Good days and Bad days (i rant and vent) read or not i'm just going to drop my feelings here.

[PaladinNic]

We all have them, the good days, and the bad ones? (rant about the bad days)

I feel the time between the good days are getting longer and longer though. I've been zoning out more, having less reality in my life, finding the blury days mould into weeks of endless slumping zoning groaning urging headaching bluryness.

My typical bad day is full of hatred and bruding over irrelevant things, sometimes i'm down and sad and can't stop thinking about the mistakes i've made or that i'm wasting my life right now, but the rest of the days are full of this dull nothingness feeling, almost like inner peace without the peace, the emptiness of nothingness, and hours slip away. I never used to be like this, i don't know how it began.

I don't know what's wrong with me as i've lost my perception of what's right with the world, i can spend all day online and brude over my hatred for the vanity and putrid bile that is TikTok, Facebook and Instagram. So i deleted them all with no regret, thinking i'd take a reality check today, i went for a take out coffee in the sun, no phone, no wallet, just left with exact change and locked room and went out, sat in the sun, in the city centre amd watched the people, i watched them go about their lives for a few hours in the cold and brisk sun. But it's all the same. I still feel down and hating humanity more than my usual.

I don't remember the last time i was happy or content, i just feel that i've lived a very long grey and beige life, nothing really makes me happy any more.

For reference i've had depression over 5 years now, probably longer i can't remember, im nearly 30. i have anxiety and lot's more wrong with me. I live alone in a bedsit (which is a single bedroom/kitchen/bathroom apartment that cost £450 per month to rent) its stuffy and noisy, and i dont have a job, can't hold on to a job. i dont have any friends and all my family live cities away from me, so i'm mostly alone. I can't drive and if i could i couldn't afford a car or bike, i scrape by on government allowance, which is almost a deficit each month. It always seems like all my problems could be solved by money, but that wouldn't fix any of my mental health issues, but it would give enough support to work on them.

I used to hate the 'reset theory' where if you had a button to hit, it would allow you to reset your life so you could live it differently, i used to think that was the least human, most cowardly thing anyone could say, i see now how naive i was. I'd hit that button so hard i'd break the space time barrier with enough room to pack city hall inside it.

I just want the static signal noise, the fuzzy itching to go away, i want the voices to be quiet and my mind to just stop being so active 100% of the time. I also want everyone to stop diagnosing me when they meet me. My mother thinks i have autism, or ADD, i'm just not myself, so to diagnose the person i'm not is incorrectly diagnosing me.

how do i get over this? i know it'll get better, but when? i know talking to a doctor will help, but i'm scared and want people there for me, but no one ever is.

I'm a guy who has never needed help, so i don't know what to do about it.

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You are right that, while you are in the driving seat, you do need to talk to and receive help from others. Please seek that help. Here is a list of organisations throughout the country that you can reach out to. nhs.uk/conditions/stress-an...

Take care.