I wanna Die

[otterIndia]

I'm battling extreme mental depression. I know it and can feel it. Hello everyone, anonymous friend here who might need your help. I am 25 and recently got cheated on and dumped by my long term girlfriend. This has been my 3rd broken relationship. Its been 24 years in my life since my birth and for some reason I just feel that other than my parents everyone else hates me and whoever i like/love ends up using me and then dumps me over.

Honestly saying what do Women look for in men, very curious to know the answer to this question. Is it really that easy for anyone(man/woman)to sleep with someone else? I am unable to digest this fact, and people around me have normalized it to an extent where I'm unable to come to terms with it. I so far have only been able to have physical intimacy with someone only if I had feelings towards them, is this just me who feels this way in the world? Am I the odd one out? I seriously feel very suffocated and sick with everything going on in my life.

Let me explain what happened in my life. As I mentioned I'm 25, a man educated well, completed my Graduate degree( Masters), working in a reputed company, paying my bills, and being responsible too and earning quite well, have a decent bank account and took care of my girlfriend mentally, financially, physically and emotionally too. I had been through previous relatonships where the ex was either toxic af or used to be extremely controlling. But in this case everything seemed PERFECT, like absoutely perfect. I was mad in love with her, we both too enjoyed having sex with each other. To even spice up the relationship I used to take her out to different places every other weekend, sometimes within the State, sometimes to other states too. I used to give her everything that she asked for. Slowly as things went by, our aniversary came up, a week later that was her birthday. On Our anniversary, I went down on one knee and proposed to her giving her a ring and asked her to marry her. She said yes, and one week later on her birthday, when I got home to surprise her early from work, there she was fucking some other dude on my bed at home. I was lost for words, literally started shivering, shaken, tears were rolling down my eyes. I did not know what to say.

To be honest with you all, I have not recovered from that incident till today. It has been 7 months, and there are times when I still end up crying at home. I have tried out everything possible, sleeping pills, alcohol, weed, drugs, movies, even healthier options like working out, eating healthy, treating myself, doing things for myself. Nothing has ever been able to keep me happy the way I was. There is a something in me which I'm unable to invoke to be happy, not alcohol, not drugs, not women, I almost gagged and felt disgusted as fuck after trying One night stand. Is this normal? I'm a musician too, I couldnt keep myself happy by making music. It was the first time ever. For some reason I have never ever been able to trust anyone, and idk if I ever can.

As a Last resort, I feel like giving up my life and just go for suicide. I dont know what else to do, I dont enjoy hanging around with friends, I am too scared to go on dates as the fear of not able to trust still lingers in me and I'm scared that I may vent out all my frustration on a new person who's never done anything to me and who would probably want just good for me, I'm scared to trust anyone, I doubt my own capabilities and I doubt my existence, I even doubt if anyone ever liked me.

HELP ME!!!

[Curiousity4]

OtterIndia I feel EXACTLY like you! Though I'm 56 now and a musician as well, I went out with a controlling manipulative sorry 4the word bitch. She was still studying for her B.com informatics and her daddy supported her fanancially. Half the rent of the townhouse we shared, I paid the monthly rent, as well as my part of the groceries from my gig money. When she got her degree she suddenly lost interest. Threw tantrums in shopping centers, couldn't stand my family and even shat me out one day me 94 year old beloved grannie who had suffered a stroke 8 years earlier (whom I fetched twice a week from the old age home, made her lunch and played her some music she loved on my keyboard)-had accidentally climbed the stairs when I was doing the dishes and was lying blissfully asleep on my ex's bed. She was furious when she arrived from work and said "how am I ever gonna get that smell away? Turns out she had had been fucking around as well wen I was in Europe for a month in 2002 (treating my mom on her 60'th birthday). Jealous as hell. Just before we parted ways (in a not so amicable way after 6 agonizing years), she came past my parents house and asked for a copy of my ID-which I found odd. When asked what for her answer was:"to bequeath everything I own to you when I die". Yeah right! Exactly 9 months later her sister gave birth to a boy who looks.........well call me paranoid, more like me, than like his parents. I tried 2make contact with her in 2007 but Rxd a call from a public phone, telling me "to get on with my life-she had-clearly I hadn't). The best part is yet to come. She attempted suicide and cutting on several occasions after we had had a fight, would throw things around, and then one night took a hand full of Lithium(claimed she was bi-polar) a box of Paracetamol and my sleeping pills. Caught her just in time. Mopped up the vomit off the kitchen floor, rushed her with an ambulance to hospital where her stomach was emptied. She survived and whilst practicing with a fellow muso the next day I Rx'd a call from an unknown lady who said:"sorry for your loss". I nearly passed out. Claimed2have been some psycho's joke. Back at home she was SOOOO greatful for saving her life she even pgmd the words, "Karl, my HERO" onto my YAMAHA DX100 start up screen. Been 16 years now and I STILL suffer from Stockholm Syndrome. She keeps on popping up in my dreams quite often. Now's she's living a blissful life smirking on her FB profile from Christchurch NZ-ironic since she's an atheist! I feel tempted sending that suicide note to NZ in order to ruïne her life the way has done mine and have her deported. I can fully relate to your story. Strongs bro!

[HouseNumbe in reply to Curiousity4]

hey curious. just let it go. you're giving her free real estate in your head. I have a girl in my past like that too. if you find yourself thinking about her and you're getting irritated, just think of some music or something you like to play. happy thoughts etc. let it go. I still have trouble letting it go but I keep telling myself that lol. eventually it'll work

what instruments and what kind of music you like to play? I been playing piano for 7 years. I've pretty much exclusively played classical, but wanna expand to other genres. I'm just drawn to the complexity of classical music. I would get kinda bored just playing a few chords playing pop songs

just grabbed a violin a few months ago. when i found violin kinda boring to strum on, I got a ukulele. I'm learning how to pluck on violin and I'm finally getting used to using the bow though so it's getting more enjoyable. lol violin is not a beginner friendly instrument. you can at least do stuff on piano or guitar or whatever. violin is just screechy those first few weeks

[BexyBoy]

Love yourself and the more you do so, the more love will come to you from others.

[jaglad]

talking to others is a great way to start. Explore your life and options, there is a great big world out there. You have friends you have not met yet. be positive.

[favouredofchaos]

Hey fella. You have been treated very disrespectfully. No doubt there. And when you love someone so much you want to spend the rest of your life with them, it hurts deeply when they cheat on you in such a way that you found her fucking someone else in your bed.

I would say you had a narrow escape and saw this woman for her true colours. I am pleased for you that you found out before making the commitment of marriage. You’re much better than her and she does not deserve you. You’re still hurting and it will take time to recover. But you will recover. Don’t off yourself for the weakness of this individual. You have a great life you’ve made for yourself. You’re smart, have a great career and are financially adept and stable.

Introduce yourself back to dating when you have healed. In the meanwhile focus only on you and what makes you feel good. There are decent women out there who share the same values and respect that you do. Cheating is savage.

I would wholeheartedly suggest you get counselling to overcome what you’re experiencing right now and contact your local outreach groups for dealing with low mood, depression and suicidal ideation. You’re not alone and you will find people who have been through similar and can help you to move past this crisis.

As you’re as low as you mention, I would also see your physician and request to be put on antidepressants to help level out your emotional response and put you into a more controlled frame of mind.

Keep talking and stay with us. You’re too precious to leave this world for the insensitive actions of a few bad eggs. Stay strong brother.