I have sympathy for what’s coming up for you. I can’t seem to find empathy since it’s very clear to me you don’t love her, based off your own words.

If you love someone, you wouldn’t be asking this or worried about this at all. You wouldn’t be so quick on considering ending the relationship.

I’m curious, why do you say you really love her? Not trying to put you on the spotlight.

However, This could be something you can try

Ask each other what you enjoy and appreciate from each other. Ask each other what would you like to see change from one another. Ask each other what thoughts are currently running in your minds. *i believe this route can help either re-kindle the attraction she’s lacking for you if not, it can give some insight and direction for you two and maybe even bring something new to the relationship, hardening the connection that is the reason for being together.

Hope that helps , sorry if it didn’t

People have different needs for sex. If you cannot reconcile what she wants with what you want, the only thing is to terminate the relationship. If you continue it you will end up with two unhappy people and all that that could entail.

xhardwarex profile image
xhardwarex in reply to

This. Mismatched sex drives is a relationship killer. If her desire has dropped that dramatically, she could have a medical issue going on. Have you encouraged her to see her doctor? If you and she are unable to resolve this, you really need to do some soul searching. IMO you are definitely not being unreasonable in looking for a compromise on this. Depending on both of your feelings, you could also look at opening your relationship.

Unfortunately I think your replies lead from the very famous men are from Mars and women from Venus! You can clearly see 1 woman’s reply and 2 men’s! You can’t think as a woman as your mind is not connected that way! It doesn’t mean you can’t be kind, romantic or loving! But we all have different needs & this is yours. I’m the opposite I find it difficult to now sleep with my wife in my late 40’s just lost the urge & yes maybe after time a bit of love! However everything is impermanent nothing stays the same & if it’s time for change it’s time, embrace it & be scared that’s ok. But don’t continue to be unhappy because your scared of change.

Just to point out.....that the only solutions don’t have to be no sex and a relationship with her or sex and no relationship with her. You might be able to have a conversation about opening your relationship up-you are clearly both still getting something from it. It might be that a personal connection is what you give each other. You can still get sex elsewhere-in not promoting cheating but rather an honest conversation about options of getting it elsewhere. She might be fine with that as long as you are meeting her other needs.

Hi, I had a girlfriend in my 30's who did not kiss and that hurt, but we had so little sex which hurt more :-). I then discovered i did not satisfy her. She wanted a very good ... you know... very strong penetrative sex. But the harder I went at it, the quicker it all was and the least satisfying for her. (yes, i know, i am a looser! but hey, i am i sure i am not alone and people like me need to make do!)she broke up with me to my relief. we moved on and I found a nice girl. we had loads of sex (at the beginning) even twice per night, 3 times sometimes... for few years. I could not believe my luck! Then we had a baby, then another and work and mortgage and stress and rush and no time and social media ... and libido died! then she was seriously ill and now sex is kind of over :-( We get older and it is less important now.... lack of sex still hurt and still important, but a little less)

I would say: if you do not have children or other reasons to divert attention from sex... you should have more sex than once every 2 weeks...

I would say: see if you do not satisfy her, see if there are other reasons... see if it is you and not her. If you discover what the issue is, solve it or move on if that cannot be solved.

If she is really important to you, make the sex work for both. If sex is the only reason to stay with her... that's not enough, but sex is very important and should not be overlooked.


This is what I'm scared of in being in a relationship. I spend kinda lots of time on a dating site but all I can think of is what if it doesn't work out? What if I still will be unhappy? By the way, maybe someone can recommend good dating sites? I use this one

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